I would like to welcome everyone to this blog for healing from sexual abuse and trauma. Please remember that no matter what you have been through, and no matter where you are now, you can still heal and have in incredibly wonderful life. I too, am a survivor of sexual abuse and trauma, who at one point in my life had no specific memories of the abuse but the symptoms of my life showed signs that something was terribly wrong. I was constantly running away from everyone, the only place that I found solace was to travel. That way I could meet people and leave before they could get to know me too much, I was scared that to know me was to hate me.
Then finally, after so many unexplainable pieces of my memories of the abuse had come to me, that I refused to belief, the very last piece came to me. This helped me to believe myself. I was listening to an audio recording where other survivors spoke about their experiences being abused by their parents and at that moment, I realized that I was not crazy thinking that my father had sexually abused me because he had. I took my father out to lunch and confronted him about the abuse. He never directly admitted it but instead said that the household help had done things to him and he thinks that his mother did things to him as well. (His mother, my grandmother used to kiss me in such an awful way, that at the age of six years old, I had to tell my grandma, “no kisses, only hugs”. It was that bad.)
My father then said that he did not want to talk about it, and offered me a new car.
Since that date many other memories and incidents from my childhood began to make sense for me. Although I had forgotten the abuse, I had never forgotten the incidents that surrounded the abuse. Such as why I had symptoms of PTSD including the startle response, which I displayed when someone walked into a room and I was concentrating on something else, I would frequently jump, startled. I rarely do that now. It also answered the question why so many people in high school and college mentioned that I acted like I had been molested and why I was misdiagnosed with proctitis around the age of 9 years old.
As I have gotten my memories back and allowed my body to detox from the trauma of sexual abuse, my life has gotten so much better. I have less drama in my life (except onstage, I am an actress) and that gives me more time to do things that I love and enjoy them. Before I got my memories back, I may be doing something that I loved such as hiking but would be thinking of the drama in my life or problem of the day, so I was not loving what I was doing. I get my needs met from a more grounded place rather than by being a victim (playing needy) and it feels so much more dignified and takes much less energy. If I don’t have tons of money, I realize it will come rather than freaking out and I know that the size of my bank account has nothing to do with who I am or how awesome my day will be. And as I heal my finances are getting better as well.
I am grateful to be healing and grateful to have regained my joy.
Please feel free to post your experiences in the comment box at the bottom of this page. Sometimes it may take a while to get your comment approved.
- Please DO NOT include any sexual details about the abuse.
- Please DO NOT include any sexual details at all.
- Feel free to write “…” when excluding those details. Thanks so much.