I would like to welcome everyone to this blog for healing from sexual abuse and trauma. Please remember that no matter what you have been through, and no matter where you are now, you can still heal and have in incredibly wonderful life. I too, am a survivor of sexual abuse and trauma, who at one point in my life had no specific memories of the abuse but the symptoms of my life showed signs that something was terribly wrong. I was constantly running away from everyone, the only place that I found solace was to travel. That way I could meet people and leave before they could get to know me too much, I was scared that to know me was to hate me.
Then finally, after so many unexplainable pieces of my memories of the abuse had come to me, that I refused to belief, the very last piece came to me. This helped me to believe myself. I was listening to an audio recording where other survivors spoke about their experiences being abused by their parents and at that moment, I realized that I was not crazy thinking that my father had sexually abused me because he had. I took my father out to lunch and confronted him about the abuse. He never directly admitted it but instead said that the household help had done things to him and he thinks that his mother did things to him as well. (His mother, my grandmother used to kiss me in such an awful way, that at the age of six years old, I had to tell my grandma, “no kisses, only hugs”. It was that bad.)
My father then said that he did not want to talk about it, and offered me a new car.
Since that date many other memories and incidents from my childhood began to make sense for me. Although I had forgotten the abuse, I had never forgotten the incidents that surrounded the abuse. Such as why I had symptoms of PTSD including the startle response, which I displayed when someone walked into a room and I was concentrating on something else, I would frequently jump, startled. I rarely do that now. It also answered the question why so many people in high school and college mentioned that I acted like I had been molested and why I was misdiagnosed with proctitis around the age of 9 years old.
As I have gotten my memories back and allowed my body to detox from the trauma of sexual abuse, my life has gotten so much better. I have less drama in my life (except onstage, I am an actress) and that gives me more time to do things that I love and enjoy them. Before I got my memories back, I may be doing something that I loved such as hiking but would be thinking of the drama in my life or problem of the day, so I was not loving what I was doing. I get my needs met from a more grounded place rather than by being a victim (playing needy) and it feels so much more dignified and takes much less energy. If I don’t have tons of money, I realize it will come rather than freaking out and I know that the size of my bank account has nothing to do with who I am or how awesome my day will be. And as I heal my finances are getting better as well.
I am grateful to be healing and grateful to have regained my joy.
Please feel free to post your experiences in the comment box at the bottom of this page. Sometimes it may take a while to get your comment approved.
- Please DO NOT include any sexual details about the abuse.
- Please DO NOT include any sexual details at all.
- Feel free to write “…” when excluding those details. Thanks so much.
I have no memories of what happened to me and I am struggling with it. Men have always made me uncomfortable. I’ve struggled with depression since a kid and would cut myself as a teenager/young adult. I’m 26 now with two kids of my own. And the pain of not knowing who did this to me and what happened is making me feel like I’m drowning. It’s not something I can deny and pretend didn’t happen. I’m anxious everyday. I struggle with panic attacks and intense emotions that I drown out with alcohol. I overreact to the littlest things. I’ve been pushing this down all my life with drugs and food, trying to fill or fix a part of me I don’t even understand. My brother is very mentally ill and keeps getting arrested and has recently accused our father of molesting him as a kid. I don’t know how I feel about that. He may have said that so our dad doesn’t get conservatorship. But then there’s a part of me that thinks it possible. When I think about the people that could do something like that, I just feel like it can’t be right. It can’t possibly be my dad. But there’s always this tiny part of me that has felt like something has been off. Like it’s a possibility. As horrifying and hurtful as that is. What am I supposed to think or feel. My dad is an alcoholic. He had a violent temper when I was a kid so he doesn’t exactly have all my trust. He would do little things now and then that was just a game but would make me uncomfortable. But we loved him. He bought us whatever we wanted. We had no rules at his house. I don’t know what to think. I’ve never left my kids alone with him. Because I’ve always had that fear in the back of my mind.
I will write a response in the next week but until then listen to yourself. A part of you feared leaving your kids alone with your dad. And buying whatever you want and having no rules does not mean that a person is not a perpetrator.
Hi Cristal,
I would like to commend you on your strength and realizations that you have come to in your comments. All of the things that you mentioned in your comments, depression, cutting, anxiety, panic attacks, intense emotions, and coping by drinking and eating can be signs of repressed memories and emotions from sexual abuse. But all of these emotions and memories are waiting to be heard, screaming to be heard, so it may be time to listen and allow your body to detox from the emotions and memories of the abuse. A part of you deep down inside knows the truth of what really happened to you as a child. Which could be why you did not let your children be alone with your dad.
Also I do not believe that “mental illness” is chemical imbalance and concur with many respected therapists think that it comes from childhood traumas (though others have bought into the big pharma explanation of chemical imbalance which can be balanced by their drugs), so it could be your brother’s way of coping with the sexual assault. That along with a part of you knowing that your dad is not a safe person to leave your children with and your symptoms with are huge signs that something happened. Listen to what your unconscious is trying to tell you. All that you will loose is the illusions of a happy childhood that you did not have. There may have been parts of your childhood that were great, but the truth is that a parent who is willing to assault a child is not really a parent at all. The more you allow the memories to come up to the surface to be heard and detox out of your body the more you will eventually feel more energy, happiness and hope because it takes a ton of energy to repress emotions and memories but it is a process. You may find my post “What to do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ very helpful. It gives you tools that you can use when extreme emotions come to the surface.
Also it may be really helpful to reach out to the 1-800-656-HOPE 24/7 rape crisis hotline. They should be able to help you to find counselling in your area if you want to and also help with the extreme emotions from the abuse that you are remembering. But sometimes the hotline volunteers are really helpful and other times not at all helpful, so if you do not feel helped hang up and try again later. The volunteers change shifts. If repeatedly you are not getting help, you can try finding another center near you at http://centers.rainn.org/ or try finding a great therapist or counsellor by calling around, who has the tools to help you to heal from the abuse. I would not work with any person who wants to put you on medication because that will only stuff down the feelings that you need to detox from and cause a ton of really awful side effects including, suicide, depression, liver damage, etc not even herbal supplements like St., john’s wart because again you are stuffing down the memories and emotions that need to be heard and detox. So if you are ready, I would start reaching out. Remembering that there are great therapists and not great therapists, so you need to be picky.
If you keep taking actions to heal and work good people who have the tools to help you, you will heal. Please feel free to write back with any updates or questions.
I must forgive you…(edited by blogger because could be triggering to survivors) You perpetuated the cycle. I will not. It will end with me.
…(edited by blogger because could be triggering to survivors) For a decade I was afraid of recognizing that I was a victim because I didn’t want to have a “victim mentality.” But I was the victim. I was.
…(edited by blogger because could be triggering to survivors) I could not even forgive myself. For what you may ask? For not standing up for myself. For allowing others to dictate whether or not I must continue to interact with you. For allowing you to continue to make physical contact with me in ways that were inappropriate.
…(edited by blogger because could be triggering to survivors)
…(edited by blogger because could be triggering to survivors) I absolutely despise those feelings of anger and unforgiveness. They are overwhelming. But I can’t. I just can’t seem to forgive you. I hate you for that. I HATE YOU. You have changed me. You have created a monster.
Hi Anonymous,
You might find it helpful to listen to what your wounded inner child needs and work on healing yourself rather than focusing on forgiving your perpetrator. That still puts the focus on the abuser and you need to focus on healing your wounded inner kids who suffered from the abuse. You might want to try going to https://ohl.rainn.org/online/ and click on the “get live help now” icon. They may be able to help, if not keep reaching out lookng for other people who can help you to heal. But for now I would try and stay away from the people who tell you that you need to forgive to heal. As you wrote, the anger and all of the hurt of your wounded self will scream to be heard forgiveness tells them to be quiet. And try not to be so hard on yourself, there is a great chance that you are not a monster, just a person who was hurt and who can heal. Here is a quote that I think is very helpful: “Healing may result in forgiveness but forgiveness does not bring healing, it only covers over the wounds allowing them to fester.” -An Advocate for Abuse Survivors
For more on my beliefs about forgiveness you may want to go to “Do I Need to Forgive to Heal?” post at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/do-i-need-to-forgive-to-heal-from-abuse/
The sense of support and community on here is amazing, so happy I found this. I’m almost 20; I was sexually abused by cousin when I was 9/10. At first I had no memories of what happened, just a feeling something bad happened. I gained weight, had no sense of self, withdrew from usual activities, just wanted to sleep. I began having panic attacks, flashbacks regularly, and sleep disturbances. I was so tired of fighting my “memories”, part of me thought I was dreaming. I got into drugs, and was seriously contemplating suicide. I wanted to give up. I broke down and told my grandma, her response was exactly what I needed, she didn’t react. She became my rock, listened to whatever I needed to say, and gave advice when asked, never questioned or judged me. I believe if my grandmother hadn’t replied the way she did I would not be here today.
Now just because I’d broken my silence did not mean I had a smooth paved path before me, quite far from it. I still had to untangle the web of lies I’d been told and figure out what had actually happened to me, having still no clear memories. My mother and I have not had a great relationship for a long time, so needless to say I could not go to her with questions. So Google became my best friend, I goggled many terms trying to define my experiences using the small blips I remembered. Meanwhile I was still living within sight of my cousin and his family, as well as other family members who shunned me and mentally abused me.
The more I remembered the higher my anxiety got, I honestly don’t know how I survived living that way for so long. My mother knew what had happened between my cousin and I, she walked in on it, but apparently she concluded it was simply curiosity. For Christmas we would go spend time with Dad’s family, I hated being surrounded by my abusers for a week straight, I didn’t feel like I had the choice to say no.
This has been the first summer I’ve spent away from my Dad’s family, it’s been interesting how lost I felt this summer, even though I didn’t want to be around them it felt wrong that I wasn’t. Over the years I’ve slowly pulled away from family photos and activities, with feelings of guilt. But now I’ve come to see that just because there family doesn’t give them the right to treat you like shit, and I’m learning to say no without the guilt.
This summer I reached out and started looking for a counsellor, but I didn’t want to sit in therapy day after day waiting for that person to fix me. I didn’t want to become dependent on them to make me “better” or “healed”, and I didn’t want to be in counselling for the rest of my life. I ended up finding a life coach; she’s reminded me of the tools I have to fix myself. I’ve come to greatly value her opinion; she’s neutral by not knowing any of my family, the perfect sounding board. She’s reminded me of my personal power, to “put on your big girl panties” and essentially re – parent myself, shedding the beliefs and values my parents honored, but I don’t. Harder said than done, these values, habits, and behaviours are so engrained, you don’t even realize you’re doing something exactly like your parents would of. It takes someone from her perspective to see that and question you as to why you’re doing it. A good example; I was trying to figure out how I got my black and white views of life, this or that little to no gray area. I was pulled from the school system for grade 7 and I was home schooled until grade 12, because of problems I was having in school. I was being bullied, failing subjects, and had a very small social circle. So instead of my mother talking to the teachers and the principle, trying to solve the problem I was just removed from the situation all together. I would of never of seen how that situation was a prime example of black and white thinking.
She has helped me in so many ways in such a short period of time. But there still are a few things I can’t seem to shake, no matter what she’s said about them. My cousin that sexually abused me was younger than I was. At what point does “curiosity” turn to abuse? He’d been at me all day to play this “new” game, by the end of the day I was getting tired of saying no, so I gave in and said fine. I freely admit that I went along to begin with, but then he wanted me to do things I didn’t want to do. We had locked ourselves in a pop up trailer, had the door locked and all the window coverings zipped up. I said no, but he threatened me with if you don’t do this I’ll tell your Mom this was all your idea, etc. So I did it. Is it possible I came up with this sexual abuse “story” to cover up the face I participated, and I didn’t just walk out of the trailer, to take the “blame” off me? When I first started to remember all of this, I had no memories just a feeling, I didn’t consciously gain weight and try to act the part of a “victim”. Recently I’ve had this feeling that this incident wasn’t the first time I’d been abused, I don’t know why and I have no “evidence” to back up this feeling. Am I just trying to make up situations to blame my behaviour on? My life coach has said to look at past judgements through the eyes of my 10 year old self, but this is one situation I have a hard time trying to see the other side of. I’d appreciate any feedback, thank you so much for this site.
Hi Jess,
Thank you for your courage to tell your story. You did not freely go along with it even in the beginning because you were manipulated into doing it. You said no repeatedly but your cousin kept pushing you. You can see in your cousin’s words “if you don’t do this I’ll tell your Mom this was all your idea, etc” that it was not in the least bit your fault. And by him saying that he was telling you that it was all his idea, which is why he knew he could manipulate you into doing more by saying that. It does not matter that he was younger than you, he manipulated you into doing things that you did not want to do. It was not your fault that you did not walk out of the trailer, you were scared. He was playing a game that I would assume that someone played with him and the way he dealt with that abuse was to normalize it and victimize you. I do not think that you made up the situation, sometimes it is easier for us survivors to think that we made it up, but it is not helpful to deny our memories as they come out and detox from our bodies.
Who is telling that that you were playing the role of a victim because you gained weight. That is not in the least bit a supportive thing to say to a survivor of abuse. You were victimized, you were the victim.
Frequently memories quietly come back to us, at first by a feeling, such as the feeling that you got that this was not the first time you were abused. Then slowly the memory may appear. Your job is to listen and believe yourself as memories slowly return. I have an exercise at “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ that might help you to get some memories back or at the very least help with intense emotions that can come up.
You can also look at other 9 year olds and see that they are pretty small and really innocent, by seeing them it puts what happened to you in a better perspective. You were just a little kid. Scared and confused. You were manipulated into thinking that you wanted this, I do not think that you wanted any part of being abused.
Shame on your mother for not getting help for you when it happened, that is not ok. If anyone should feel guilty, it is the people who abused you and your mother for not being supportive and helping you to heal from this experience.
It is also a possibility that the person who abused your cousin may also have abused you.
It is great that you are no longer hanging out with the cousin who abused you. It is not healthy to be around people who abused us. It shows your strength by realizing that treating yourself well is healthy and nothing to feel guilty about.
There are therapists that feel that healing can be a lifetime process, however, though hard to find, there are therapists and social workers who can help you to heal from the abuse and not make it a lifelong process. They can work with to get over the parts of healing that you’re having a hard time with. Some therapists may have a hard time knowing that you are working with a life coach and that they are not the only ones helping you and being “in charge” of your healing, for me I have always tried to stay away from those people, because I am in charge of my healing not them. You can try going to http://www.klinic.mb.ca/counsel-sexual.htm that has resources for rape survivors in your province. They may or may not be helpful. If you talk with a person who is not helpful hang up and try again later, people answering the phone take shifts. I think it is great that you are working with a life coach, that sounds super positive but working with a specialist in abuse can help also, if they are really good therapists.
I hope this helps. Please feel free to write back with any updates or questions.
Hi. I’ve never told anyone this before, haven’t ever even tried. I remember when I was around four or five, maybe six, my brother would come up to me, asking if I wanted to play. He is seven years older than me, so he was about 12 then. A lot of times, he would just kiss me. I remember him asking me if I had ever kissed someone on the lips, and when I said no he grinned and went right in for it. After that, he would..(edited by blogger). I didn’t think much of it at first, I mean, I was too young to know what was going on, right? But then he would…(edited by blogger) By the time I was ten it stopped, I guess he knew I would figure out that it was bad. Now I’m in my early teens, and I remember almost everything clearly. We have a good relationship with each other, even though we have never mentioned what happened ever. I have no idea what to do, if I should even tell anyone. I love him so much, he’s my brother! I don’t want anything to happen to him. What should I do?
Hi Amber,
It shows a ton of strength that you were able to write your story.
What your brother did is horrible and he had no right to do that. A part of you may love your brother but a brother who is kind would never do anything like that to his younger sister or any sister. Big brothers are suppose to be protective of their little sisters not abuse them and he abused you. Another question to ask is who assaulted your brother and did they also have access to assault you. It is no excuse but people who assault others almost always do so because they were assaulted and since it was your brother who assaulted you there is a chance that the same person who assaulted him also could have done things to you, which you may or may not remember.
It may also have stopped when you were ten because your brother was only sexually attracted to little girls. Your brother is not healthy because any person who can do this to a child is sick.
The first thing that I would do is tell a person that you trust what happened. If the person is supportive and continues to be supportive of you getting help, then you have a person who is really a friend or parent. Unfortunately, sometimes people take the side of the abuser or at first are supportive then tell you to forgive and forget or that you made it up or any number of things that are not supportive, then that person is not a person you can trust, even if they are related to you or in the past have been your best friend or trusted teacher. If someone tells you to get over it or forgive your brother which puts the emphasis on healing on the person who violated you instead of on what you need to do to heal, then that person is still not a person who can be deeply trusted. Any parent or family member who supports your brother over you is not a real parent or real family, because real family protects children and does not allow children to be violated.
It is not your job to protect your brother, it is your job to protect yourself. I read that you wrote: “I love him so much, he’s my brother!” But what he did to you was not a brotherly thing to do. Yes, it is time to tell someone. You can try calling 1-800-656-HOPE which will connect you to the local rape crisis hotline but you may want to ask if the call is anonymous and they should tell you or you may not want to bring up that you are under age. Volunteers work at the hotlines, so just because one person is no help does not mean that another volunteer may not be helpful. If the people at that hotline are repeatedly not helpful, try another hotline or rape crisis center, there are tons in the Bay Area. Keep reaching out until you get good help. But it is really important that you get help to heal from the abuse. If you think your mom or dad would be supportive then you can tell them also. If anyone turns out not to be supportive of you, they are the ones who are sick, not you. Remember anyone not supporting you is supporting a little girl being raped and they are sick. Look at how small a four year old is, they are innocent and your brother violated that innocence and there is nothing ok about that. It is a process to heal, so anyone telling you to get over it has no idea how to help you to heal. If you do not find help on the hotline, keep looking, hopefully you will find a person who can help you find a great social worker to heal from the abuse.
If you can, while you are healing, try to take some time away from your brother because seeing him can be hurtful to the part of you that was abused. Keep looking for help until you get great help, bad help is not helpful.
Please write back with any questions or what happened when you reached out for help.
I didn’t know there were so many people like me that had gone through this. It encourages me to know that you have overcome your painful experience. This is part of my story. This past month our church started the topic about sex. It was a difficult topic. But the most difficult Sunday of all was November 2, 2014. The guest speaker psychologist spoke about the subject I’ve been carefully guarding for 3 decades. Sexual Abuse, I cried through the whole service. I wanted to get up and run but I didn’t want anyone to see me or they would know my “secret” my putrid secret. Would they think like mom? That it was my fault too? I continued to listen to see if maybe I could find a way out this crater that had swallowed me whole. That no amount of antidepressants has ever taken the pain away. I just want to erase that part of my life away and I can’t.
The more I listened I knew that I had just covered up the “wound” that was infected and I never cleaned it out and I kept the same bandage on for 33 years. Now I lift up the bandage it had maggots, pus, fungus and I realize it never healed. I knew that if I wanted to walk with the Lord I needed to let go of the electric fence he spoke about. The secret that I had to keep under wraps when it started when I was 4 yrs. old and ended when I was 11 yrs old.
I remember my sister asking me if my step father was getting “fresh” with me?” I looked down ashamed. She told my mom. All she could say was “How could you let this happen? When I was your age I knew right from wrong. The man goes as far as the woman allows him to go”. She blamed this whole thing on me.” she asked me: “Have you told anyone about this?” and I said “no”. She responded “Good, because that’s not something to be proud of”.
That night we got home and my Stepfather’s things and his kids were gone. I was so happy the happiest I’ve been in years. I was putting music on and dancing. I felt free. But I heard talking on the phone with someone saying that she didn’t know how she was going to pay for rent and utilities with him gone. I felt guilty of my happiness. My happiness didn’t last very long, a week later my mom asked me if I would forgive him. She said it’s totally up to you. I thought about it. I just thought there’s no harm in forgiving. So he came and sat to the left of me and my mom to my right and he asked for my forgiveness. And I forgave him. My mom had gone to work and I had stayed at a friend’s house. To my horror that same day he and his family had moved back in like nothing had happened. I couldn’t believe it! I was in shock how could this be? They tricked me. I thought forgiveness meant just that. How can my mother sleep next to my abuser like nothing happened? I couldn’t do I would be repulsed by just the thought. What did he tell her to make her believe that he was innocent? I don’t think I would have forgiven him had I known he was moving back in. I didn’t know that jail was an option. Nobody ever presented this option to me. Now that he was back I felt even more violated. My mom took his side? She loved him more than me. Did she even love me? She didn’t even get me any counseling. Like this never even happened. She only spoke to my step father’s sister who happens to be a doctor, and she even said she is going to need therapy. My mom did NOTHING! I guess her needs came before mine. I guess being comfortable with the rent paid was more important than my emotional state. She later accepted Jesus. But here I am still hurting because I have to honor my mother and father as the bible commands.
Hi Maria,
What i kept saying to myself as I read your story is what a horrific mother you have. Other than temporarily kicking your step-dad out which does not count because she had him move back in she is a terrible person. She is not a real mom to you at all.
First of all the abuse was never your fault and how dare your mother say that it was. Your mother was never a real mother to you, mothers protect their children no matter what. Your mother is a very bad and mean lady. It is very sick of her to blame you for the sexual assault. It is time to no longer hold onto the perpetuator’s secret and the perpetrator’s and your mother’s shame. The person who abuses the child is always at fault, not the child who is abused and your mother is also at fault. It was her job to protect you and she should be ashamed that instead of protecting her daughter from abuse, she allowed it to happen and blamed a little girl. It was unfair and twisted of your mother to say that it was up to you whether or not you wanted to forgive the rapist, what she should of done, if she was a real mother, is press charges against your stepdad, found a way to pay rent on her own, whatever that took and got you into see a really good therapists to help you to heal from the abuse. If she were a real mom she would have been devastated that her daughter was abused. But she did not care at all about you, she instead wanted to look good to the outside world. Your mother is so extremely sick.
It sounds like your mother did not care whether your stepdad was innocent, in fact from asking you to forgive him, she admitted that she knew he was guilty. She only cared about herself, it did not matter to her if your stepdad abused you. As incredible as that sounds that a mother could be like yours unfortunately there are a bunch of moms like yours. I don;t think that your mom is capable of love only selfish greed. She did not love anyone because she does not sound capable of love. So she did not love your stepdad more, she just needed him to pay her bills. Just because she said she accepted Jesus does not mean that she is sorry or not greedy, it only means that she is acting religious. Many people can say they accepted Jesus, but it is their actions that show who they really are.
It says honor thy father and mother but your mother was not a real mom and your dad not a real dad, so what you need to do is learn how to love yourself. Learn how to be the parent you never had to yourself. And by self parenting and treating yourself well and honoring your internal parents, those are the only parents you need to honor. It is so important to forgive yourself and remind yourself that the abuse was not your fault, it was your mother and stepdad’s fault. So whenever you feel shame, if you can, say to yourself, this is not my shame, this shame belongs to the perpetrator and you mother.
Now might be a great time to reach of for help to heal from the abuse. Try calling 1-800-656-HOPE and that will connect you to the local rape crisis center, if the person you speak with is not helpful, hang up and try again later, if they are continually not helpful, look around for a therapist that really feels like they can help you. Unfortunately forgiving the perpetrator is not the answer (it’s only a bandaid), healing your inner child and reminding her she did nothing wrong is what will help all of that collected pain go away. Focusing on taking care of you.
You may also want to read my post at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ which has ideas on how to deal with extreme emotions when they come up. My post at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/ ha ideas on how to be a parent to yourself, which may also be helpful.
I also want to say that your story shows that you have great strength and insight, that you know it is time to heal.
Please feel free to write back with any questions or updates.
Thank you for your blog. Your words are encouraging to me as I explore the varying experiences that come when “detoxing” from sexual abuse by a parent.
Thanks. Keep taking action to detox and heal and things shoud get better.
Hi I’m 24 and was sexually abused and mentally abused as a child and as a teen. I got pregnant with my cousin’s baby in a consentual relationship when I was 22. I am now living with my mothers ex boyfriend of 10 plus years who has been in my life during my darkest times. I feel vulnerable in this state because hes the only person in my life who hasn’t abandoned me yet if I don’t do the things he wants me to do he threatens to throw me out. I haven’t been able to work due to emotional and mental illness and am not living on a decent budget. Hence being afraid of losing shelter as I wont be able to afford a place on my own. I dont know why I’m posting here to be honest. I feel as though my self worth is nonexistent and haven’t felt worth anything for what feels like an eternity. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Hi Destiny,
Don’t give up on yourself, even though it may not seem possible to you now, when you take tiny actions to heal, your life can get better. I will write more within this next week.
Hi Destiny,
No person deserves to be living in that type of situation. If you are being pressured into allowing someone to violate you, you are in a domestically violent situation. Also if he is doing that to you, he really has abandoned you because he is using you. But there is help out there and some really nice shelters for women in your situation (not all may be as nice as others). Plus if you are taking care of your child in that situation that child is not safe from your mother’s ex-boyfriend either.
I googled “winnipeg domestic violence shelter for women” and here are some of the places that I found. (If you are not in Winnipeg, then googled the same thing with the city you are in.) Please remember that if the person you are talking with is not helpful, hang up and try again later. If repeatedly that particular organization is not helpful, try another place. Do not give up until you have gotten out of that horrible living situation. And then you can work on healing from the abuse that happened to you as a child and again do not give up, keep talking with people who are helpful and quickly say “goodbye” to those who are not helpful. Just because a person works at a helping organization, does not mean that they will be helpful. And unfortunately not all organizations that are suppose to help people do. But just because you find a bad organization, do not give up looking for one that can help.
Here is a Manitoba hotline for domestic violence 1-877-977-0007 24/7
Here is a list of shelters in Manitoba http://www.maws.mb.ca/where_can_i_go.htm
Here are some other shelters http://www.winnipegrentnet.ca/help-links/help-emergency.cfm (The women’s shelters are in the middle of the page. Some may be nice others may not be)
Here are subsidized housing where you will get help paying the rent http://www.winnipegrentnet.ca/help-links/help-subsidized.cfm
Here is financial support http://www.winnipegrentnet.ca/help-links/help-financial.cfm
Here is a page with tons of resources http://www.fgwrc.ca/resources/fact-sheets-external-resources
Also please note that having symptoms of child abuse can look like you have a mental illness, when actually you just have unhealed symptoms of child abuse. To make things worse, if you are on medication, that can cause symptoms of severe anxiety, suicidal ideation and (homicidal ideation if it’s and SSRI like prozac, etc), depression, and even delusions, being on those drugs can make a person in worse shape than not ever taking them. These side effects plus more are listed on the side effects labels of the drugs last I checked a few But if you are on them and choose to stop taking them, you need to withdraw from them extremely slowly. Like when you see an alcoholic detox, they may feel and look worse while they are detoxing, unfortunately many doctors and therapists are miseducated about these drugs and mistake the withdrawals for chemical imbalance. If you do choose to withdraw you also need to do it with the supervision of a supportive doctor or alternative health care practitioner.
Keep taking action until you get out of that bad living situation and after that keep taking action, until you get help to heal from the abuse. You can do it, there are people who will support you in doing it also.
Please feel free to write back if you need more ideas, or have questions or any updates.
I’m sharing this because I am looking for a way to heal. I shared my story with friends many years ago, but they are the same age as me, and at 18 years old, they didn’t really seem to get it. I don’t think I did either. But this summer I found myself in a place with extraordinary people who have been helping me a lot, and after sharing my life story with them, I now realise how much I am in need of healing the past.
When I was 9, my gran’s neighbour began to abuse me. My parents divorced around that time, and my granddad also died. My gran then remarried the neighbour, so I spent a lot of time around him. Because of my father’s lack of involvement in my life growing up (he rarely spent any time with me, just wasn’t interested) and my mother’s unpredictability (she could be loving one minute and cold, unfeeling the next), I needed affection. What the neighbour did to me was wrong, but I didn’t know what to do about it, so I did nothing. It stopped when my gran finally threw him out of the house when I was 12 because his drinking became too much of a problem. And until this summer, I never realised how much it had shaped my life. When I read about the issues that other people have, I realise that’s me – I’m angry at myself and my parents for not protecting me better, I’m ashamed, it has made it difficult for me to trust anyone, especially men, I don’t sleep very well because of it, and when I read your comment on the startle syndrome, I realised that was me as well, I just never knew there was a name for it! A good example is over the summer, I was napping on the sofa, and a guy here (who I have told my story too and who has been very supportive) threw a blanket over me to keep warm. I jumped straight off the sofa, awake in an instant. And though he understand, he was a little upset, only because he knew I was in pain and he can’t help.
The other thing that makes it more difficult for me is the fact that my other grandfather was starting to touch me inappropriate when I was 12, but then he died….
I sought professional help when I was at university as the lecturers there finally noticed something was seriously wrong with me (depression, suicidal behaviour, self harming) and so I had to see a doctor and a counsellor. The doctor just put me on medication, which didn’t help, and that was the end of it. The counsellor told me my abuse was the reason I was gay, which she thought is what I wanted ‘fixing’!! That was the end of that.
Since then, I have spent a lot of time trying to heal myself, to find my own way. I am now 31 and while I am a lot better than I used to be, I know I could still be much better. I need to find out why I can’t move on, and then find a way to do just that.
I thank everyone for sharing their stories – I do believe it makes us all stronger knowing we’re not alone.
Just reading other people’s stories, knowing I’m not alone
Hi Sam,
Thanks for your strength in sharing your story. I will write a detailed response in the next week.
Hi Sam,
Thanks so much for the strength it took for you to share your story. I am glad that you were able to tell your story to your roommates, it really helps reaching out and telling others what happened to you and being believed and validated.
When you first shared your story with other people who were 18, it could also have been that they did not want to deal with stuff that happened to them because some 18 year old do get it, while others even if they are not survivors may not want to believe that this happens in our world or at the very least want to deal wit h it. I am sorry to hear that you were not supported when you first told your story. I also sorry to hear that you did not have loving parents, which helped set you up to be abused in a search for a replacement for unloving parents. That is common, pedophiles prey on children looking for substitute parents to get the love they did not get from their parents. It was not your job as a 9 year old to protect yourself, you do not need to be angry at yourself for that but it is appropriate to be angry at your parents and your gran for not protecting you and to the step-granddad and your grandfather for abusing you. That was their job to protect you, that is what healthy parents and grandparents do. It is not your shame, that shame belongs to the perpetrators, it belongs to your step-granddad and your grandfather. It is common for survivors of sexual assault before they have healed from the abuse to be hyper vigilant and have a hard time sleeping. It is the body’s natural defence mechanism to protect yourself, the only problem is that (as you know), the body keeps doing the defence mechanism even after the threat is gone. You can slowly begin to reassure yourself that the perpetrator is gone. Sometimes it can be helpful to lock your bedroom door and say to yourself, the door is locked no one can get in. Because a part of you, your inner child, may be still scared.
Since sexually assault is not an isolated incident in your family, it sounds like it is something that is widespread in your family, since neither grandmother nor parents protect children from sexual assault and both (step)granddads are pedophiles your family of origin is really messed up. That is so sad. Every child deserves a loving family, unfortunately many children do not have one.
It shows your strength and self awareness to have removed yourself from two really bad therapy situations, a doctor who wanted to out you on drugs and a counsellor who told you the abuse made you gay, that was horrible for a counsellor to tell a client. Neither had the tools to help you.
So here are some things that may help with your healing from the abuse:
I looked around for rape crisis centers in Portugal but could not find any, I did find this place in Spain http://www.violacion.org/quienes/default.html (I am so sorry but with the name Sam, I am not sure if you are female or male, the Spain hotline is only for women.) (I believe that all organizations that support rape survivors need to support men and women, it is a shame but some people think that sexual assault is only a woman’s problem and that is not true. So if you are a guy there is a website called malesurvivor.org which I support because it fills in the gap). You can also try to reach out to https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline which supports men and woman survivors and it does not capture your IP address. All of those organizations may be helpful in your healing and they also may not be. Keep reaching out until you find a person or organization that is helpful. You also may want to read some of my ideas for healing posts at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/ that article gives you ideas on how to be the mom and dad to yourself that you never had. Another post at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/do-i-need-to-forgive-to-heal-from-abuse/ explains that the only person you need to forgive in order to heal is yourself because survivors often hold onto the shame but the shame is the perpetrators shame, it does not belong to you, though it may feel like it is yours. The other post is http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ gives you tools to heal when you feel extreme emotions.
Keep looking for good help to heal until you find it, an excellent therapist can be very helpful in the healing process and a bad therapist is not at all helpful, so keep looking and do not stop until you get the support that you need to heal. You can heal and have a great life without the symptoms of the abuse, keep reaching out.
Feel free to write back with any questions, thoughts or updates.
I am a survivor of incest and child sexual abuse from many men other than my biological father. I did public speaking for 15 years about my survival and have been writing a blog for the last 3 years. I have thought of myself as an orphan
for quite a few years as I have for the most part been abandoned by most of my “family” as it seems that no one has the backbone to speak with me about my survival of child sexual abuse. Certainly no on on my paternal side of the family.
I have been thinking that when incest happens in a household that that house is tainted, poisoned and for me That is when I lost my mother and siblings. I became an orphan as an infant and young child. And unfortunately that happened 3 times! I was safe in a new house for a very short time and the molestation happened in each of the 3 houses I lived in. I was molested from 3 months old until I was in the 4th grade by my father. There were others including priests and strangers.
I am kind of wondering if this is what the majority of survivors experience….the loss of the connection with siblings and your mother. I will have to post that on my blog and start asking around.
Thank you to the author of This Blog. Having connections with other survivors really has brought strength to my life and in turn I hope that I can do the same for You and other survivors.
Hi Leo,
I am very sorry to hear that that happened to you. Many people who are survivors of sexual abuse feel like orphans, especially if their family abused them in any way or if their family did not protect them. If a family protects the abuser they are not real family. Real families love and protect their children. Siblings brought up in an unhealthy family can also learn to become or support perpetrators or they can realize that they want to be kind people and choose kindness and protecting other children.
I wrote a post with some ideas on how to be your own parent called “Surviving Mother’s Day and the Holidays” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/
Also if you have not recently reached out to heal more you can try calling 1-800-656-HOPE and get connected to your local rape crisis center. I write this because even though you had a terrible family of origin does not mean that you need to feel like an orphan for the rest of your life. If you feel supported by the hotline, that is great, if not hang up and try again later or reach out to other resources. Keep reaching out until you feel so supported in your life and so great in your life that you no longer feel like an orphan.
You might also want to check out http://malesurvivor.org/ they also have a conference coming up at the end of this month. No one needs to deal with sexual abuse alone.
Feel free to write back with any questions, updates or successes, it helps give hope to other survivors.
Hi, I wanted to say thank you, I visit your site from time to time and each time I am amazed by the sensitivity and authenticity of all of your answers.
I would certainly like to read a book of yours, if that happens to be in the future.
All the best, v
Hi Vera,
Thanks so much for saying that, I have my one person play “An Angel Cried A Tear Last Night” that I wrote about my story about remebering and begining to heal from sexual assualt that you can get watch for any donation if you click on the donation tab on the right near the top and my poetry book is available at ePoemsAboutLife.com
Thanks for visting my site.
Can I know why my comment was deleted ? It really makes me feel helpless, I finally told my story, and I am made mute.
Hi Bobby,
When you first post your comment your browser may make the comment look as if it’s been posted but when you return, it will no longer show up in your browser. All comments get reviewed before actually being posted.
I review and make sure that there is no sexual or other triggering things in a person’s comment before I post any comments. I have reviewed your comment and need to change some of the edits that I made before I post your comment with my response. Your comment should be posted along with a response in the next few days. And I will email you when your comment and my response has been posted.
I hope this delay has not caused any undo stress.
Thank you so much Amy. Your answer is really genuine and makes me feel less different from other abused people. I used to think that because he is not stronger than me or older that I wanted it. I am better lately but I sometimes feel threatened by guys around me for no apparent reason. I will follow all the steps that you told me about. As for violence, I am usually an extremely calm person, so as angry as I can get I won’t become violent.
I wrote the second comment in a rush and then realised I wasn’t actually deleted but it was too late. I am gonna read again your answer with a lot of attention and satisfaction. Thank you again for your involvement. It is even more than what I was expecting.
You’re welcome. And thank you for having the courage to write your story. When you sometimes feel threatened by guys, it is a normal reaction because of what you went through, it’s you remembering being violated by another guy, even though that guy is not the one who abused you. As you heal, this should happen less and less, unless it is your intuition telling you this person is not ok.
Please feel free to write back any time and also when you write your successes you inspire other survivors that healing is possible.
I am 21. I am guy. I have been sexually abused by my cousin of the same age between 10 and 14, by another person two times at the age of 14, and then accepted again these horrible things from my cousin one time at 19 and maybe, one at 20, I still don’t remember well. I used to take too much MDMA and smoked lots of weed. Fortunately, I stopped doing these things now. Every time it happened I said to myself “This is the last time I accept”. The last and almost first time I didn’t accept, a year ago, I couldn’t even say no, I just answered “in 10 minutes” feeling so bad about myself. And it never happened again.
I don’t know how to look at myself for this. I feel so weak accepting this kind of disrespect at a so later age. I feel like a liar sometimes when I get close to somebody. I read so many psychological articles on internet and tried healing myself. I feel so much better now but am still realizing what was happening all this time. How could my cousin, who was supposed to be my best friend, ignore all the signals that showed how bad I didn’t want to take part in this shit? HOW?
It all started in his house in France. He told me that my brother … in front of him to make me feel at ease and obviously wanted me to do it. This cousin was like my best friend and I trusted him so much. In fact I still trusted him until one year ago like an idiot. It took me so long to realize the situation I was really in.
After putting me at ease I don’t remember how exactly, he started asking me to do other stuff, more sexual stuff, making it look like a game. He even gave the “game” a name. Disgusting. He used to tell me he is in love with a certain girl and looked so heterosexual to me that I wouldn’t believe for one second that all he wanted was gay…and that he was…(edited by blogger). I am heterosexual and always doubted about my sexuality because of these experiences. I remembered then that I used to always close my eyes and imagine I was with girls while it was happening. I became a genius at imagining stories and scenes instead of accepting what was really happening…(edited by blogger) I never seemed to look at this difference between both of us, thinking that my cousin is the person I think he is and that he would never hide his sexual orientation from me. I don’t even know if I knew back then what was homosexuality. He even once kissed me and I backed off so quickly. I think, this is until now, the most disgusting moment of my entire life. I can still feel how hard I want to hit him had I been back at this moment now. I hate him when I remember these stories.
My biggest problem, again, was that he was like my best friend. He would never be aggressive to me for this, but wouldn’t answer when I would say no to him, just to make me feel bad about it. Now that I write about it, everything is so clear. I wanted so bad to believe in his good intentions and purity of games, I am so deceived, so betrayed. I still have a hard time thinking it is not my fault, especially when I let it happen again so late. I always had a weaker personality and was almost always following him in his decisions, thinking that he knows better than me. The guy is only a month older than me but loved to always insist on this. I realize now the power he had over me all this time, but thank god, at least we didn’t live in the same country.
This disgusting experience even lead to me being taken advantage of two other times by another person of my age…(edited by blogger). I guess I really am not sharp am I. Disgusted as I was, I stopped talking to this person after this and we just stayed occasional friends. I want to hit him too now, really hard.
Still, even after all this, I have always believed myself to be premature at sex and probably bisexual or homosexual. But I have never fell in love with a man, just thinking about it makes me wanna puke, I have never been attracted to a man, and moreover, I always fall crazy in love with a girl every time we get a bit close and I find her attractive, even when nothing serious happened. I have the chance to have an amazing family and a very balanced environment. This helped me a lot to get through all these years, but at the same time to hide what happened to me earlier, which lead to later disgusting situations. I have told this story to a friend, fully, and talked about it to my ex without mentioning the other person, I was ashamed of being so naive. I feel like a whore….(edited by blogger) I know sexual dysfunction is a consequence of abuse, but still I feel ridiculous to have done this. Plain ridiculous.
I don’t know where I am going with this, I am typing spontaneously. I know that I really want to get over this feeling of weakness. I have had a girlfriend for four years from 15 to 19…(It was amazing being with her…sentence changed by blogger). But then we started growing apart. I always tried to prove myself that I am heterosexual through getting girls to sleep with me. I always was scared of being homosexual because I never admitted to myself that I was abused until 2 months ago. I peed in my bed until late and had no personal hygiene, again, consequences of sexual abuse.
(Story repeats edited by blogger)
I have since read many articles and noticed TOO MANY symptoms of sexual abuse in my life to not face reality. With time, all dots started connecting and I finally got through the hardest part now, which is accepting what I went through.
It is the first time I write everything I went through, I am thankful to this website and the option of the comment box, especially seeing that you really are answering to all people writing their story here Amy. My cousin still talks to me from times to times, I answer in a very unconcerned way. I am going to tell him how I feel as soon as I am face to face with him. I am going to tell him how much I hated him for so long, liked him at the same time as a brother, but didn’t understand the meaning behind his behavior with me. I am going to tell him how hurt I was because of what he did to me. And I am going to ask him “WHAT THE F*** WAS HE THINKING..(edited by blogger) CLOSED MY EYES, AND IMAGINED GIRLS THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME, TO CONTINUE ASKING ME TO PLAY THIS F****** “GAME”????????”
Hi Bobby,
It shows your strength that you came to a realization about what happened and that you wrote it down your story of what happened to you.
I am sorry to hear what happened to you that was not in the least bit ok. You need to understand that once you have been abused it can lead you to having a hard time turning down inappropriate advances in the future. It is important that you do not beat yourself up because you were set up at a young age to be abused at an older age. By realizing that what happened was not ok and that he violated your boundaries and figuring out your thought process that allowed it to occur you can become more aware in the future if he or anyone else ever tries to violate your boundaries.
I would also recommend not hanging out with or being around your cousin, because there is no reason to be around a perpetrator, which it already seems like you have also come to that same conclusion. However never beat yourself up for being victimized, it is always the perpetrator’s fault. There have been cases of people much older than you still being abused by people who abused them as children and being abused by new people also. It can happen because you go back to that space of being a helpless child and from that space you do not know how to say no. But once you heal enough, you are a space where you can easily say no and protect yourself from perpetrators. It sounds like you are in the space now of saying no. Being abused plays with your mind, so even though to an outside person, figuring this out may seem easy, to a person who was abused as a child figuring out these boundaries can be very hard, so you need to commend yourself for all of your strengths.
If you do choose to confront him, you may want to bring a supportive person with you and be sure that you are in a place where you can confront him without becoming violent. If you cannot do that then you should not confront him. If you have a person who is on your side that is also helpful to your inner child who still feels abused. You have every right to be angry as long as the anger is not turned to violence. You might also want to look to organizations who can help you to heal from the abuse, unfortunately in Lebanon I could not find an organization that helps men to heal from sexual assault and I feel that is horrible. Men are frequently victims of adult and childhood sexual assault and yet there are less resources for them to heal but the resources do exist, they are just harder to find. A website with a bunch of support for men is http://www.malesurvivor.org they have some upcoming conferences at http://www.malesurvivor.org/weekends/2014/schedule.html but they are in the United States. (I have not been to any of their conferences so I cannot tell you how they are.) In the United States almost all rape crisis centers will help men and women who are survivors of abuse so you may want to reach out to a hotline here. I did just call one place in Lebanon and they only help women but I don’t speak Arabic so there may be other resources for men there that I was unable to find in Googling in English. There is a list of hotlines at http://centers.rainn.org/ (I would not tell them that you are not local because ten they may not help, some do not care while others care). You can also try the online helpline where they will not care if you are local or not at https://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline
Also know that being sexually assaulted as a child can cause confusion about sexuality because a child learns that being around that person feels sexual but that does not mean that you are homosexual or bisexual, if you’re not sexually attracted to men and are attracted to women then you are heterosexual.
It is very important to get good supportive help to heal and to try and surround yourself with healthy people only. Only work with people who are supportive of you healing and listen to yourself to see if you feel supported. Just because another person thinks that a social worker, therapist or organization is great does not mean that they are great or the right people for you to work with. You can heal and you don’t have to suffer from all of the symptoms of sexual assault as long as you keep taking action to heal. Realizing what you just wrote and writing your story are great steps, so keep taking action and find a support person who can help you to heal. You can also read my post http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ which has some tools for beginning to heal. Please feel free to write back with any questions, comments or successes.
It happened so many years ago, but its bothering me and hurting a lot lately. I’ve never talked about this with anyone, and I think that is why I cant get over it. My mom also totally blocked it from her mind, I am pretty sure she kept it to herself, my dad is clueless. she punished me the same way he punished my brother which was not talking to us for what seemed for ever, but I think it was less than a week. My brother is 8 years older and I was 7 or 8 at the time when it happened. My relationship with my brother changed drastically after that. I felt betrayed by my own mother. A couple of years ago my brother ( who now has a family of his own) came completely drunk to my parents house, where I still live. He apologized to me for what he have done to me as a girl. He caught me off guard and told him it was already in the past. But I know it isn’t. Since that day on its been bothering me. I feel like its getting in the way of me enjoying my relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for quite a while and getting intimate with him always brings back memories that I wish didn’t exist.
I don’t know what to do next. I don’t have a brother anymore, thats for sure.
Hi Lynn,
I am so sorry that this happened to you. And that no one in your family protected or supported you but know that you can still heal. You can have a great life, you can have great relationships. You have taken the first step by reaching out and telling your story, now the next step is to find a person to help to heal from the abuse. If you are in Tijuana you can try reaching out to http://www.difbc.gob.mx/ and see if they have resources there you can also try calling this number which hopefully works (I hope this is the correct number for the hotline) 52-664-608-8200, if that doesn’t work you can try calling the rape crisis counselling center un San Diego at 858-272-5777 during business hours and ask them for suggestions of seeking help. If none of those ideas help you can look for good counsellor or therapist or someone who will support you in your healing from the abuse and detoxing from the trauma. Always listen to your thoughts about a person you are thinking about working with. Ask yourself, are they kind? Are they supportive? Do they have tools to help me to heal or do they want me to take drugs or herbs to manage my emotions (I am against taking drugs or herbs to manage emotions because your emotions are what you need to detox and release out of your body, drugs have horrific side effects and herbs will mask the things you need to feel.) Maybe there are friends that will also support you in healing from the abuse, but you are very correct in not feeling supported by the blocking the abuse out and it is horrible to hear that your mother punished you for being sexually assaulted. You need support to detox your body from the trauma that it has been holding on to.
The other big question that needs to be asked is who assaulted your brother and did that same person assault you and the memory has been blocked out. People rarely, if ever, assault someone unless they gave been assaulted, this does not excuse the person who assaulted you but it could give you more clues if there are other things from your past that you will need to work on and heal from.
It is very unusual for a perpetrator to apologize and that is a good sign that he may have done work to heal and there is a great chance too that he is not abusing his children. Acknowledging that what you did was wrong as a perpetrator is huge. But the main question is how can you take care of you and heal. If it would help you can tell your brother that it was traumatic and the assault still affects you to this day, that you were stuffing your true feelings when you said it was in the past. You can even ask him to pay for therapy for you to heal, if you find a good therapist. If this feels like something you want to do but you do not need to. It is just a thought. Talking to him will let you know if he is truly sorry also, though him being sorry does not take away your pain. It also might be helpful to move move out of your parents house, since they are not supportive of you. (I don’t know if that is culturally possible to do in Tijuana.) As we heal, it is important to surround ourselves with supportive friends and that our significant other is also a supportive and healthy person. Everyone deserves real support and real friends.
You may also want to read my posts at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ and at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/ to get some ideas on things you can do on your own to start to heal from the abuse.
Always remember that you can heal and have a great life if you take the actions needed to heal. Keep taking healthy actions until you heal. Please feel free to write any updates, questions or successes.
I was about 11 when my brother who is 7 years old sexually molested me. I suppressed this up until about 12 years ago. Not for sure how much family believes it and my brother was confronted with it by my mother and of course denied it. I am having a very difficult time being around him even more as I am getting older and I get the guilt trip from my family that our parents are getting older and I need to do it for them (it’s x-mas holiday) The last few years I cry before I go and after and I am told get it over it. Really?? Get over it?? I am trying to figure out what to do with x-mas coming up again. I already can feel the anxiety coming up. Why should I have to suffer? I think I have had enough suffering just with this coming back to me over the years. I love my brother but I will never forget or forgive.
Hi Lisa,
I am assuming that you are talking about your family of origin not believing you? Or is it your husband that does not believe you? Or both?
You do not ever need to see your brother ever again. Since he denied it, it would appear that he has no interest in changing or healing which means that he could still be a perpetrator any time he gets a chance. Your family of origin is not a real family to you because real families protect children who from being abused, support them, believe them and help them to heal. It does not matter that your parents are getting older, they did not protect you as a child and have no interest in supporting you as an adult or even believing you. They lost their opportunity to have a daughter. You do not need to hang out with them at any time but you will need to nurture your inner child who will grieve at the loss of an illusion of a loving family. Do nurturing and fun things over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. My post at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/ has more ideas for taking care of yourself during the holidays. You don’t ever have to put yourself in those family gatherings again. And it is time to take actions to heal.
You do not need to suffer for the rest of your life, if you take actions to heal. And if you can find a good person to help you with your healing, a person that has tools to help you to release the toxic trauma and heal, not drugs (the placebo effect is very powerful) and herbs those don’t really help either (they cover up what you need to release). You need to get to the root cause and be willing to take the actions needed to heal. You can try calling 1-800-656-HOPE (It’s a 24/7 hotline that will connect you with the local rape crisis hotline) and see if they have resources, therapist, who are actually great and have tools to help you, people who make you feel supported. It’s staffed by volunteers, so if one person is not helpful, hang up and try again later, keep reaching out until you find a great person to help you to heal. A bad or mediocre therapist or social worker can make you feel worse. You do not need to suffer and will feel better as you heal. Keep searching until you find the right person who can help you to heal. Always listen to how you feel when you are reaching out for help and see if you feel supported.
You do not have to love your brother, you do have to forgive and love yourself, frequently survivors hold onto feeling of guilt about the abuse even though it is not the survivor’s fault.
So make some fun holiday plans and reach out for help in healing and find a great person to help you to heal and do what you need to do to heal and you will find your life getting better. Feel free to write back, any answers to my questions, any questions you have, updates or successes.
Courageous Amy – Thank you. Through your words, others can find the courage as well. I am unsure of my former circumstances. Like you, I have no substantial memories, but at 50+, I am putting the puzzle pieces together and beginning to question what happened in my childhood. It helps to write this – the mere act of writing often answers my own questions. Here are some of the puzzle pieces I have accumulated:
– I have (an STD)…edited by blogger (was diagnosed at the age of 10 or 11 when my mother took me to the doctor because I was having pain in my ‘private’ region).
– I was told either by the doctor or my parents (I was young, so I don’t remember), that I had probably gotten the (STD)…edited by blogger from a dirty toilet seat.
– I learned when I was in my 40s, that (STDs)…edited by blogger aren’t contracted from a dirty toilet seat.
– I had a terribly strained relationship with my mother (for as long as I can remember). She was physically and emotionally abusive and still is.
– We were told as kids that mom was “mentally abusive” and we were begged by our dad, to just overlook mom’s bad behavior and keep peace in the house.
– Dad enabled her and never stopped her from her terrible treatment of us kids.
– Dad was also bullied by mom.
– As I got into my late teens I asked my dad why he stays and puts up with such poor treatment from his wife. He said it was the Catholic upbringing – you get married and you stay married.
– I cried countless tears watching my dad be put down, argued with, bullied and treated with utter disrespect by my mother.
– My mother use to tell me my dad cheated on her, but I figured that was her paranoid mind.
– Whether true or not, she really believed he cheated on her so her goal in life became destroying him on a constant basis by letting herself go (not tending to herself) and by treating him like crap.
– I became highly protective of my dad and that would set my mom off in a really bad way. She has come after me on several occasions (even as an adult).
– I hate that I have to see her and put up with her, but it was the only way to keep a relationship with my dad.
– over the past year, I have been in one of the worse depressions of my life. what I’m learning is that I can’t protect my dad (he never protected me) and that it will kill me to keep a relationship with my mother (and him).
– over the past month, i started to wonder if there was more to this story, so I started doing a little research and found an article that describes the roles that family members play when there is incest in that family. it was disturbing to see my own family so perfectly described in that article. (Father is tormented by his wife and feels unloved. Daughter tries to make up for it by being extra loving to father. Mother in turn hates daughter and becomes jealous of daughter). The part I’m leaving out is the part in the article that basically says father gets weak and becomes a ‘regressed offender’ with daughter, since he’s not appreciated by wife. So…. I leave that part out because i have no memories of such a thing happening with my father. Yet, I have considered that possibility about a dozen times over the last 8 years. Why would I even consider that this happened in my house? I would get upset with myself for the mere thought that my dad would do that and never reconsider it. But here it is again – my uncertainty about why I am stuck in life and struggling with depressions. My guilt and shame over being a ‘bad’ daughter because I rarely visit my parents. My questions as to why my mother was always so jealous of my time with my dad…
Whether I learn the truth or not – i have finally decided at 53, that I can no longer spend time with my parents. It has been an ever increasing toxic situation that has rendered me useless and depressed. In the past, when I cut my parents off for long periods of time, I would feel so much guilt that eventually I would ‘go back’ and begin the relationship with the 2 of them. Last night, I had a revelation. The guilt that use to drive me back to them, wasn’t out of missing them or regrets if they should die without me in their life… The guilt that use to drive me back to them was the fingers pointing at me for being a bad daughter! For not sticking by family! It’s tough living in a society where everyone tells you ‘family comes first! “thru thick and thin!”…(edited by blogger) I spent years listening to well meaning (but misguided) friends who would also guilt me into going back to the people who hurt me the worst! My parents!
So today is a new day with a new perspective. Now I live for me and no one else. I’m not saying I won’t miss my parents (like you miss a pet when it dies, or a friend when they relocate). I’m sure the holidays will be a bit misty… BUT one thing is for sure, I will no longer cry tears of GUILT or SHAME based on my decision to cut myself off from a family that is truly unhealthy for me.
Thanks again.
Hi Gwenst,
Good for you for realizing that you were a fantastic daughter, you just had horrible parents. Your parents did not know how to love and that is really sad. It shows your strength to not go back to that bad situation and force yourself to be around your parents. Parents that don’t protect their children from abuse or abuse their children do not deserve to have their children in their life. It is not ok that some people in our society think that no matter what we should be around our families. My post at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/ has some helpful hints about how to take care of yourself in a world that sometimes supports spending time with your family and also helpful hints for holidays times.
Being told as a child that you got an STD from a dirty toilet seat, definitely sounds like a perpetrator or a perpetrator’s enabler trying to cover up child sexual assault.
I am not saying that this definitely happened to you but have you considered the possibility that the person who told you the thing about STDs may have sexually assaulted you? Even if it was your mom, it’s something that many in our society do not want to think that woman sexually assault children but it does happen, and needs to be questioned. It’s also time to surround yourself with friends who support you and your decision to not be around your parents. Sometimes when we heal we need to let go of some friendships and make new friends. As we heal we realize more and more that we deserve and can have great friends who support our decisions.
I also recommend finding supportive therapist or other practitioner to help you to heal and detox from all of the abuse that you experienced. You can try calling 1-800-656-HOPE and they will connect you to the local rape crisis center and they may be able to help. If they are supportive then that is great, if not, keep looking for supportive therapists who also have the tools to help you to permanently heal from the abuse. Healing does not have to be a lifetime process but unfortunately many therapists lack the tools to help survivors fully heal. Also don’t fall for the lie that because of the abuse you have a chemical imbalance, that will put you on a spiral of taking drugs or herbs that cover up the memorials and feelings that you need to detox from and they also come with their own sets of toxic and problematic side effects. that you need Which is why they say it needs to be a lifelong process because those are the tools they have to help. But if a therapist is kind and has some tools even though they say it will be a lifelong process, you may want to work with them for a little if you can’t find someone else to start.
Form your post you sound like a strong person who is on their way to healing from the sexual abuse. Keep taking action to heal and you will begin to notice your life getting better and things getting easier. Please feel free to post any updates or questions.
i hurt
Hi Gary,
I hear you but remember that you can heal. It shows your strength to reach out and say that you hurt. It’s especially hard for men in a society that sometimes feels like men are not victims but they like women are victims of abuse from perpetrators of both genders. Keep reaching out. Try calling 800-656-HOPE a 24/7 hotline for survivors that will connect you to your local rape crisis center, if you live in a small rural area and are concerned abut anonymity, try going to centers.rainn.org and talk with any center listed. (Some centers only want to speak with people who are local so you can tell them that you prefer not to talk about your location, you are still working on getting help, reaching out.) If the place you call is not helpful, hang up ASAP and try another hotline. Do not give up. Also try looking for a great therapist to help you to heal. Be picky, only work with a person that seems like they are helpful, listen to your intuition.
Try looking at these links also:
https://1in6.org/
http://amensproject.com/male-survivors-of-abuse
http://www.pandys.org/malesurvivors.html
https://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/male-sexual-assault
You do NOT have to hurt forever. Take action and you will heal.
Hi Gary,
yes, I know how much it hurts and how hard and difficult and scary it can be to face the hurt…I was sexualy abused by my parents as a young child through my early teens… it left me feeling alone and helpless with little trust of others…I am still reaching into myself, trying to find a solid place to stand on…it can hurt, I know that…I found a fine therapist a few years ago and he has helped me and is still helping me through the pain,fear and anger…and I am a member of some of the fine sites mentioned to you…don’t give up on yourself, remember you were the victim…none of the hurt you feel is your own fault…start with small steps…I know it’s not easy, but you can make it through to a better sense of yourself…give it time…you deserve it…
Joseph
I was 16 when I was abused by a family friend whom I trusted and respected. At that time I felt guilty that I was the reason the whole thing happened to me. I stayed in touch with this man for three years. Even though I tried to get away from him I always used to get back to him. then I indulged in a fling. Then in a serious relationship which was emotionally abusive . I then decided to do something about my problem. I opened up to my friends for the first time told them about my abuse. That uncle still comes to my house so am planning to tell my parents the whole story. But am afraid they will blame me.What should I do?
Hi S,
If your parents blame you that says something about who they really are, people who support sexual assault perpetrators and says nothing about you. It says also that you had a ton less support growing up than you may have remembered. You have every right to not have to ever see a perpetrator ever again even if that perpetrator is “family”. A true family person does not rape or abuse anyone. If they abuse you they may be related to you but they are not real family. Same thing goes for is your parents support a perpetrator over their own child then in truth they are not real parents because real parents would do whatever it took to protect their children, no matter what age against abuse and sexual assault.
If I understand correctly it was your uncle who was the family friend who abused you? So I am writing my response based on that, if I am It is not correct then you can substitute the perpetrator for when I write uncle. It is always the perpetrator’s fault, so the guilt that you are holding onto belongs to your uncle and not to you. The secret that you are holding onto also is your uncle’s secret and not your secret. He is the one who was horribly wrong. It is a lie that you “indulged” in a fling with the person who abused you, I am sure that there was coercion as well as you trying to normalize the abuse.
You have every right to tell your parents the whole story but you may want to tell each of them separately, so in case neither are supportive it will not be a two against one situation. If they both are supportive and continue to be supportive throughout your entire healing process then you have truly loving parents. If they are not support you need to prepare yourself for how you will take care of yourself if that happens, just in case. You may also want to have a supportive person there with you if you choose to tell your parents what happened so that way you have someone on your side for sure.
If you are in India you may also want to call hotlines that may be helpful at 23370597, 23379181 and 2337 0557 (the last one is 24/7) and see if they are helpful. They should be supportive and give you tools to help heal from the abuse and help you to have healthier relationships also as you heal from the abuse. But always listen to your intuition. If they are helpful that is great and if not then hang up or if you are in a counselling session politely leave.
You my also want to read my post “What to Do If You Feel Triggered” which can help when you feel strong emotions coming up at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/
You can heal and have a great life if you take action to heal. And know the choice on whether or not to tell your parents is up to you but by telling them what happened to you, you will learn if your parents are truly supportive people or not and that can be very helpful to know when healing from sexual abuse.
(my story)
im only fifteen years old an constantly have the thought my life is over. i have been depressed since i was young but a couple weeks ago i at school i was sexually abused buy a guy whom i had thought was my friend. it happened twice but i had never told anyone about. i go to a boarding school and i try to be as independent as possible. one day i had alot of irritation “down there” and i had called my mom. she suggested it was a yeast infection. i was like ok “ill take some medication and i will feel better.” i went and got some over the counter mono stat and then took a nap. i was really tired and depressed from the incident. then my itchy un comfort turned into excruciating pain. i had to see a doctor. it didnt feel right. i woke up the next day so inflamed i couldnt walk. one of the staff members at school took me to the ob/gyn. i was terrified. i knew it wasnt yeast. the doctor had a look. and he wasnt too gentle about it. he asked if i was a virgin and i said yes. he told me i was lying because he said i had herpes. i broke out into tears and told him about the rape. it was traumatizing enough until he called my school. i asked him to call my mom, but he wouldnt because he was too “busy” i called my mom and i was screaming and crying. i wanted to just go home. my parents drove up to the school and by the time i got back from the doctors my stuff was packed. they were the most supportive out of everyone. my wouldnt stop hugging and kissing me. it usually bothers me, but that time i was glad to get hugs. we went to the hospital and i stayed for a week. the treated me for a urinary tract infection due to not peeing from the pain of infection. then we went to an investigator and i talked before a judge. i finally went home for a day and then back up to school. i think if there was a record for the worst week ever. it would be one of the winners. (to everyone else) stay strong and keep on going.
Hi Rachel,
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you, that is awful. I hope that person was kicked out of your school, because they have no right to be there. I will write more later by the end of this week, until then please reach out to an agency or therapists that helps rape survivors. You can try the 800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline, which will connect you to your local rape crisis center, if they are helpful and supportive, that is great, if not hang up and try again later. Keep reaching out until you get the help you need.
Hi Rachel,
You’re life is not in the least bit over, trauma can feel like that but please believe me when I say you can still have a great life. The first thing that might be helpful is to find ways to detox from the the abuse and also be easy on yourself, you may experience feelings that you have not experienced before. Try to remind yourself that it is your body’s way of dealing with the abuse and it will pass and you will heal if you take action. Were you able to call the 800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline? Was that helpful? Did you find someone to work with? After you deal with the current abuse, it could be very helpful to look at why you have been depressed since you were little, you most likely need to look and find what happened to you when you were little, was there a trauma that caused the depression or do you have some food allergies such as celiac disease, anemia or digestive blockages, etc that have caused that. Since chemical imbalance is spoken about so much people have started to believe in it despite the lack of scientific evidence for it. I would stay away from anti-depressants and anti-psychotics because the side effects are horrific, including causing depression and suicidal ideation, so I would only choose a therapist that has the tools to help you to detox the trauma and discover the reason for your depression without drugs. You can learn more about the harmful side effects and alternatives for healing at http://www.moshersoteria.com/articles/psychotropic-drugs-and-crises/ and he also has a video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnryFXxl7yU there are a bunch of other people who have spoken out on the subject, but I met Dr. Loren Mosher before he died and I was very impressed. If you google “healing depression without drugs” a bunch of articles will come up. I would also look deeper into why you usually get bothered by hugs and see if there is anything from the past that caused that. There may or may not be something more. Also sometimes hugs and kisses have good energy behind them and other times they feel awful.
I am glad that you parents supported you, that is so important. I wish the doctor had been more gentle but I am glad that he did call the school. Was that guy thrown out or will you see him when you are back at school? I believe that you should not have to see a person who raped you ever again, especially at school. If you take him to court, maybe there but nowhere else. If he is still at school, I would maybe talk to your parents to help you get him out of school, people are thrown out for far less, if not see what you need to do to take care of yourself if you see him at school.
Keep remembering you will heal and if you feel triggered, ask yourself what action you could take that could help you to detox the emotion that you are feeling at the moment. You may also want to read my post “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/
If you haven’t reached out for help, I would recommend you do that in the next few days. Please comment back to answer the questions, if you want to and feel free to post new comments about struggles, questions and successes, you’re experiencing.
Hi there,
When I was between the ages of about 5 and 8 by brother (who is 7 years older than me) used to wait until my parents left the house and then initiate things with me. At the time I didn’t know it was wrong at all and when my mum caught this happening she told me she “didn’t want to talk about it”. It stopped when I was around 9 and I haven’t thought about it since. I haven’t told a single person or mentioned it to anyone. I’ve barely addressed it in my mind but recently (I’m 20) it has been like a dark cloud over me. I don’t understand how i’ve been able to brush it off for so long and yet now it’s making me feel uncomfortable. The wierdest thing is my family are very close, I never think of my brother with hate, now he is my brother. I’ve excused what he did because he was young too but now it’s really bothering me personally. I would love your help, I’ve never admitted this to anyone. Thank you 🙂 xxx
Hi Daisy,
It shows that you have a ton of strength that you written what happened and you broke the silence. Silence about abuse is only keeping the perpetrator’s secret but it is not your secret to keep.
I am sorry to hear that that happened to you and shame on your mother for not helping you and ignoring the situation. Real moms help their children both of their children because if your brother was assaulting you at 13, he was repeating a behaviour he learned from someone else. (It is important to ask the question who assaulted your brother because there is a good chance that the same person may have assaulted you and that memory as with other traumatic memories may have been forgotten, especially with a mother like yours who has no interest in protecting children from sexual assault.) This does not make it ok that your brother assaulted you because he was assaulted but it is an important question to ask yourself. What in the world was your mother thinking when she said she “didn’t want to talk about it”. She obviously was not thinking about protecting her children. Your mother is a perpetrator’s enabler at the very least.
It is normal for people who have had traumatic things happen to them to push them away or even forget the memories as a way of coping with the trauma. When you were a child not thinking about it helped you to cope with the abuse in the only way you knew how. But as you described it still hangs over you like a dark cloud until you process the traumas and detox from them. I wrote an post that might help you to detox from some of the trauma at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/
It also can be very helpful to reach out and call a hotline when you are feeling triggered 0808 802 9999 between 12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm, they may also be able to get you free counselling. But always listen to your intuition, if the person you are speaking with on the hotline is not helpful, hang up and try again later or try another hotline, the United States has a ton of 24/7 hotlines you can find at centers.rainn.org, though you may not want to tell them that you are out of their area or they may not talk with you, it all depends on the particular hotline. Same goes for if you go into counselling and the person does not feel supportive or after a while your life is not getting better, then I would keep looking for another therapist.
As for your family being close, it may feel close but a truly close family puts their children first and will protect their children at any cost You were sexually assaulted by your brother and it is healthy that you are no longer ignoring that fact and that it is bothering you, it should bother you. And the fact that your mother nothing to help you, should also bother you. Has your brother ever tried to apologize about doing that to you and make amends or do you think he has no remorse? If he is getting help for what he did to you, then there is hope for him but if he does not really care, then it may be time for you to see your family mother and brother for who they really are; an illusion of a close family. It may be time to gently begin you get your distance from them. Then you can begin to surround yourself with healthy people who truly care about you. And even if your brother is getting help and feels terrible about what he did, it is still up to you to decide if you want him in your life. Having a perpetrator or enabler who feels no remorse about sexual assault can be traumatizing to you and the innocent part of you that was assaulted. Even though consciously you may be blocking out those feelings.
I would keep reaching out for help until you find good help that feels right and healing does not have to be a lifelong process but it can take a while. So make a call and keep making calls until you get the help you need. Please write back with any updates, questions or successes.
Hi Daisy,
I too was sexually abused by two of my older brothers. I don’t remember when it first started happening but I think I was 6 or 7. It stopped when I was 10. I knew that what had happened was wrong, but I convinced myself for years that it was just a horrible, disgusting thing that happened between kids and that I just needed to forget about it and move on. After all, it had stopped and I feared “rocking the boat”. After several years of exploring the abuse with a therapist I can now see how it impacted my perspective on life and on myself. I already confronted my mom who also chose to ignore it like yours. I’m confronting my brothers after years of silence. I found this blog while trying to muster up the courage to contact them. Thank you for posting and trust the feelings that are coming up for you. I could not truly process my feelings until I was in a safe place away from the unhealthy dynamics of my family. Thank you for breaking your silence. It’s helping me to break mine.
~H
Hi H,
I am sorry it too me so long to post your comment, I have been traveling and working. I am glad that you broke your silence, it shows your strength. I will write more in a bit but I am still on the road so it could be over a week.
Hi H,
It shows your strength that you are speaking your truth no matter what the out is. Did you confront your brother? Did you feel your strength for speaking your truth? It’s great that you have a supportive therapist. Please feel free to post updates on your healing process. I don’t have much to write because it sounds like you are doing everything that you need to do to heal.
I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. My step father molested me as a teenager and I have told no one of the abuse until about 10 months ago. I am now 30 and married with three children. In sharing my secret my husband, friends and God have been my rock. In telling my mother and sister they have choosen his side. My mom is still by his side and my sister doesnt think it is fair she has to choose sides so has cut off all contact with me. Sometimes I feel that it is harder to deal with loosing your family over this than the actual abuse. My sister did contact me to invite me to my nephews birthday party but informed me that my step father will be there as well. They do not understand that he is a pedophile and it kills me that my sister has a child and acts this way. It hurts that he has lost nothing and I have lost everything. It is hard for me being a Christian and still trying to be nice to my mother. I know she has a lot on her shoulders and I feel really bad for her. She will not tell anyone of the abuse because it will ruin her image so inturn she will never get any healing from this. By keeping in contact with her I feel as though I am bring myself down.
I will write more of a reply within a week. What your stepfather did is wrong and it is time to surround yourself with people who believe and support you. Just because that is your family, does not mean that you need to be around them, it is not healthy for you.
I thought I was reading my own story when I saw your post. I’m having the same issues with my ex-step-father (one of my abusers), my sister, niece, nephew, mother, brother in law, aunt, bio dad. I will refer to my abuser as “It” – he doesn’t deserve acknowledgment as a human being. Actually everyone in my family has shunned me for not keeping the abuse a secret and acknowledging it for what it is. I am 44 now. My sister and I were abused (I got it the worst) by It. My mom participated. My sister considers It (now divorced from my mom for 23 years) and It’s side of the family as her real family. My sister invites It to every single family event. It ALWAYS attends, knowing good and well that if he is there, I will not attend. It has BALLS. It is not ashamed to show Itself in front of everyone who knows what he did. They say “He’s changed”. Pedophiles don.t change.
They allow this monster around very young children (girls). My niece and nephew are supposedly aware of what happened, but I’m certain they were told a modified version of what happened. In m y family’s mind, It is the victim because I refuse to forgive him. They tell me to get over it and that I should be forgiving. It’s never going to happen.
My nephew got married last week and I could not attend because I knew It would be there with It’s posse of supporters. I’m ready to cut off all contact with my family. I cannot deal with this treatment any longer. I wake up in the morning thinking of what he did to me and how he has ruined my life and my health. It disturbs me more and more as I get older. I have nobody on my side except two friends and my therapist. Even my husband tells me to cut off contact, but not in a supportive way or to protect myself. He just wants me to stop talking about it.
My mother has not changed a bit. She is a pathological narcissist like “It”. She says wants me to “stop hurting” – not because she cares or is sorry. It’s so she doesn’t have the repercussions to deal with. My sister makes me ill – I truly hate her. She has become a different person. Everyone thinks she is amazing. My bio dad never protected me and was not in my life. I’ve been in and out of the mental hospital 5 or 6 times. I’ve lost count. I’m down to 3 meds for depression, anxiety and mood instability. If I don’t take medicine I will become suicidal. My marriage and life suck. I’m not where I should be in my life.
Sorry for rambling. I’m amazed that I opened this website and saw your post. I wish you the best. ~T
Hi Tiffany,
It may be time to stop trying to be around an unhealthy family. If they are choosing to be around a pedophile over you, it is time to spend time taking care of yourself. It is great that you feel the support of your two friends and therapist, that is so important. Maybe it is time to cut all ties with your family of origin and focus on spending more time with your friends and therapist. It’s all about what do you need to do to permanently heal. To live a great life. What steps do you need to take? Every survivor can heal and have a great life. You need to take the steps to keep healing.
I am admently opposed to medication, suicidal ideation is one of the side effects of withdrawals from the medication but it is also a side effect taking of all of the anti-depressants and anti-psychotics on the market. The other problems with the medication can be found on the side effects label and include, liver damage and possible tardive dyskinesia (involuntary body movements, usually due to the drug interfering interfering with the brain, it is sometimes irreversible), depression, severe anxiousness and that is just to name a few. If you do choose to withdraw from the medication, it must be done extremely slowly and only under the supervision of a qualified doctor or a qualified alternative medicine practitioner. Not all doctors or alternative medicine practitioners are good enough or truly qualified to help. So you must choose very carefully who you will hire to help you to detox from the medication, if you choose to go off of it.
Before you do anything with the medication, you may want to work on better life skills that can help you to cope with when you get triggered. But also note that some of the emotions that you are currently experiencing could be the side effects of the drugs you are taking. A great article about drugs is at http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo
You may want to read my post “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ Also you may want to call the 1-800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline when you get triggered. If they are helpful great, if not hang up and try again later or try another hotline in your area at centers.rainn.org (You do not need to tell them that you are out of the area.) Keep working with your therapist, if that works for you and possibly schedule more sessions or you may want to work with a person from your local rape crisis center as well. The point is to keep taking action until you are healed from your childhood abuse and living a fun and happy life.
Do not beat yourself up about where you are in life, instead, keep taking actions to heal. You can try writing a journal of little great moments in your life such as a beautiful sky, a pretty flower, a great book, fun moment with your friends. Look for tiny successes at first. You may also want to try doing the workbook “Artists Way” by Julia Cameron, it has some great tools to help you heal and take better care of yourself.
If your marriage is not working, question what you need to do to take care of yourself. And always have your victim beacon on. Are you putting yourself in a situation that you feel bad and feel like a victim? Then keep taking action to heal and put yourself in situations that are nurturing and healing. When you hear yourself complaining, ask yourself what you can do to put yourself in a healing space (such as not communicating with your family, etc) and see what your inner child needs to heal.
Even though your step dad is a pedophile, it is hard for me to hear any human being being called “it”. Calling a person “it” dehumanizes people, just as we were dehumanized when we were victimized. It seems vengeful and not nurturing to your own self. I understand the anger and you have every right to be angry, but I needed to write that. You do not need to talk with him or anyone in your family who supports a person who is a pedophile (and I recommend not speaking with pro-pedophile people) but if you always see that others are human beings then you will always realize that you are a human being as well.
Remember to keep asking yourself if you are putting yourself into a situation that you will complain about later, if so then make a new choice to put yourself in a situation, that feels good to you. That is how you heal by taking care of yourself. Then you can go on a journey from victim to survivor to thriver. You can have a great life, just keep taking actions to be good to yourself.
Your story kind of sums of my life right now. I was Abused by my mothers ex. It started when I was around 7 until I was about 11. I told my mother she put him out but then about 5 months later he came back to live with us. She depended on him for bills so felt the need that he had to be there. So I don’t know if she believed me or not… She never went to the police. But to sum it up my mother had a child by him he is now 25 and is about to get married but I want no parts of the wedding bc I know he is going to be there. I can rarely have sex with my husband bc I have flashbacks of the abuse. It’s like I’m a functioning alcoholic now. I get up get the kids ready for school and go to work. I think it’s time for me to start back seeing a therapist..
Thanks so much for reaching out. Seeing an excellent therapist is very helpful, seeing a mediocre or bad was is not helpful. I recommend looking for a great therapist to help you to heal. I will write more in the next week.
Hi Bianca,
Sorry it took me so long to respond had a big trip I had to get ready for and I’m still traveling. I am so sorry to hear that your mother chose getting her bills paid over the wellbeing of her daughter that is not ok. A real mom protects her children no matter what, so your mother was not a real mom. It could be a healthy choice to not be at your brothers wedding and I would tell your brother why you are not attending. See how your brother responds, if he is supportive of your decision (or maybe even asks his dad not to attend) then it is possible that your brother is a truly supportive person. If he belittles your decision or belittles you, not a good sign. It also may be healing to get some space from your mother who did not protect you, unless she is willing to do whatever it takes to make amends.
You can heal and have a healthy and great life, if you take action to heal. You do not have to numb out (alcohol, prescription drugs or mood altering herbs) for the rest of your life. Have you had a chance to find a great therapist in the time it took me to respond? It is important to work with a therapist who has tools to help you to heal all of the way from the abuse and not one interested in having you take drugs to help heal. One who knows you can fully heal and it does not need to be a lifelong process. One who when you talk with them, you are truly being supported and respected. You may want to try the 800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline which will connect you to the nearest rape crisis hotline. They may have suggestions or even free counselling but always remember that no matter how great someone else thinks a therapist is, listen to your intuition.
I think it’s definitely time for a therapist but make sure they are a great therapist. Bad and mediocre therapist can make things worse sometimes especially if they play the blame the client game when the therapists themselves makes a mistake.
Please feel free to post back on the website with anything you want to say or update.
Hi Getting Past the Past (I like your name, it shows hope),
Good for you for speaking out. It shows your strength. I once met a lady who was in her 90s and when I told her about my play “An Angel Cried A Tear Last Night” that is my story of remembering and healing from abuse, she told me it happened to her and I was the first person she told. Almost 90 years of keeping the perpetrator’s secret. Now you know the people who are truly there for you and who is not really there for you. It is so sad that your sister and mother have chosen to protect a pedophile and not protect children.
I see it as you are not loosing your family, because they were never really there for you. Physically they are no longer there but emotionally they were never there for you. A mother who has no interest in protecting her daughter from being raped by her own father and a sister who is not protecting her own child from being raped or sexually assaulted, those are not good people to be around, even if they are related to you. (It is extremely unlikely that your father has stopped sexually assaulting children, most adults who violate children and have enablers like your mother around, do not stop abusing children. Now, if your dad had apologized and done everything that he could to make amends and get help, then there is a very good he has stopped but that does not sound like what happened in your family.) You are loosing the illusion of a caring family, but a family who stands by a pedophile is not a real family. It is a group of people who are related to each other who are also very sick people.
Keep reminding yourself that what you have lost is the illusion of a caring family, and the physical contact with a pro-pedophile family but what you have gained is knowing that you have what sounds like a great husband and caring friends. That is who I would focus spending time with.
Please be a good Christian to yourself, love yourself and allow yourself to spend time with people who care about you and stop talking with your mother. It is not your job to stay in contact with a woman who supports a pedophile. Take care of yourself. It is neither loving nor caring to remain in contact with a woman who supports a perpetrator over her own daughter. That is abusive to yourself and your inner child. Feel free to tell your mother why you are cutting off contact with her and if there is any part of her that is loving or kind, she may eventually make amends but it is not your job to be in contact with your mother. A real mother would have done anything she could have done to protect her daughter from any type of abuse but it sounds like in this case it is your mother who is being abusive to you. It is not Christian of your mother to be more worried about her image than a child’s safety.
It may be a great time to call the 1-800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline and get support there as well. There are also free counselling centers for survivors of child sexual assault that they can put you in contact with. If the person you are speaking with on the phone is not helpful, hang up and try again later (volunteers change shifts), if you keep not getting help go to centers.rainn.org and find another rape crisis center in your area, you don’t need to tell them that you are not exactly in their area if they are helpful. Keep reaching out until you get the help you need.
Please post any questions or updates, updates on healing give other survivors hope but be gentle with yourself and remember healing can take time.
Hi Amy
My name is Ami I wrote to you about a year ago and told you that I was rape by my brother and that i intended to confront my mum and him also.
While I finally got the courage to write a letter to all my family about what happened to me in my life has a child.
My sister was totally dismissive and could not care less about it, she also said that she had no advice for me. my mum was no better but deep down I knew that already but i guess it does not stop it from hurting. I feel like my whole world is upside down. I do some how feel some kind off relief that i told them exactly everything I had in my heart.
I don’t want to have anything to do with them.
I hope i will be able to move on and live happily with my husband and 4 kids.
I just don’t know where to start.
Hi Ami,
It is so great that you chose to tell your truth, that shows your strength and it sounds like that was exactly what you needed to do for you. It helped solidify who your family of origin really is. They are a group of pro-pedophiles. shame on your sister for being dismissive of you being raped as a child and shame on your mother as well. Your brother went to jail for being a pedophile and yet your family does not care that he has raped children.
When you wrote me before, you had mentioned “…couple of days ago I had a weird dream. In my dream my husband was saying to me that ” you’re mum abused you” hearing that I felt completely sick ,like the world was falling on me .I just don’t know how to explain but it felt like something that was real and ever since I can’t stop thinking about it. Could my mum had abusing me? is it real or was it just a dream?”
Women do sexually assault children, I am not saying that your mother did that to you but just the fact that your dream said that and she is already pro-pedophile, so it is great that you are getting away from your family. And it is a possibility that she did assault you. If I remember correctly we still do not know who assaulted your brother, someone did the only question is who. Was it your mom or someone else? It is healthy not to have anything to do with pro-pedophiles people. As you get space from your family origin, the more and more you will have space that healing cam occur.
Did you ever reach out to the other number to the rape crisis hotline I wrote you before? I’m not sure if it was the most current. Here is another I think more current number 0808 802 9999 and they answer between 12 – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.or go to http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ if you are anywhere else you can go to http://rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources to find the best hotline. They could be helpful in supporting you in healing from the sexual assaults and supporting you in separating from your pro-pedophile family. If they are helpful it could be a good place to start, you need to talk with a therapist who is supportive of your decisions to confront your family and to heal, if anyone tells you to put your past in the past that is not possible because until you heal and detox from the past abuse, your past will keep popping up in the present, that’s just how trauma works. (I hope your husband is more understanding about that now.) Also stay away from people who think that you should stay in contact with your pro-pedophile family because those people are not supportive of you healing only making everything “Be fakely OK”. You need to find a therapist who also has the tools to help you to heal and you feel comfortable working with. So if you cannot find a good person to work with at the rape crisis center keep looking until you find a person you feel comfortable working with. Also the book “Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron was very helpful in my healing. It helps you to connect with your inner child and take better care of yourself.
Remember, you can heal and have a great life if you keep taking action. So try calling the hotline next time they are open and start there. If the hotline is not helpful, DO NOT give up, try again at another time or ask to speak with another volunteer, if you repeatedly are not helped, then try looking for a therapist. Please feel free to write back with any questions, updates or successes.
Thank you so much Amy for your kind advice.
I have already started therapy I feel comfortable with her she seem very nice and really understanding. I have just bought the book you recommended I will start reading it tomorrow.
YES I finally decided to put them behind me. I can not force my mother to love me and care for me. I really want to get pass this and will do anything to do just that.
I will let you know my progress.
Thank You for caring
Ami I’m so sorry! My brother abused at the age of 7-10. I just came out with my secret 2 months ago. I’m 43. I have always been in horrible relationships with men who abuse me and somehow I still love them. I took me a long time.
Ami, I hope you have someone else to talk to you need support! We are here for you..
Hi Lisa
Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear that it happened to you also.
I am currently seeing a therapist, she is very nice and easy to talk to, it is still early days but I am hopeful.I hope that you are getting the help that you deserve. I feel like for me it help me to put those who are associate with my brother behind me and not to be in contact with them any more. You deserve to be happy and in a good relationship. it look like you too need help and should talk to a therapist. I am not a specialist but am a good listener if you need to I’m too here for you. Thank you again and wishes you all the best.
Hi Lisa,
To add to Ami’s comment. It is not your job to love a person who is abusive to you, it is your job to love and care for yourself. It is your right in any relationship to be treated with respect and love and if the other person is not treating you that way, it may be time to check inside and ask yourself what you need to do to take care of yourself and your inner child. Sometimes in loving abusive people we are instead hurting and not listening to ourselves and what we need.
Take some time to take care of yourself. You may want to reach out for some support, try calling 1-800-363-9010 (I think that’s the right number), you can also try calling a sexual assault hotline in Canada and if it’s hard to find you can try a random one in the United States at centers.rainn.org, they can give you ideas on how to take care of yourself, if you are around men who are not kind. As always, if the person you are speaking with is not helpful hang up and try again later or try reaching out to another hotline. When a person is emotionally or physically abusive it can be defined as domestic violence.
So take some time to reach out and support yourself and thanks for reaching out to support others. Everyone deserves to surround themselves with healthy people.
Hi. Thank you!
I’m going through a emotional rollar coaster to say the least! My family have all chosen to stay away not one person has called me! My own father the leader of the brain washers says Oh. Lisa so what if the abused happend? YOU need help!
I feel like I was born into a cult and I’m slowly getting out!
Hi Lisa,
And I think that it is really healthy for you that your family is not talking with you, though it can hurt at first, they are unhealthy people who are choosing to to support a pedophile over a child. Those are people whom you want to keep very far away from you.
It is possible that you are leaving more than you realize.
I feel amazing now. A few weeks a ago I was so angry a angry small child that hated so many people. Iv holding this secret in and Now I can have a normal life! I want my ex boyfriend back know he didn’t have a chance with me. It’s so incredible my emotions are just so real now everything make sense now I went to my family doctor she knows me well so when I told her everything and we both cried she looked at me and said it make sense! I feel liberated to have my life back iv still not herd anything from my family. I went to the police last week so now it’s in there hands. If iv saved at least one girl then it’s worth it! I think he’s done it to more but I have no idea. I plan on getting all my records of my life and what it was like not having any self worth for 43 yrs. the past 10 days of my new life have been amazing I finally have hope and I can be in my apartment and not feel lonely.
I feel your pain I know those crazy thoughts. I had to go through the anger to get to this amazing place called life.
Lisa
Hi….I too am a survivor of abuse….i repressed the memories and started having thoughts and memories when I was 19…i too thought I was crazy….after all this was my dad….I am now 48 years old and still dont think I have all my memories…i also started getting thoughts about an uncle when I was 35…..I only remember bits and pieces and not quite sure what happened….all i know that this mistrust has ruined (on the inside) my life. I dont trust hardly anyone. When i do and they let me down all the fear of not being good enough returns and i shut down. I have been married twice and in a few other serious relationships. Ive such difficulty with intimacy but am working on it. I have been in therapy but not sure how it is going….i like and trust my therapist which is great. I try to get n touch with inner child but my protector part inside wont let me.. i can only hope the future is better
Hi S,
It is so great that you are reaching out by writing a comment on this blog and that also shows your strength. Your reaction of not trusting and shutting down is a common reaction and that too can heal if you are getting the help that you need in therapy. The problem is that it can be difficult to find a great therapist. How long have you worked with your therapist? If it has been at least a few months, do you notice any healthier patterns in your life? Even if you notice that how you react or live is slightly better since you began working with the therapist that can be a good sign depending on how long you have worked with the therapist. There is also the possibility that others around you may notice that you are getting better before you notice that you are getting better, depending on your friend and work situation. Sometimes survivors can find that they have few if any friends at certain parts of their healing. That can change as you heal.
Have you tried to get in touch with your protector part to see what that part needs from you?
It is hard to believe that our parents and family members who were suppose to protect us would instead abuse us.
Are you still in contact with your dad and uncle? If so, staying in contact with them can prevent you from totally remembering and healing. It could be possible if you are a ritual abuse survivor or if your mother and other people in your family enabled the abuse that you may need to cut ties with them so that you can remember and heal. The protector part of you may not let you get in touch with your inner child if you still are in contact with abusers or abusive enablers. If your are a ritual abuse survivor you may want to check out the book “Safe Passage to Healing: A Guide for Survivors of Ritual Abuse” by Chrystine Oksana which has helped many survivors who have experienced that.
No matter what you experienced you can still heal and have a great life. Whenever you feel triggered you may also want to use the 800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline. It should connect you to the nearest hotline in your area. If they are not helpful, don’t give up, hang up and try again later (volunteers change shifts) or try any local hotline in the United States at centers.rainn.org and keep calling until you get the help you need. (if you are calling from outside of their area, just avoid the question of where you are located, some centers care if you are not local when others do not.) Rape crisis centers should also have free counselling but you need to listen to your intuition to see if the counsellor is helpful for you.
Always remember that you can have a great future, if you keep working on your healing and healing does not have to be a lifelong process, if you work with a great therapist, counsellor or a person who has the tools to help you to heal yourself.
Hi amy…..ive been with my therapist for maybe 5 months..i only go twice a month…yes ive seen a little change at times but other time i feel hopeless…i also go to AA and have a great sponsor so that helps too i do not see my uncle and my father passed away. I dont think it was a ritual thing. I remember one sexual incident with my dad. I remember small other possibilities of him being in my room a couple times. My uncle the memories are unclear. Im not sure if he…(edited by blogger) or was trying to scare me. I just remember being 5 and petrified. I also had other teenage incidents with two boys. One when i was 14 and one at 16. I know i need to feel the pain to heal. I have acknowledged my protector part and thanked her or helping me in the past. When she shows up now i try to acknowledge and understand why she is there. She always wins and stays until i blow off my feelings and stuff them back inside. All i want is to feel like a normal woman with normal desires. Ughh
Hi S,
If you have seen changes that you react a bit better than you used to or feel better then that’s great, if they feel like changes you have done before you worked wit your therapist then that’s something to look into. Healing takes time, so unfortunately when you are still healing you my go to a hopeless place. Have you worked on things that you can do to help yourself when you find yourself in that hopeless place? Are there things that you have done on the past that help to get you out of the hopeless place? Have you worked with your therapist on things that can help you to move through the hopeless place? (Not drugs but tools that can help you move through it and get back the stuck memories and stuck emotions that make you feel hopeless. My post: “What to Do When /you Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ may have some tools that can help you.
Do you think it would be helpful to go to therapy weekly? If it’s a money situation could you possibly talk with your therapist about reducing the rate you pay so that you can afford to go weekly? There may also be funding through your state’s victims of crime office even if you never pressed charges.
There was a reason that you were petrified with a person like your uncle who is suppose to be caring. A part of you knows what happened. It is possible that your protector part may be a little kid who just needs to be comforted so that once you comfort that part and tell that part she will be protected, it is possible that that part will let you remember. It is also possible that that part was taught to keep your uncle and dad’s secret and brainwashed to be on your uncle and dad’s side, in which case that part may not even really be a part of you but instead a part of the lie that keeps perpetrators secrets. (This stuff with abuse can be weird.)
You can feel normal, keep working on healing and acknowledge you successes no matter how small. You can even feel free to post your successes here and other survivors will feel inspired and be one your side saying “Go S!”
Hey, talking to you comforted me a lot. I also told my parents about that uncle. I could not reveal all the details to them and also got a mixed reaction from my parents but overall it went good. I now feel very good about myself and I have healed to a huge extent. Unfortunately am not totally cut off from that uncle but I have decided to toughen up and he does not bother me so much…..nonetheless I like to see as less of him as possible. I spoke to my brother about my abuse and he opened up with me and told me that he was abused by a servant when he was around 4 or 5 years old. I don’t know the exact age but he does not remember the episode entirely.I was the first person to whom he has told about this incident. He has struggled a lot in his school and started smoking at a very young age and I believe its probably because of the abuse. I want to help him but I don’t know where to begin. He is 18 years old right now. I would appreciate if you can give me some advice.
Hi S,
I am glad to hear that you are doing much better and feeling very good about yourself. That is great. Your next challenge for you is to not healthy to “toughen up” and be around your uncle, you are only hurting yourself. Exposing yourself to a person who has hurt you is traumatizing to the little child inside of you that was abused. Even if your family pushes you to be around him, you should not. And if they are doing that then they are supporting a pedophile over their own daughter and that is wrong.
I am very sorry to hear about what happened to your brother. There is still much work to be done in India recognizing that men can be survivors of sexual assault and their perpetrators can be either women or men. Here is an article that I found about male sexual assault survivors in India http://www.thealternative.in/society/male-survivors-gendered-wall-of-silence/ . There is still this awful lie that men are always the perpetrators and women are always the victims. There is also a book just for male survivors called “Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse” by Mike Lew. Here is also a webpage for make survivors https://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/male-sexual-assault .
I would also try calling the rape crisis hotline numbers that I gave you before but without your brother and see if there are any that will help men. It is very sad that some countries think that rape only happens to women but there may be help for men at those hotlines, I’m not sure. The hotlines are 23370597, 23379181 and 2337 0557 (the last one is 24/7) and see if they are helpful. They should be supportive and give you tools to help heal from the abuse and help you to have healthier relationships also as you heal from the abuse. But always listen to your gut feelings. If they are helpful that is great and if not then hang up or if you are in a counselling session politely leave.
If not he can use the online hotline http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/ and start to search for a therapist there to help him and it would be good for him to also stay away from your uncle because it is not healthy for any survivor to be around perpetrators even if they did not abuse them, especially in the early stages of healing. Perpetrators frequently, say, do and have creepy looks that can be traumatizing to any survivor. Also if he can start to look for an excellent therapist, who is supportive of his healing and does not minimize his abuse or say things like “get over it”, “it’s not that big of a deal”, etc. Also one who has tools to help him to heal and does not use drugs or herbs both can cover up the emotions you are trying to heal.
If he wants to be around other male survivors and willing to travel to the United States, there are conferences put in by http://malesurvivor.org/ which is also a blog made just for male survivors. If he wants to speak with someone on the phone he can try calling any hotline listed http://centers.rainn.org/ some volunteers and therapists can be fantastic while others can be awful, so you both should always trust your gut feelings.
Feel free to write back with any questions or updates.
Thank you for reaching out to help people. You talk about healing and that it doesn’t have to take an entire life. I have feared I would never heal within this lifetime so this gives me hope. But I don’t know how to do it unless I can remember everything in order to face it and get over it. So much is buried. And what’s weird is even when a memory (or partial one) comes back, give me a little time, and sometimes I block it out again. I even do this with things that have happened to me as an adult. I know because I share so much with my mother and my mom will tell me about something and I will be amazed I had forgotten (as she is also). I’ve been thinking about being hypnotized so I can remember everything because I don’t want to go through this forever. It hurts so much and I can become such a basket case that I am unable to function just from the feelings that come up before the memory surfaces. I really am crazy sometimes. I don’t want to be. I am a single parent and my children need me so I can’t give in to panic and become that person that I have been at times in the past. But it’s getting harder and harder to push away. Weird as it may seem the thing I hate most is not knowing the truth, only knowing parts. I just want to know!!! I feel I have a right to know and this makes me angry more than what I know does. I remember bits and pieces. All the pieces point to ridiculous conclusions that make me feel guilty for even considering to be possible. Then I think I’m being dramatic and hate myself for that. Then I think I’m in denial and need to get real and come out of it. I really feel like a crazy person because I can’t even figure out what I myself believe or even feel. My feelings sometimes change from one extreme to another as quick as a light switching on and off I can feel angry, then cry like a baby, then laugh… I have tried counselling but hasn’t helped. They’ve all been very kind but just no solutions. I don’t want to sit in an office and feel sorry for myself for thirty minutes once a week. I just feel like I’m wasting my time and like “ok, now it’s time to sit on the pity pot then you have to feel okay again”… but it doesn’t work that way and I want.. need… solutions. I don’t know if you can help but I hope so.
Just a little of what I remember though only parts of things is my father…(edited by blogger) I was molested by his friends, I was taken to satanic meetings (had described to my mother upon returning home from visiting my dad over the summer …(edited by blogger) My dad was such a fun dad from what I can remember…(edited by blogger) He’s seriously genius and his brain works differently making him really out of touch and stupid too. He just thinks very outside the box. Maybe he really thought it was okay…(edited by blogger) He taught me to play poker with his friends and these fancy parties (when he was still wealthy before the trailer park)…(edited by blogger) And I remember one night I went outside and found some broken glass at the dumpster and hid it under my pillow where I made a bed for myself on the floor. I know I felt afraid of when my dad came back but I don’t remember anything else. I hate not knowing because no matter which side I go with I feel like I’m crazy for thinking it. This good man who has literally taken in homeless people and feels guilty if he slightly loses his temper with someone or thinks he might have hurt someone’s feelings. How can this man have done these things to me? I can’t believe it. But I can’t not believe it either. I just don’t want to feel crazy anymore.
What hurts a lot though is that my mother didn’t stop me from going. I know her heart and that it is right. She let me make the decision. But I had already spent years thinking it was my job to lead my father to Christ and that nothing that happened to me in this world was as important as his soul and I couldn’t not go. But I was a little girl when it all started. And I’ve spent my life living this way thinking my job is to save people from themselves and I don’t matter. I just recently realized that I matter… that since God loves me too then I must matter as much as the predator does.
It was having children that caused me to see things somewhat differently. I could never ever ever send my children into a situation like that. I would never put them at risk to help an adult like that. I just don’t understand. But my mother has very recently apologized and asked me to forgive her and I do. I don’t know how to process it emotionally though so it doesn’t hurt anymore. And having children caused me to understand what our heavenly Father’s love must be like… though so so much bigger. And with this I know it is okay to love and protect myself too because I am his little girl. So I’ve begun but feel I need some direction to keep moving forward because lately it has hurt so much and I feel scared. And my father is still in my life though I have never and will never allowed my children to be alone with him. He seems like different people. I have addressed things with him but he says he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. He also says he doesn’t think it hurts a child to have sex anyway, that sex is a natural and good thing and it is society that causes a child to suffer because society and religion makes the child think it’s something dirty and so makes the child feel guilty. I know this is really long. If you read all this thank you so much for caring so much and letting me get it out.
Hi Jewel,
Yes, you can heal and it does not have to take an entire lifetime. Do not worry that you have sometimes re-blocked out some memories, that can be common. The most important thing is to release blocked emotions that are attached to memories that pop up in your life today and make it hard for you. Such as the belief that you are crazy. You are not crazy, what happened to you is crazy. It is crazy that a dad would do this to his daughter and that a mother would allow her daughter to spend time with her father after she knew that her daughter would not be safe. That is crazy. It was not your mother’s job to give you a choice to spend time with a dad who abused his daughter, it was your mom’s job to protect you no matter what. We are hard wired to protect our children and your mother went against that hard wiring and allowed her daughter to be abused.
Once you learn to repress memories, it can also be common that you can repress adult memories. To help deal with feelings are coming up to the surface, you may want to read my post: “What to do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ It can give you some tools to help you detox from all of the feelings that are coming up. Also if you take space away from your dad, it should also help the memories to come up. Being around a person who violated you while you are trying to remember what happened normally will help to prevent the memories that need to come up from coming up. Any time that you feel self hate for thinking that your dad could possibly do this to you, you might want to remind yourself that your dad believes that having sex with children is ok (so it’s really not at all a stretch to think that he could have done that to you). Perpetrators want you to carry their shame and feel their guilt but the shame and guilt belongs to the perpetrator and not the victim. You’re not crazy.
It sounds like you may not have gone to helpful therapists. First of all, if you are healing from all of this abuse, I would do at the very least a one hour session. It is a therapist’s job to validate you and to help you to detox from the abuse. If they did not help you to detox from the abuse or made you feel like you were on a pity pot, then they were not good therapists and there are tons of not very good therapists out there. I would keep interviewing therapists until you find one that has the skills and tools to really help you to heal. Remember, if they don’t think you can heal or that you need to take prescription drugs or herbs like St. John’s Wort, Valerian root, etc to heal, then they most likely do not have the tools to help you to heal. It can be hard finding an excellent therapist but they are out there. You can also try calling 1-800-656-HOPE and they are a 24/7 hotline that will connect you to the nearest rape crisis center hotline. Your local rape crisis center should have free counselling. But if the person you are talking with either in the phone or at the center is not helpful then either hang up and try again later or if you are at an appointment, then ask to talk with another person. Keep looking for helpful help until you feel that you have found one. Hypnosis may or may not be helpful but be very picky and listen to your intuition to make sure that the hypnotherapist is a person you can trust. Keep looking and do not give up until you find a person who can help you to heal. It is very important.
What is great and shows your health is that despite your upbringing, you are protecting your children. It is great that you will not allow your children to be alone with your father but I would consider taking it a step further. To help you to heal, it would be helpful to you and your inner child to not be around your dad at all. It is also probably best that your children are not around him either. He believes that raping children is ok and that is not a healthy person to be around. When you are around your dad, you are re-victimizing yourself and your inner child. Being around your dad can also help keep up the illusion that you and not your dad is crazy. He lost his right to be around you and have contact with you and your children, when he did all of those horrible things to you. And if he does not think it hurts children to have sex with them, there is no way he did not rape you as a child. That is what pedophiles do.
When you talk about still having pain after forgiving your mom, I think of this quote from a person who works with abuse survivors, “Healing may result in forgiveness but forgiveness does not bring healing, it only covers over the wounds allowing them to fester.” It’s really about your healing and then the pain will slowly go away. When your mother asked you to forgive her, that forgiveness was what she wanted from you, when it was really her job to ask you, what you needed from her to help you to heal. There is a huge illusion that forgiving leads to healing but as you have seen yourself, there still is a ton of pain because forgiveness is perpetrator and perpetrator’s enabler focused and not survivor focused. It is time to nurture yourself and help yourself to heal. It is not selfish at all because as you heal, you get to truly live a better and better life and become a better and better mom. (Though it sounds like your doing a great job as a mom now.)
Your dad sounds like he probably has multiple personalities. There are the personalities that are kind to homeless and the ones that are not at all kind. But you need to know that a person who can validate that it is ok to rape children is a full fledged pedophile. What he said about raping children being a good thing shows that he has chosen to be a pedophile, so even though he can seem kind, a person whose basis for their life is that it is good to rape children is not a good person. There is an interview with some of the perpetrators who started the horrific “False Memory Syndrome Foundation” and they sound a lot like your dad. These people helped to create the myth that children develop false memories about being raped as children and then went out and sued a ton of excellent therapists who were helping survivors to heal from child sexual abuse (I believe they sued the therapists because they wanted to be able to get away with raping children).
I truly believe that you can heal and have a great life but you need to continue to take action. It shows a ton of strength that you are remembering the abuse, wrote your story, trying to protect your kids and reaching out for help. So start making those phone calls to get an excellent therapist and read that post take some time away from your dad and you will be on your way to healing.
Please feel free to write an update or with any questions.
HI,
I am 20 years old. When I was about 9 my parents had these friends, who were my godmother and godfather and we would always go and visit them at their house. They had three boys. The youngest and oldest I got on fine with, didn’t particularly like them but we got on fine. The middle boy, who was fifteen, however always made me uncomfortable. Not long after, he began to molest me and I was always terrified to go to their house. I can recall a time when I was literally running away from him on the beach to get back to my father. It got to the point where I eventually told my mother and she made me go with her to their house and confronted his mother. His mother made him come into the room and asked him if he did it to me but he said no, he didn’t even look at her mind you, and so she called me a liar and that I was making it up. My mother and father went to the police after that and I had to do an interview with a lady and tell her about the incidents. After that nothing happened. He got away with it and we didn’t speak to my godmother and godfather ever again but unfortunately my parents never spoke to me about what happened or got professional help for me. Even now it’s like it never happened. No one talks about it.
I find that in my life as a young adult I am quite distant socially and I find it hard to build and hold onto meaningful relationship. I am prone also to avoiding stressful situations or social situations. I also am insecure when in social situations, often staying quiet because I fear I am going to be put down or berated for speaking out.
I really want to get past this because it is holding me back so much. If you can help me in any way it will be much appreciated.
Hi Kayla,
I will write a longer response soon. But for now know that you can heal, if you take action, no matter how you were victimized, you can still heal and have a great life. You might want to try calling ‘1800 RESPECT’ (1800 737 732) a 24/7 hotline in Australia and talk, it should be confidential and they may have resources in your area that is free for survivors of sexual assault. Always remember when you are reaching out, if the person on the phone or counsellor you are meeting with does not feel helpful, you can walk away or hang up and try the call later or interview another counsellor. Always listen to your intuition when reaching out.
Hi Kayla,
It is great and shows your strength that although no one in your family is talking about it, you are. I am also glad that your parents stopped having contact with the abuser. It sounds like you know that it could help you to heal to get good counselling, and that is true. The important thing is to make sure that you are working with a counsellor who is healthy and has the tools that you need to help you to heal. I also believe that healing does not have to take a lifetime. When looking for help, always listen to your intuition to see is the person that you are considering working with would be good for you to work with. Check in with yourself and if that person makes you feel comfortable or weary. Unfortunately there are a ton of awful therapists out there and working with a bad therapist can make things worse. But your intuition will tell you who seems right. Once you heal, it will be easier to build and hold on to meaningful relationships. When you heal, you will also feel more secure, so that situations do not need to be as stressful. Frequently situations can be more stressful because of what we tell ourselves about the situation. We can think ahead about all of the possible bad outcomes that could happen and that can cause stress. When you are healing, you won’t care as much about what others think of you, so it will be easier to speak up.
Also, do your parents not talk about it because they are scared it will bring up bad memories or did they say not to talk about it? I don’t know the answer but it could be that your parents are not bringing it up, because they are scared it will bring up bad memories for you. Have they told you not to talk about it (or given you stern looks when you talk about it)? If not, you may want to tell them that you need to talk about it. If they say things like we need to keep the past in the past, then that is not supportive but they may also want to listen and support your healing.
Remember, you can get past this, if you have not already try calling ‘1800 RESPECT’ (1800 737 732) a 24/7 hotline in Australia and see if they are helpful, if not start to look for a great counsellor elsewhere.
Please feel free to write any questions or updates. Writing updates when you can see the growth and healing that you have done inspires other survivors.
I am a sexual abuse survivor, doing generally well, but a recent event has me feeling very troubled & I am not sure what to do…
When I was 5, my mother remarried, and I gained two step-brothers in the process. My oldest brother was six years my senior, while the other was the same age as me. We got along much like I imagine blood-siblings would – lots of fun & plenty of fights, too. My younger brother was my perfectly-matched partner and/or competitor in all of our activities, from sports to video games to outdoor adventures – and we sure had a lot of them! My older brother looked out for me, and kept me out of trouble many times.
From the outside looking in, we were the perfect blended family. But my step-father sexually abused me, periodically, over the course of several years. It was something I took great care to hide from everyone, with the exception of one close friend.
When I was 16, my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was my rock, the one who kept everything together, for everyone in the family. The cancer had already spread, and the doctors gave her six weeks. She fought hard, and survived for just over a year. It was especially hard for me, as I could not reconcile the man who worked so to hard to love & care for her, with the man who could have done such horrible things to me…
Within months of her death, I moved away. In nearly 25 years, I have only seen my step-father a handful of times – and always only as tolerated in a group setting where I cared about seeing the others. He, of course, always acts like nothing ever happened, and in short doses I can do the same.
Since my step-brothers primarily lived with their mother, and hour away, I have only seen them twice. Their lives have been full of challenges, from substance abuse to petty crime. I feel so badly for them. My mother was their rock, too. And while I was lucky enough to get out and find a new connection to a long-absent biological father & family, they were just left there. Last night, my younger brother called to tell me that my older brother had passed away. I feel SO bad that I wasn’t there for them, ever. I know that I had to get away, in order to survive, but I still feel profound “survivor’s guilt” at having left them behind.
I want so desperately to tell my remaining brother that I never meant to bail on them, and that I’m sorry I wasn’t there. But how do I tell him that, without telling him it was his father I had to escape from? How do you say that to someone? He is now left with only his mother and father, as far as family goes. How can I tell him that about his father? I don’t want to hurt him in any way. We are both victims of a broken human being, but I do not know how well he would understand that. And I am so far away, its not like I could be there in person to help him navigate the enevitable fallout.
Talking to him on the phone, it makes me smile and brings back so many wonderful memories. We can laugh, and share stories. But I also feel a lot of regret, and a little uncomfortable, because its still a partial connection to my abuser as well…
I plan to try building a stronger & more frequent connection to him. Do I tell him, ever? If so, how?
It is not your secret to keep, it is the perpetrator’s secret. He tried to make you think that it was your shame and your secret but all of that shame belongs to your step-father. I will write more in the next few days.
Hi Barbara,
A truly loving step-father would never have sexually assaulted his step-child. It never was your job to hide the abuse, your step-father put his burden of abusing a child on you, I am sorry that he did not turn himself in, that your mother never picked up on you being assaulted. Realize how hard your step-father made you do his work. He forced you to keep his secret, he forced you to hold his shame. He ran around looking like a great guy, while you ran around trying to keep his secret, that is neither fair nor ok. It is also possible that your step-father may have sexually assaulted your step-brothers, pedophiles frequently abuse both genders. I have hear the statistic that around 80% of all alcoholics and drug abusers were sexually assaulted as children, so that could possibly be the reason for their substance abuse.
It is your step-father’s fault that he was not there for your brother and that you were not there for your brother, not your fault. You needed to take care of yourself because your step-father who was suppose to take care of you was not taking care of you. You also may want to consider not ever being around your step-father ever again. It is hard for your inner child who was abused to be around the perpetrator who abused her, although if you ever want to confront him that would be fine for your inner child. Though if you ever do confront your step-father do not expect him to be kind to you or even admit that he abused you.
I would tell your brother that it was their father who abused you, you need to stop protecting your step-father from the consequences of his sexual assaults. Most pedophiles do not stop assaulting children, so by telling the whole truth you may be preventing other children from being sexually assaulted by him. Telling the truth does not hurt anyone other than the perpetrator.
If you do choose to stop keeping your step-father’s secret and tell the whole truth about the fact that he assaulted you, you will find out who is really supportive of you and who is supportive of pedophiles. This may not be easy. It may turn out that your brother, is horrified by what his dad did to you and supports you or it may turn out that he supports his dad, even though his dad sexually assaulted a five year old little girl. Look at a five year old little girl, they are so tiny, what sick human being is sexually attracted to a child?
If your brother supports you, then you will know that he truly is there for you, but if instead he tells you to forgive and forget or your crazy to think his dad would do that or makes some excuse for his dad assaulting you, then your brother is not a kind person who cares about children or people. If he supports his dad over you then cannot really be a friend to you, because he is not a caring human being. But you may find out that he is also struggling with healing from sexual assault or that he already knew what happened but did not want to bring it up or many other things. When you stop keeping your step-dad’s secret, you will get to know who are caring people and who are not caring people.
You can also try calling 800-656-HOPE which should connect you to your local rape crisis center, and if you get a helpful advocate they may be able to help you to come up with a plan to tell your step-brother. Keep in mind, that not all advocates may be helpful, so if you get an advocate who is not helpful, hang up and call again later (the advocates change shifts) or try calling any hotline at centers.rainn.org Keep trying until you get a person who helps you in a way that you want to be helped. Your local rape crisis center should also have free counselling which could be helpful in aiding you to release some stuck emotions from the abuse and other things that you have held onto because of the abuse. When looking for help always listen to your intuition and if the therapist, social worker, etc, is not helping you how you need to be helped, find another one.
Once you stop keeping your step-father’s secret and allow yourself to heal more from the abuse, you may find that you have a ton more energy and slowly you may realize that you are happier more often.
Please write back with any questions, comments or updates.
I am a male survivor of maternal torture and incest. Over sixty, formal single parent of a mastered educated daughter. Two wonderful grand daughters. To this day I am unable to like myself. Enjoyment of life is something that escapes me. Lots of therapy and treatment. Any suggestions?
Hi Doug,
I am sorry to hear that happened to you and it is great that despite your abuse, it sounds like you have been a great dad and grandfather. What therapies and treatments have you tried?
I think a huge part of successful therapy relies on having a great therapist with tools that are actually helpful to you. People can try tons of therapy and have no luck because unfortunately there are a ton of bad and even some emotionally ill therapists. Have you been a part of any men’s groups? If you do, it is important to join a group where the members have had some success with healing. Have you tried http://www.malesurvivor.org/, I have not been to their conference but it the youtube clip that I saw looked hopeful. Have you read Joseph’s story of healing from abuse at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/success-stories/a-success-story-in-healing-from-abuseby-joseph/
Did you read my post “What to do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ and “Surviving Mother’s Day and the Holidays” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/ Both posts have a bunch of ideas and tools that can help with healing.
Have you tried the 800-656-HOPE hotline that will connect you with your local rape crisis center? That center should have free therapy for survivors of sexual assault. But not every center has the therapy that every survivor needs.
Sometimes yoga has helped survivors release some of the awful emotions that are stuck in the body. The book “Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron, really helped me to start my healing process.
Please write back with what you have tried that has and has not been helpful and I can give more specific suggestions.
Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate reply. I am currently exploring a relationship with my inner child. I need to learn how to like myself. How not to be so hard on myself. If I can be more intimate myself perhaps I can learn to be more intimate with others. I read your blog and can see you’ve been on this journey for a awhile and healed many of your wounds. How to develop intimacy ? Any leads ?
The book “Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron has a bunch of ways to be kinder to yourself and your inner child. Also working with a great therapist who can help you to heal your inner child. It can be hard finding an excellent therapist for you because they are hard to find but worth it. And looking into malesurvivor.org and talk with other survivors who have had successes.
And what exactly have you tried that has been helpful and not helpful?
Hallo everyone
I am a 29yr old female.
I am married and I have a 5 year old daughter.
I have this question and I would like to know if anyone could assist me with some advise or actual insight.
At the age of 10 years..I was molested on a daily basis for the duration of almost a year by a man who worked for my parents, who lived in a granny flat in our yard.
Eversince the truth came out, my mom has resented me and have never taken me for counselling. We are four children and she totally treats me different in every way. Even my friends and my husband have seen it.
The sexual abuse along with her resentment throughout the years and still, has left a scar on me which I do not know how to cope with and it seems the older I get, the harder things are getting for me to work through.
Can anyone shed some light on this for me?
Thank you kindly
Regards
Jolana
Hi Jolana,
I am sorry to hear that that happened to you, that is not ok. The way that your mother is acting is extremely inappropriate. She is supporting a pedophile and that is scary. Her resenting you for being sexually assaulted shows that she is a sick women. I would make absolutely sure to never leave your child alone with her, if she had no interest in protecting you as a child, she will not protect her granddaughter either. She is supporting a man who raped her own daughter, that is wrong and makes me suspicious of her, she is at the very least pro-pedophile and possibly an abuser herself. Women do sexually assault children and adults. Our societies do not want to discuss this because we want to believe that women are only nurturing but that is simply not true, they can be abusers. You may want to distance yourself from her as well. She is not a supporting and loving mother. You deserve to have your mother treat you by being loving to you, and respectful. Since she cannot be respectful and loving to you, it is best to not be around her.
She lost her right to see you when she did not protect you as a child and is mean to you as an adult. Your daughter is better off not being around a grandmother who support pedophiles over her own children.
By not spending time around your mother, it will give your inner child who was abused, space to heal. The next thing to do is to find a great therapist who can help you to heal from the abuse.
In Cape Town, I found this link http://rapecrisis.org.za/services/counselling/ (There are numbers to contact them at the bottom of the page). They should specialize in rape crisis counselling which is geared toward survivors of childhood and adult sexual assault and all of their services are free.. If they are not helpful or you cannot get a great therapist there to help you heal from the abuse and not having a loving mom, then I would keep looking at therapists in your country until you find one who is supportive of you. Do not give up until you get the help you need. A great therapist should support you and not make excuses for your mother. They should also be able to help you to release and detox the memories and the emotions that are stuck inside from the abuse and you should feel comfortable and feel like they have your best interests in mind.
You can heal from the abuse and having an unhealthy mother and have a great life if you take action to heal. Please feel free to post any questions, problems and/or successes.
My family resents me too my dad molested me when I was 11 on numerous occasions. My siblings said it was my fault! I was made to live with him after the truth came out. It has affected my life in every way. I think my mom resents me for my dad cheating on her with me which is sick, why me?! My dad has also never been charged and has a perfect record not one spot! I have accepted that they will never change and lean on friends and my husband for love and support. I have also channeled my energy to get my bachelors in social services to help incest and rape victims. Today though I was triggered by my brothers small son opening gifts from my dad. It reminded me of him giving me a diamond necklace.
It was a pic on Facebook of my nephew opening my dads gifts
Hi Nydia,
You sound really strong, like you’ve done a ton of healing. It’s awesome that you are going to help other survivors. Shame on your mother for being jealous rather than choosing to protect her child, she sounds like a very sick lady along with your very sick dad. Your siblings sound quite sick as well. Based on my own experiences, I was also given gifts after I was assaulted, so you are not alone.
Is there anything that you can do to make sure that your nephew is not being assaulted by your father or others? Frequently pedophiles assault children of both sexes. My concern is that since your siblings are supporting a pedophile, none of their children are safe from your dad’s or other people’s assaults. When people become pro-pedophile, they are either enabling a pedophile or could possibly also be a pedophile or both.
As you may know, you can always call a hotline if you ever feel triggered. That’s one of the things that the good hotlines are there for. If you know people who work at your local hotline instead of calling 800-656-HOPE, which will most likely connect you to your local hotline, go to centers.rainn.org and try calling other hotlines. You may not want to disclose that you are not in the area because then they may or may not want to help you. And always make sure that the you are getting the help you need, if the advocate is not helping you how you need to be helped, hang up and try again later (volunteers switch shifts) or try another hotline. In order to help others, you must always make sure that you are taking care of yourself first.
It is good to see your strength. I am glad that you are working to help other survivors and help to end this terrible epidemic of sexual assault.
good reading some of this brings back very bad and painful memories what happened to me turned me into a very hateful person into a dark person always thinking a bout where is the justice in this?? and what would scare the hell out me the most is the idea what if i do the same.
Hi Lujain,
It may be time to work and allow yourself to detox from the memories and emotions that got stuck inside when you were abused. My post “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ may help.
It is terrible that many perpetrators are not held accountable for their atrocious acts. And unfortunately, Saudi Arabia has an even worse record when it comes to prosecuting rapists. Hopefully that will change and rapist everywhere will be prosecuted and if possible helped to heal but many do not want yo heal.
When you release the trauma and stuck emotions from the abuse, you can reclaim the loving person and kind person that I believe we all innately are. Much of the hate and darkness could be emotions that are stuck inside from the abuse. Everyone can heal if they want to detox from the past and live a great life in the future. If they want to be a kind person. It sounds like that could be why you wrote this comment, because of a yearning to heal and live a great life.
When I googled Saudi Arabis Rape Crisis 8001245005 came up as a domestic violence hotline. Because it is an 800, I could not check to see if it still works but feel free to try and see if they can help you but it could also be a number that no longer works in Saudi Arabia. You may have to call a number in the United States to get some support for healing from sexual assault. You can look up numbers at centers.rainn.org or you can also try the online hotline at https://ohl.rainn.org/online/ You may also be able to find a great therapist in Saudi Arabia who can help you to heal.
I am not very familiar with the culture in Saudi Arabia so I have no idea how hard it would be to get a therapist who is helpful there. When researching rape and Saudi Arabia, there is a huge amount of rapes there in comparison to other countries, which is horrible. But there still should be people with compassion who can help you to heal. When reaching out for help, always listen to your intuition and see if the person that you are looking for help from is kind and has the tools to help you to heal. If not, if it is a US hotline, just hang up and try calling later and if it is in Saudi Arabia, keep looking for a therapist who is kind with tools that can help you.
Many survivors have fears that they will do the same as their perpetrators, but if you are an adult and have not abused anyone that you could have, chances are you will not start to abuse. Memories of abuse can come up in different ways, including having thoughts about abusing others, but since you have not abused others, it is most likely a memory of abuse and not something you want to do, and memories can be detoxed as you heal from the abuse.
You can heal and have a great life, so long as you take action to heal. Feel free to write back with any questions, updates and/or successes.
I’m twenty-one years old. I was aged ten when there was sexual abuse present by my dad, there were no more than four ‘incidents’ that I can remember over two years and they were only when he came home drunk..
I then moved in with my partner at aged nineteen who was understanding about the situation. …(edited by blogger) Recently due to the flat going through a sale, I’ve had to move back in with my dad. Although I don’t hate him, it’s hard living in the house! He probably doesn’t even remember any of the incidents and I could never talk to him about it. I’m living like a zombie showing no emotion.
It also worries me that I have a little half-sister aged 3. I’ve never thought of her being in any risk. But seeing him with her makes me cautious, always looking out for little signs that he’d do the same again. I’m probably being too paranoid. I really don’t want to be living here, but my partner see’s it as a necessity for our relationship. Should I leave? It feels wrong being here.
Hi A,
I am so sorry to hear that that happened to you. That should never happen to any child, ever. Being drunk is no excuse to assault a child (or adult).
It is not ok that your partner wants you to live with a person who assaulted you. Your partner is being neither loving or caring in wanting you to live with your dad. It also sounds very selfish of them to say that living with your dad who assaulted you is necessary for your relationship, how horrible. You should definitely leave that house where your dad is ASAP, it is a kind and caring thing that you need to do for yourself and your inner child. It is abusive to yourself to stay. When you say it feels wrong being here, you are right. How could it feel good to be around a person who assaulted you?
Since pedophiles rarely stop abusing children unless they actively want to stop and get help (which rarely ever happens with adult pedophiles) it is very concerning that he has access to sexually assault your 3 year old half sister.
If you feel that you need support in leaving your house and/or getting help to heal from the abuse you can try calling 0808 802 99 99 between 12noon-2.30pm & 7pm-9.30pm, they may be able to help you figure out a good plan to leave your house and to heal from the abuse. Also if you go to their website http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php, you can locate the rape crisis centre nearest to you. They may also be able to assist you to get a temporary place to stay if you don’t have another option. (I would consider that living with your unsupportive partner is not a healthy option). There could be a domestic violence shelter, safe house, etc that you can stay at or there may even be a voucher program for a hotel (hopefully not a scary hotel) or you there may even be special housing that you can get if your finances prevent you from getting another place. But if the person on the phone is not helpful hang up and try again later or call back and see if a helpful person is working. You can also try calling the different centres located near you until you get the help you need. They should also be able to provide free counselling to help you to heal from the abuse, so that in the future you can have healthy relationships and not put yourself in a situation to be around your dad. And have a funner life in general.
I support your intuition in leaving your dad’s house, your instincts about the situation were right on, don’t let someone else talk you out of your intuition again or try not to (It can be a learning process). I think as you take action to get out of the house and heal, your life will get so much better. Feel free to write back with any questions, concerns and/or successes.
I was molested when I was younger by my step-father. I told my mother about 2 of the 3 incidences and a stop was put to his behavior. However, we never speak about it. After 15 years of marriage, my mother recently filed for legal separation. Now that I no longer have to see my step-father when I visit home, I’ve been starting to think more and more about what happened and I feel that it is affecting my relationships with guys. While I have fulfilling friendships with guys, I’ve never been in a relationship despite being 21 years old. I dated a guy about a year ago for 2-3 months and I was so nervous and unsure about doing anything physical.
I recently learned that my university offers 8 free sessions of counseling, and I feel like it is a great opportunity to take advantage of, but I’m really scared to go. I was first molested when I was 4, so it has been a lifelong memory for me, and I really want to work past this so I can improve myself and be in a better place when I am in a romantic relationship in the future. I know this is something productive, but I just feel reluctant and nervous to go. I can’t turn to my friends or family for motivation or support to make a counseling appointment, so I’m glad I found this site. It makes me feel less alone.
Hi Jenna,
Counselling can definitely help, if its helpful counselling. What I mean by that is some counsellors have the tools to help survivors to heal from past traumatic events and others can be mediocre or even bad counsellors. Bad counsellors, therapists, etc are people who may have gone into the counselling profession for the wrong reason (possibly they have issues that they need to heal but instead of healing themselves they decided to “help” others to make themselves feel perfect, etc). So always listen to your intuition when you go for help. You may or may not need more than eight sessions depending on the severity of the abuse. I can be a great start if the counsellor is helpful and has the tools to help you to heal. And I concur with other experts that anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and herbs such as St. John’s Wort are not helpful in healing, so don’t let them sell you on the chemical imbalance thing, if you do start those drugs, healing can become a lifelong process until you get off of them and find a therapist with real tools to help you to heal and detox from the abuse. Drugs and herbs simple push down the issues that you need to deal with.
That is a tragedy that your mother did not immediately divorce your step-father when she found out about the abuse. That is what should have happened along with either him voluntarily wanting to get help and/or criminal charges being pressed against him. You should never have had to see your step-father ever again once the abuse was discovered.
You can have a healthy loving relationship once you heal from the past. You can also have a great life and be the person that you want to be. If you can, I would request to talk with the person that you are going to work with and see if they feel like they are a person that you want to work with.
Are you sure that none of your friends or family would support you in going to therapy or is it just a fear. You can tell a ton about who your real friends are and who in your family is truly supportive when you talk with them about this issue. But only talk with people who you think will support you and remember to support yourself no matter what their response is, even if it is a disappointment. After attending good counselling who you feel that you can talk with about the abuse should become clearer to you.
Another option if school counselling does not work well for you or if you still need more help after the 8 sessions, is you can call 800-656-HOPE and that should connect you to the local rape crisis center hotline 24/7. They can be a resource if you feel triggered or need help. They also should have free counselling for survivors of sexual assault. If for any reason they are not helpful hang up, try again later and you should get another volunteer on the hotline. If they continue to not be helpful, you can look for other rape crisis centers in your area at centers.rainn.org Keep reaching out until you get the help you need. Rape crisis hotlines and centers should help victims even if it happened a while ago. If you are getting counselling that is not in your direct area, you may want to not mention that you are out of the area to the center.
So keep reaching out, it took courage to write your story here and you can use that courage to get the help you need to heal from the abuse. Feel free to write back with any questions, concerns and/or successes.
Hi. Thank you for having this website. I just found out that my dad molested my younger sister when she was small (age 3 to 8). She is in her 30s now and while going to therapy related to having several strokes everything came back and it explains her many health issues including frequent bladder infections, inability to control her bladder causing wetting throughout the day (highly embarrassing for this sweet girl).
When she told me, I told her “you are not alone” and I think he also did this to me. I have had a faint memory for years about being in a specific room and having a hand come into the sheet to touch me but I can never see the face of who it was. I have worked really hard at trying to have a relationship with my dad as there is only one other person of us 7 kiddos who will have anything to do with him. I don’t want to be someone who cant forgive. I want to be loving. But its really hard dealing with him as I just don’t really want to. I struggle feeling like if I don’t have a relationship with him then I’m not being a good daughter and example of love. Theres a guilt I feel when I don’t call him (he’s out of state) but I don’t really want to.
I have never came to terms with this happening to me because its just so awful to think about and I’m afraid to deal with it. But I’m realizing I am dealing with it but in ways that are harmful to me. I’m in my 40’s and I’ve been using alcohol more and more to forget things and stop feeling. Since my sister told me what happened all the feelings and emotions are stronger. I’ve been asked throughout periods in my life if I was molested and I just had to say “I don’t know”. Is it possible to not “know”? I have heard that there are cases where the allegations were made up, so I just deny anything that I feel about it and I really don’t want to be damaged in this way. I have finally told my husband that I don’t even like my dad and yet I feel like a bad person for feeling that way. Can you give me any guidance?
Hi Stefanie,
It would be pretty rare if your dad only molested your sister and not you and possibly even your male siblings. Pedophiles rarely stop molesting children that they have access to unless they want to stop and get help, this does not sound like your dad from what you wrote. Usually when people have faint memories of abuse, evidence and memories grow to support that the abuse did happen. Your sister’s symptoms could be tied to the assaults.
It is not your job or your responsibility to have a relationship with your dad, your other siblings are most likely taking care of themselves by cutting ties with your dad, it may be time for you to do that as well. It was your’s dad’s responsibility to be a great dad and not molest any of his children, after he failed at that, you have no responsibility to be a “good daughter” and continue to have a relationship with your dad. I really think that your sister would most likely feel much more supported if you ended your relationship with your dad. As a responsibility to yourself, it is healthy to learn to be the dad for yourself that you never had. And a good dad would want you to take care of yourself and not have people in your life who are not healthy such as your biological dad. When it comes to forgiveness please read my post “Do I Need to Forgive to Heal from Abuse” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/do-i-need-to-forgive-to-heal-from-abuse/ I think that may be very helpful. There is an expert who works with abuse survivors that said. “Healing may result in forgiveness but forgiveness does not bring healing, it only covers over the wounds allowing them to fester.”
Yes, many survivors have forgotten their memories of abuse, it can be a way that our bodies deal with the trauma of abuse. When it comes to making up memories about abuse, it is important to look at where that concept comes from. There is a group, the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, that was started by two pro-pedophiles who were approached by two parents, where the father, was accused of sexual assault, but their myth of false traumatic memory syndrome has repeatedly been disproven. Plus the founding of their foundation is pretty fishy. You can see an interview of the pro-pedophiles who helped the accused parents to found the False Memory Syndrome Foundation at http://nostatusquo.com/ACLU/NudistHallofShame/Underwager2.html Also some of the studies used to disprove traumatic memories, use subjects subjected to everyday memories as opposed to traumatic memories and it has been repeatedly proven that traumatic memories are stored differently in the brain than non-traumatic memories. The other huge tragedy that came from the False Memory Syndrome Foundation is that this group, started by pro-pedophiles, went around the country suing great therapists who were helping survivors and put these people out of business, so that there are now less great therapists who can help survivors of abuse to remember and heal. Also they helped to make people like you and less educated therapists (and there are tons of therapists who have now been miseducated to believe in False Memory Syndrome) to believe in the myth which allows more pedophiles to get away with molesting children and never get caught.
You are NOT damaged just because you were molested, the person who is damaged is your dad because he has molested people. You, however, will need to take some time to heal and to allow the emotions and memories that got stuck inside to detox from your body. I wrote a post “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” that might help you to start this process at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/
It would also be very helpful to find a person who can work with you on releasing and detoxing from the abuse. You can try calling 800-656-HOPE 24/7 and you will be connected to the local rape crisis center hotline, there you can talk with an advocate, if the advocate is not helpful, hang up and try again later. (They change shifts.) The rape crisis center should also have free counselling for people like you. Make sure that you only work with a person who is educated enough to understand the myth of False Memories and also a person who you feel has the tools to help you to heal. If the rape crisis center and/or hotline in your area is not helpful, go to centers.rainn.org and look for another one that might be pretty close to where you are. You can also work with a great therapist or social worker who may be able to help you also. When looking for a therapists, always listen to your intuition.
As you heal your urge to use alcohol to forget things and stop feeling should go away but at first it may get stronger because you may not want to feel what is coming up. But remember, when you feel your feelings and allow them to be released, you are detoxing your body from the trauma and allowing it to heal. A huge percentage of alcoholics were sexually assaulted as children. Here is one study http://health.usnews.com/health-news/news/articles/2012/03/15/many-alcoholics-suffered-childhood-trauma-study but what the study does not take into account is the amount of people who repressed the memories because it was before they went into rehab and yet it still shows a strong link to child sexual assault and becoming an alcoholic.
I truly believe that you can heal, but you need to believe yourself and be willing to feel and remember, Please feel free to write back any questions, successes and/or struggles.
Hi Stefanie
It makes me very sad to think you and your sister were sexually molested by your father. I know how damaging it can be when someone you are supposed to trust as a small child does something that hurts you in such a profound way. I was also sexually abused by my father at a young age and after it happened again and again over a period of time I just learned to “disappear” when it was happening…I was able to separate what was happening to my body from me, my center, Joseph. Now I am learning to “reconnect” myself …it can be a long process, but with it you can regain trust..one of the big parts that was damaged so greatly in your abuse.
I am not an expert on sexual abuse of children, but I have read quite a number of books and your desire to want to still be a good daughter even after the abuse is not uncommon ( I know I had the same feelings as you )..many abused kids feel they must have deserved it that they maybe did something wrong to get the parent they still love so hurtful to them…”maybe if I’m really good he won’t hurt me again”… remember, you were just a small child in an out of your control situation and you did nothing wrong, you were the innocent one…that’s something you need to “know” in your heart…you were just a little girl …
the abuse is not something you “made up”, the strength of your emotions tell you the memories that you know to be true…I am in therapy with a good person and yet there are still times I don’t want to believe I am damaged in such a way ( times of denial of the abuse and its emotional aftermath are part of the healing process..it is still hard for me to believe that my dad could have been such an awful, hurtful person )
please be good to yourself, Stefanie, you deserve it, believe me there are many people “on your side”…you may not know all their names, but they care for you, know your sadness and confusion and so much want you to heal… a good therapist could be very helpful or simply talking to one of the help lines ( such as RAINN .com ) that Amy often mentions in her kind responses to the people who write her site….
again, you take care of yourself, please.
Joseph
I don’t even know where to begin Within the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about everything a lot. When I was younger I remember my father sexually assaulting me several times. I don’t remember a lot of the only little glimpses. I think I told my mom and she instantly started figuring out ways to get him put in jail. I was very young I’d say oldest at 5 years old. I remember having to go to court and testify. They had me set up in the chair And we would role play what would happen during the court hearing. There was a spot in the corner of the courtroom where I knew he would be set at. They were trying to make me face a certain way that way I couldn’t see him in the courtroom. After that I just cried I couldn’t stop crying and didn’t know what to say. My mom said we weren’t coming back so we never ended up following through with the hearing. He did get put in jail but I don’t know if it was because of that. I haven’t heard from him since I was little and I have no intentions on trying to find him any time in my life. He gave me such horrible fears of letting any guy into my life. I’ve never really had a father figure. But I’ve always had a boyfriend growing up Maybe it’s just that need of attention from a guy figure. I don’t talk about it with my mom and my friends or anybody else they don’t know details I’ve never said that aloud. I can’t it’s like my mouth would be dirty I can’t say it’s hard to explain. I read some of the other stories before I post about mine. I wonder if I should maybe go and see a psychiatrist now. I have terrible trust in everybody that I now. And I have a terrible relationship with my boyfriend and my mother. I also have no sex drive and I believe this is because of my father.
All through my childhood and recently in my life I’ve had terrible horrifying dreams waking up screaming waking up crying and I know that it’s him that I’m running from in every single dream that I have. I’m 20 years old now And it seems like now it’s the hardest time I’ve ever had with it I keep thinking about it over and over. I also wish I could figure out where he was honestly just because I’m still scared he might try to contact with me or find me after all I am over 18 and he legally can try to contact me. I guess I’m just looking for answers that I don’t even have questions for.
Hi Kailee,
I am so glad that your mother tried to protect you and believed you after the abuse and am so sorry that the abuse ever happened to you. Every child deserves to be protected from perpetrators so that they can have a childhood. The horrible fears of letting a guy into your life should heal as you heal. It is fine to speak about the abuse because the shame and filth belong to your dad who abused you and not to you. It is time to stop blaming yourself for the abuse it was your dad’s fault, he is the one who is dirty. By not talking about it you are also keeping his secret. As you heal your relationships should get better, it takes time to heal but it does not have to be a lifelong process, if you find a good therapist. A good therapist should make you feel empowered and help you to heal.
It could be helpful to get a therapist who has tools to help you to heal from sexual assault. I would not see a psychiatrist because frequently all they do is prescribe drugs and I do not believe that either drugs or herbs like St. John’s Wort are helpful for healing from abuse but if you call the 800-656-HOPE hotline, it should connect you with the rape crisis hotline in your area and they should have free counselling with people who specialize in helping survivors of abuse. The hotline is also 24/7 so if you are ever feeling triggered by the abuse you can always call it. That being said, if the person on the hotline is not helpful, hang up and try again later (volunteers change shifts) and if you keep not getting help from that hotline try going to centers.rainn.org and call another hotline. You can also look for therapists who specialize in helping survivors to heal from abuse. But always work with a person you feel comfortable with and has tools that can help you to heal. Most good therapists do a free consultation so that you can see if they are the right person for you to work with. Any person you work with, should have tools to help you to heal, not just to live with the abuse symptoms forever because you can heal from the abuse and live a great life.
Nightmares are sometimes how the body processes trauma. You need to remind yourself that you are no longer that small helpless girl, you are an adult now who is much bigger in size than you were when your dad abused you. You may want to take a self defence class to make you feel more empowered and so that you know that you can now protect yourself from your dad. When your dad abused you, he was probably at least 3 times bigger than you, that is no longer true. Shame on him. If he tries to contact you, you can hang up on him, or even slam the door in his face or if you see him at your door, you do not need to answer it. You can always call the police, explain the situation to them if your dad is at your door and so long as you get a good police officer, they will get him to leave. You are much booger in size than you were when you were 5.
So make some calls and get the help you need, you can heal and have a great life. Feel free to write back with any questions, successes and or struggles with healing.
I have been abused for 10 years at the hands of my grandfather, he took my childhood away and started abusing me at just four years old and didn’t stop till I matured, I am haunted by him now and I don’t know if its because I’m a grandparent myself, I need this to stop, I can’t get him out of my head, Mary
Hi Mary,
I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. It sounds like you are a very different grandparent than your grandfather was to you because this bothers you and it would make a pedophile like him happy.
I would try calling the rape crisis centre in the UK at 0808 802 9999 from 12 – 2.30pm and 7 – 9.30pm. and talk with them about counselling. They specialize in working with survivors of rape and that should help to detox the memories of abuse that are ready to be heard. If the people who answer are not helpful, hang up and try again later and if the counsellors are not helpful, try and find another counsellor who specializes in helping survivors of child sexual abuse. You can heal from the abuse so that the memories are not always popping into your head. You may also want to try reading my post “What to do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ which may have tools that could help you with healing.
Always know that you can heal if you can find a great therapist, etc to work with and you are willing to do the work. It can help you to release the memories and emotions that keep popping up from the past and then you can get your life back. Feel free to write back with any questions, successes or struggles you may have.
Hi, I was sexualy abused by my stepdad from the age of about 11 to about a month ago when I told my mum and real dad what had been happening, I am now almost 17. It was really hard to do because I told my mum the first time it happened but she didn’t believe me then, since that day I have been silent about it and just put up with it. I can’t really remember much about anything but I do remember two incidents clearly. Today I suffer from anxiety. It feels strange because I feel very detached from what has happened to me and can’t even remember his face very well even though it has been only a few weeks since I last saw him. At school I constantly have to leave class, and can’t stay sat with people for more than 20 or so minutes. I’m confused about men, I don’t know how to act around any of my male teachers, not because I’m scared of them but because I feel like they should be attracted to me or me to them. It’s a very odd feeling. I don’t really know if anyone will reply but I would be grateful to know if anyone has suffered the same sort of thing and how to deal with it. Also another thing I kept quiet about the whole thing for about 4 – 5 years but know my school knows and about 6 of my friends, I really regret the fact that so many people know for them this is just gossip but for me it’s my life… Ok rant over, thanks for reading x
Hi Lily,
I am so sorry that that happened to you and glad that your wrote your story and break the silence. Shame on your mother for not believing you, that was and is wrong. It is a mother’s and father’s job to protect their children but instead your step dad who was suppose to protect you abused you and neither your mother or real dad did anything, their lack of belief and action are wrong.
Anxiety can be a symptom of being abused, it can the the emotional memory that was stuffed down and it am keep getting re-triggered in the present although it is an emotion that was originally from the past. All emotions that have been stuffed back inside from trauma want to be released and detoxed. Detaching from what happened during the abuse and forgetting faces, etc is also common, it is your body’s way of dealing with trauma. Not wanting to sit still is also common because when you were being abused being in your body was not safe, but all of this can be healed.
When a child is sexualized, they learn unhealthy messages that what they should want and the only way to get love is if a person is attracted to them or sexual with them, so your confusion about men makes sense. If the school knows, what have they done to help you? Have they pressed charges against your stepdad or reported it to your country’s child protective services (I do not know what it is called in your country). Have any of your friends been supportive to you? The friends who are supportive are your real friends, the others are not supportive and only wan to gossip are not real friends.
So how to begin to heal. I wrote a post called “What to do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ which may have tools that could help you with healing. Also finding a advocate or person who will support you in healing from the abuse would be very helpful. I am surprised that your school has not helped find you a person to work with if they know about the abuse, it is their responsibility, in many countries reporting your stepdad is the law and any organization that knows that a child has been assaulted is responsible for getting them help to heal. Assuming that you are in France you could try calling 866-USWOMEN (879-6636) it is an English speaking 24/7 hotline for survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence that you should be able to access in France, their website is http://www.866USwomen.org/Get-Help-Now.aspx and it is fine to contact them even if you are not American. If you are in the UK you can call 0808 802 9999 from 12 – 2.30pm and 7 – 9.30pm.
When reaching out for help if the person on the phone is not helpful, hang up and try again later (volunteers change shifts), if you keep not getting help from a certain hotline try going to centers.rainn.org and keep calling until you get the support you need. There should be free counselling at the rape crisis centers. Or you can look for a great therapist or counsellor but always listen to your intuition to see if the person has the tools you need to heal and are they a kind person. You do not need to work with a person who is not kind or does not have tools to help you to heal from the abuse.
Feel free to write back any questions, successes you are experiencing and/or struggles.
Thanks for answering, it feels great for someone to say that I’m not crazy for feeling like this. The school have been good and my dad too, I’m not angry at my mum for not believing me because it must be terrible for her. My stepdad has left the country and I think has gone back to Libya (where he is from), so I don’t see the point in pressing charges as it would put more strain on myself and my family and who knows where he even is now. The school are trying to set up some sort of help for me I don’t know if talking about stuff will help me sit with people and be normal but I’ll give it a go, (if the CMP – french mental help place- ever answer their phone and get back to me with an appointment time! France is slow!). Sometimes I can’t help feeling guilty because he might have done the things he did because it was his culture or something (I know you will say that he is wrong no matter what the culture!) and that I’m just making a lot of fuss over nothing… I moved to my dad’s as my mum says she’s not up to looking after my brother and me at the moment, I’m glad in a way because it was terrible staying with her in the week after I told everyone (she was either crying, drinking, or screaming at me… sometimes all three!)
Sorry for writing so randomly, I’m just putting things down as they come to me!
Dad keeps telling me to stay in class and not to miss any lessons, I really do try, I’m a very academic person (even if the spelling isn’t great – I’m kinda French now!) and he doesn’t understand that I just can’t, neither do I for that matter though… Thank you for getting back to my earlier message I really appreciate it!
Hi Lily,
The reason that you can not stay in class, can be due to your body not feeling safe staying in one place because you carry the memories of the trauma still inside. So that leaving class and moving around is how you try to stay out of your body. Until you detox the memories from the abuse, you may want to keep moving around to stay out of your body. By being abused, you were unconsciously taught that being present and inside your body is not a good place to be. Which is why a good therapist could be very helpful. It’s not just about talking about it, healing is about releasing the stuck emotions and trauma from your body.
Not all therapy is helpful, so you need to be picky about who you work with. When looking for a therapist look for a person who can help you and not one who believes that you have a chemical imbalance from the trauma, no matter how convincing they are. You do not want a person who will have you taking drugs or herbs for the trauma. Here is a list of therapists I found in France (I am an English speaker, using an American search engine, so you may do better. http://paris.angloinfo.com/af/434/paris-and-ile-de-france-counselling-and-therapists.html I would definitely skip the first person on the list the Dr. Suzanne… because there is a good chance she believes in chemical imbalance and you may wind up on drugs. I could be wrong, but it is so important that you find a person with the tools to help you to heal from the trauma and live a good life not a person who thinks you will have to heal from this your entire life. I could not find any rape crisis centers in France but there still may be some. Also, I do not know your financial situation but even if the therapists charges, they may be able to charge something your dad can afford or the French government, school, etc will pay for.
You can always try calling a rape crisis line in the United States. A whole list of agencies is at centers.rainn.org (Overall I have found that calling agencies that are NOT in the Northeast are more willing to help anyone who is not in their area but you may want to avoid answering the question “where do you live” and instead repeat the answer that “you are reaching out for help and need to talk” also avoid telling them you are 17 because then it will get problematic) But the hotlines here are 24/7 so it is an additional resource if you get triggered.
There are men and women from those cultures who are also standing up against rape, so your dad hiding behind a cultural defence is not ok. If others from his culture are standing against rape, then he too had the opportunity to do so.
I believe that you can heal and live a great life if you take action to heal. Feel free to write any questions, successes and/or struggles.
My older sister molested me for quite some time, i dont remember when it started but around the age of 5 i started to be molested by my mothers boyfriend. I don’t know how to forgive my mother for her boyfriend…but i found a way to forgive my sister…why?
Hi Shayann,
It is hard for me to respond to this question because I feel very strongly that you do not need to forgive the perpetrator to heal. You need to release the shame, guilt and pain that they put onto you when they molested you because it is theirs and not yours. I wrote an entire post called “Do I Need to Forgive To Heal” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/do-i-need-to-forgive-to-heal-from-abuse/
I believe that forcing survivors to forgive their perpetrators once again puts the focus on the perpetrator and not the survivor. An expert who works with survivors said, “Healing may result in forgiveness but forgiveness does not bring healing, it only covers over the wounds allowing them to fester.” That it is your job to forgive the perpetrator seems to come from misguided beliefs. It is your job to heal, it is your job to take care of your wounded inner child, it is your job to learn the self-care that you were not able to learn because you were being abused. That is your job, not forgiveness. So many times when you speak with people who have “forgiven” their abuser, their voices when they speak of the forgiveness sound forced and at a high non-sincere pitch. They may truly believe that they have forgiven the perpetrator, but the sound of their voice tells the truth.
The belief that you forgive the abuser and then you are healed is a lie. You need to do the work to heal your heart and take care of yourself, cutting to forgiveness will not do that. I recommend calling 800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline and looking for the counselling that you need to truly heal from all of the abuse that you suffered. The hotline should connect you with the local rape crisis center hotline and most of them offer free counselling. If the people on the hotline are not helpful hang up and try again later (different volunteers work different shifts). They also should have a list of therapists and social workers who specialize in helping survivors of abuse but still remember that just because a person is a specialist, does not mean that they are a good therapist or the right therapist for you so listen to your intuition.
I believe that you can heal and have a great life, but you need to take action to heal from the abuse rather than cutting straight to forgiveness. Feel free to write back any successes, questions or updates.
Hello I am 24 and I am pregnant with my first child. On New Years eve me and my family went to dinner. When we came home I came upstairs. My step dad hugged me and I thought nothing of it but he was being a bit weird. I know he was drinking but after ward I felt very uncomfortable so I left the room. When I came back upstairs he had on a towel and pulled it off. So I went down stairs I couldn’t say nothing just couldn’t believe the man who had been in my life for 20 years could do something like that. So I went down stairs and my mum was so tired she was knock out. i sit there and he yuck the towel saying…(edited by blogger) I told him to stop it right now. And he started apologizing. I just want to get out of here I told the guy who I am having a baby for and he had no solutions for me. I need to talk to my mum but don’t know how to say it . He acts like he did nothing.
Hi Dom,
That is awful. Shame on your step dad. Perpetrators frequently act as if they did nothing, which leaves the victim thinking they are crazy and doubting their own reality. But you are not crazy, he is. Making a pass at his stepdaughter is really sick. I hope that the guy that you are having a baby with was angry about the incident because that is the appropriate response. You can tell your mother about what he did, I think it could be important to do that, but prepare yourself for any response. The appropriate response would be for her to be extremely angry that her husband did that to a child he raised as his own. No matter what, she should be on your side. If for any reason she is not on your side, it will tell you that there may be other problems in your family than what just happened on New Year’s Eve. And neither “forgive and forget” or “he was just drunk” is appropriate.
If you would like more support in dealing with this issue or if you discover other issues (which you may or may not) try calling 1-242-328-0922 in the Bahamas. If the person you are speaking with is not helpful, hang up and try again later (different volunteers work different shifts), if you are repeatedly not getting the support you need try calling any hotline at centers.rainn.org or using the anonymous online hotline at https://ohl.rainn.org/online/
I am sorry that this happened to you, that is so inappropriate.
Anyone have any advice on what to do when you come face to face with your rapist? It has been almost 20 years since that day and I saw him for the first time today. I was too scared to to say a word about it when it happened and finally started talking and dealing with it and then I see him. He was 25 I was 13.
Hi Riasilmane,
First remind yourself that you are not a helpless victim anymore. You can say or not say whatever you want to. If you want to confront him, you can or if you want to say nothing you can do that as well. It is your choice you are now in control of your life. If you do choose to confront him, do not expect him to admit it or even be nice to you, he may even make it seem like you are crazy, but you are not crazy, he is the sick person, because he is a rapist. And if he raped you when he was in his 20s chances are he may still be a rapist any chance he gets.
If you do see him again and are triggered feel free to call the 800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline for support. If the person you are speaking with is not supportive, hang up and try again later or call another hotline from the list at centers.rainn.org
If you think you will see him again, you may want to take some time and listen to yourself and ask yourself what do you want to say to him, or do you not want to say anything to him so that you will have a plan when you see him again and will not be struck off guard. Also some states have no statute of limitations on rape of a minor, so if you live in one of those states, if you want you can press charges.
If you do see him remind yourself that you are strong and you are now in charge of your life. What a scared and horrible man who rapes children shame on him. You are so much of a better person than he is.
This is going to seem strange because I’ve kept this secret for all these years. Lately I really have the need to tell someone about it, so glad I found this site. I am 61 and the uncle that molested me is 91. This abuse took place starting when I was 13 and lasted till I was 18. It started…(edited by blogger) right after my Daddy died when I was 13. I am an only child and he and my aunt lived close by. My mother was not a very independent individual and had never held a job and was clueless about the real world since she had always depended on my Dad for everything. My aunt (her sister) was a take charge type of person, so Mom just let her take over, which included my raising.
My uncle and aunt were childless and my aunt was one of the most self centered mean spirited people you can imagine. She had no friends and didn’t want anyone else to either. My uncle was always wanting me to go places with him…(edited by blogger) He was a plumber and would leave me in the truck to read while he was on a job…(edited by blogger) He would bring me candy and gifts and tell me how he loved me…(edited by blogger) He told me my parents didn’t want me and I was an accident. All kinds of stuff to make me hate my dead father and pull me away from my mother. Always saying that all this stuff was a secret my mother wouldn’t want me to know.
When I got old enough for a boyfriend he did everything he could to chase them off, even to sneaking a class ring out of my purse once and ruining it with what was probably a pair of pliars. He was always sneaking in my room or car and going through my stuff. He flushed a promise ring a boy gave me down the toilet once. I had finally had enough and ran off and married my husband when I was 19. I lived in another state and only saw him and my aunt a couple times a yr. after that. About 12 yrs. ago he and my aunt moved close to me so I could take care of them when they got too old to care for themselves. I did not invite them and nearly croaked when they actually did it. In the meantime my mother had passed away.
Being Christian and seeing as they had no one else I tried to help. As long as my aunt lived, I never had to be alone with him. She died 2 yrs. ago, so I have had to deal with him. He lives alone, but thinks I need to check on him everyday and go fix his lunch during the week and he’s always on the phone needing something. Never has mentioned what happened in the past or done anything inappropriate. My deal is that I can’t stand the old booger and have built up such an unhealthy attitude over having to take care of him. My fondest wish is that I never had to look at him again. To say I hate him is an understatement. Don’t know how much longer I can put up with this without having a total melt down. People just think he’s a pitiful old man and I imagine they would think the worst of me if I didn’t take care of him. Any suggestions on how to get through this? Thanks
Hi Karen,
It is not your job to take care of your perpetrator because taking care of him is abusing yourself. They showed their abusive behaviour by not even asking if you would take care of them but just moving to where you were. That is wrong. Even though your aunt did not sexually assault you, by moving to where you lived to expect you to take care of them is very abusive of you. It is time to be kind to yourself, you are not being loving to you to take care of him. I bet that medicare or whatever his insurance plan is will take care of him with either in-home care or nursing home care. I am almost positive that whatever care he gets that is not you, he will call to complain but that is who he is. If he wanted to plan for his old age, it probably should have started by not assaulting you. As a Christian, you can feel free to pray for him but it is time to stop sacrificing yourself for him, you have already kept his secret for years and it was not even your secret to keep, it was his secret.
If he asks why you can feel free to tell him but if you do confront him about the abuse be ready for him to deny it, blame you, shrug it off (such as “that was a long time ago”), or give a empty or shallow apology. If he felt bad about the abuse he would have tried to make amends and get help for being a sick person a long time ago. If he is only apologizing now, it would be most likely so that you will take care of him and that is not your job. Your job is now to take care of you, that must be your number one priority.
Good for you for writing your story and no longer keeping his secret. That’s takes a lot of strength and courage. Now it is time to reach out for help and call the 800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline. It is time to release all of your uncle’s shame and his guilt that you have been carrying for him for years. It is time to nurture your inner child who was abused by her uncle who is still carrying the fear and sadness from the abuse. The hotline should connect you to the local rape crisis center hotline and they should be able to help you to release all of the stuck emotions from the abuse and heal. If they are not helpful hang up and try again later (volunteers take different shifts on the hotline), try going to centers.rainn.org and try calling another hotline that may be close to you or you can get a list of therapists or social workers who help people to heal from abuse.
You are strong, you have finally told a secret that was not even yours to keep, you can heal but it is time to put yourself first. Feel free to write back with any questions, updates and successes.
Thanks for the reply. You are the first person to ever say that it is alright to not want to be around him. I had a knee replacement 4 weeks ago and haven’t had to deal with him as much. I try not to answer the phone when I see it is him calling and since I can’t drive yet, I don’t have to go fix his lunch everyday. He came to the house yesterday and started saying that I was avoiding him and he needed somebody to come see about him everyday. He said he hadn’t had a good meal since I had surgery. He has plenty of money so it isn’t like he can’t afford to go buy food or a meal. You can’t imagine how much I can’t stand him. He is such a liar that you can listen to him 5min. and pick out at least 3 lies. Why after all these years has my resentment of him gotten so strong? Maybe because my aunt is no longer around and I have to deal with him one on one. Don’t know, but I do know that when I don’t have to be around him for a few days (since surgery), my life has been so much happier. He was trying to play the “poor old pitiful me ” card yesterday that reminded me so much of how he acted when I was a child and he was trying to molest me. I came so close to telling him that yes I was avoiding him and that I wish he would just fade away. I feel like you are right in that he would claim he never did anything wrong and I just imagined it all. I do have a creepy love note that he wrote to me when I was a child. I found it tucked under a layer in a box that had a string of my aunt’s pearls in it after she died. I know I gave it to my mother and she must have given it to my aunt and aunt decided to keep it in order to control him. At this point in my life, I resent my mother for allowing this and not sticking up for me. I guess she was just too intimidated by my aunt. Personally as a mother, I would have done anything to get rid of a sicko creep that I thought was molesting my kids when they were little. Needless to say my kids were never left alone with him when they were small. They were boys, but you never know what perverts will do. Thanks again.
Hi Karen,
You resentment probably grows because it is valid to resent him and time for you to take care of yourself. I support you in telling him that you do not want him in your life and that he is no longer welcome at your house or to call or correspond in any way with you ever again. It is time to put yourself first. He is a pedophile and a mean person. I hope that you have friends who are healthy enough to also stand behind you in saying you deserve to only have healthy people in your life and you do not need to allow any sick people like your uncle to have any contact with you. A healthy friend would support you in not having him in your life at all. If your friends are not supporting you in that way, do not worry because as you heal and stand up for yourself, you will attract those type of friends in your life.
When you tell him, he will most likely play the victim card. If he continues to harass you or does not respect your boundaries you can always get a restraining order. Remembering that by doing this you are protecting the little girl inside of you who was molested by your uncle. You do not need to subject yourself to being around a perpetrator any more. The 800-656-HOPE hotline should be able to help you make a plan to take care of yourself and not allow him in your life any more. (But as always if the person you are talking with on the hotline is not supportive of you getting away from your uncle, hang up and try again later or try the centers.rainn.org link for more hotlines) By keeping him in your life you are traumatizing your inner child who was raped by him every time you see him or talk to him.
I am glad to hear that despite of the mother you had you would stand up and protect your children, that shows your strength.
Hello, I have a question my 24 year old daughter came to me a few months ago and said she has been having dreams for a couple years of being touched and things and it happened at my older brothers house when she went to stay with his family for a month during the summer to be helped with her studying skills his wife is a teacher. She was 10 when she went and was left her decision to go or not. She went before she left she was a loving affection little girl and when she came home I noticed as soon as she got out of the car and my mom her grandma even said what’s wrong with Carrie. I talked to her thought she was mad at me for her going or just was homesick she never said anything until recently!
But before this was even known by any if this it has come out that my brother as a teenager tried having sex with 2 of my older sisters when they were teenagers! Which my daughter knew nothing about! So when my daughter told me this my heart was sick full of hate to my brother I informed my sisters and my husband has talked to my brother and we had our daughter in counselling! And she has decided she wanted to stop at this point and her counsellor said it’s her call on everything and I agree. But now my brother is getting angry and saying it’s not true and disowning anyone that defends our daughter and is making bad comments to my dad! It is killing me cause I want to put this all out there and ruin him cause he was a police officer and has moved up a corporate ladder and we could hurt him but my daughter just wants it over along with my sisters! And I have to do what my daughter wants and needs! But as her mom I can’t stand that he is talking bad about her to family members calling her names and that it’s all lies!! As a mother what do I do for her and my anger for him! Thank u so much for letting me get this out ‘
Hi Kelly,
I am so sorry to hear about this and glad to hear that your daughter has a very loving and caring mother. That s the most important thing. She may be quitting counselling for all sorts of reasons, she may not want to look at the abuse, it may not be the right counsellor, maybe she needs a super gentle counsellor or one with different skills. She may think that not dealing with the abuse will make it go away. But stuck emotions and memories from the abuse do not go away unless they are dealt with, released and detoxed from the body. These emotions and memories keep screaming to be heard and released until they are heard. A book that your daughter may or may not like is called “Artist Way” by Julia Cameron and although it does not directly address sexual assault, doing this workbook actually helped me to get my memories back about the abuse, begin to release toxic behaviours from the abuse and write my play about being a survivor of abuse. It’s a great book and it will not seem like you are trying to push healing from abuse on her because the book is about finding your inner artist.
She or you may also want to call the 800-656-HOPE 24/7 hotline which can help you to come up with other ideas on how to support your daughter in healing. The 800 number will connect you with the local rape crisis center. If the person that you are speaking with is not helpful then hang up and try again later. If you are continually talking with non-helpful people at the hotline then go to centers.rainn.org and look for another nearby crisis center. I believe they should be able to help you to be support of your daughter and help yourself to also deal with this horrible betrayal that your brother did.
It is scary to me to think that your brother is a police officer. Police are in the position of tryst by so many and it would not be beyond the realm of possibility that he can use that position to abuse other children or at the very least support other pedophiles by writing out reports on pedophiles or other sexual predators to be favorable to the sexual predator. Police have a lot of power. A person like your brother should not be a police officer because he is in the position where he can cause harm to others. Another bad sign from your brother is name calling a person he raped. That shows terrible character. Also if he lies about sexually assaulting children, what else will he lie about on the force.
You may want to bring this up to the hotline or a counsellor. From my understanding the statute of limitations in Ohio for sex with a minor is 20 years, I read it at http://rainn.org/public-policy/legal-resources/ohio/statutes-of-limitations, so you might consider bringing charges against him. Since he has done it ti three children that you know about, chances are there are a whole lot of others who he has assaulted that you do not know about. Perpetrators rarely stop perpetrating and because rather than admit the abuse, make amends and get help, he is calling your daughter a liar and calling her names chances are very great that he is still sexually assaulting other children. Society does not need or want a man like your brother to be a police officer. Shame on him.
Your first step is to call the hotline and see if they are helpful, if not try another one, if you take action you will be able to better support yourself after this terrible betrayal and support your daughter to heal. Please feel free to write back any updates about successes, struggles or questions.
My brother molested me over a several year period, I can’t even remember how old I was when it started. I certainly pushed it deep inside and recently when there was a tragedy in the family, something made me remember. I was overwhelmed, there was always something there. When I had my own kids, I never left them alone with him, I never had a real ‘fear’ of him, it just felt like an instinct not to leave them with him. I never really remembered specifics, now I do. Now I also think it shaped my horrible sexual history with men. I am married to a mentally abusive man, who although I haven’t physically ‘cheated’ on, I have cyber ‘cheated’ with men online only. It has ruined what can only be described as a one sided relationship.
My husband has replaced my father as the man I am always trying to please, being a good housekeeper, the best mom, with all straight A kids, the guilt I had for always feeling inadequate because of what happened to me. I understand it now, but I feel like it has already ruined me, and all the years I could never figure out what was wrong with me, why I made all the bad decisions I made. The icing on the cake is that when I finally got up enough courage to tell my husband, he got mad because i hadn’t told him sooner! What a kick in the face, it all goes back to him! Well thanks for letting me get this off my chest, it is certainly a relieving feeling.
Hi Jan,
It is great that you could write your story. I need a clarification, was your husband hurt that you hadn’t told him because he cares about you or was he angry at you in a rageful way?
I will write a longer response but it could take a few weeks.
My husband sounded mad, he could have been more hurt. Knowing my husband though its hard to tell, I was hurtful to me that he made it about him
Hi Jan,
It is great to see the strength that you have because despite forgetting the abuse your mom instinct kept working and you still protected your children from your brother. That shows so much strength and love. Would it be better self-care and caring for your children if you got some space from your mentally abusive husband. If he really is mentally abusive to you and possibly your children that is not healthy for you to be around. Even if he is kind to your children, if he is abusive to you, your children still pick up on that. You deserve a loving relationship but you may need to do a bit of detoxing from the past abuse in order to be healed to attract the right man for you. If you are being emotionally abused, most domestic violence shelters will still help you or if you want give you a place to go with your children (the good domestic violence shelters all recognize emotional abuse as domestic violence).
It is time to take care of you and in doing so you are also taking care of your children. Children who witness domestic violence emotional or physical are traumatized by it. So a first step may be to call a domestic violence hotline in your area and they can give you some resources to help you to deal with living with an emotionally abusive spouse.
The next step is to work on detoxing the emotions and memories from being abused. A resource to help you with that is to call the 800-656-HOPE hotline which is there to help 24/7. They should connect you to the nearest rape crisis center in your area. If the person that you are speaking with is not helpful, try calling back later, if you repeatedly get people who are not helpful to you, you can go to centers.rainn.org and see if you can find another hotline in your area that is more helpful. The rape crisis centers also should have free counselling but again, only work with people that your intuition tells you will be helpful to your healing.
It is important to allow those old stuck emotions and memories from the abuse to detox out of your body, so that you can have a great life and be with a significant other that you love and who loves you, also when you release those stuck emotions and memories, you will be able to enjoy life more and being a mom even more, so take some action more action towards healing, if you want, and I believe you can have a great life.
Feel free to write back any updates, successes or questions.