Healing from Sexual Abuse and Trauma

I would like to welcome everyone to this blog for healing from sexual abuse and trauma.  Please remember that no matter what you have been through, and no matter where you are now, you can still heal and have in incredibly wonderful life.  I too, am a survivor of sexual abuse and trauma, who at one point in my life had no specific memories of the abuse but the symptoms of my life showed signs that something was terribly wrong.  I was constantly running away from everyone, the only place that I found solace was to travel.  That way I could meet people and leave before they could get to know me too much, I was scared that to know me was to hate me.

Then finally, after so many unexplainable pieces of my memories of the abuse had come to me, that I refused to belief, the very last piece came to me.  This helped me to believe myself.  I was listening to an audio recording where other survivors spoke about their experiences being abused by their parents and at that moment, I realized that I was not crazy thinking that my father had sexually abused me because he had.  I took my father out to lunch and confronted him about the abuse.  He never directly admitted it but instead said that the household help had done things to him and he thinks that his mother did things to him as well.  (His mother, my grandmother used to kiss me in such an awful way, that at the age of six years old, I had to tell my grandma, “no kisses, only hugs”.  It was that bad.)

My father then said that he did not want to talk about it, and offered me a new car.

Since that date many other memories and incidents from my childhood began to make sense for me.  Although I had forgotten the abuse, I had never forgotten the incidents that surrounded the abuse.  Such as why I had symptoms of PTSD including the startle response, which I displayed when someone walked into a room and I was concentrating on something else, I would frequently jump, startled.  I rarely do that now.  It also answered the question why so many people in high school and college mentioned that I acted like I had been molested and why I was misdiagnosed with proctitis around the age of 9 years old.

As I have gotten my memories back and allowed my body to detox from the trauma of sexual abuse, my life has gotten so much better.  I have less drama in my life (except onstage, I am an actress) and that gives me more time to do things that I love and enjoy them.  Before I got my memories back, I may be doing something that I loved such as hiking but would be thinking of the drama in my life or problem of the day, so I was not loving what I was doing.  I get my needs met from a more grounded place rather than by being a victim (playing needy) and it feels so much more dignified and takes much less energy.  If I don’t have tons of money, I realize it will come rather than freaking out and I know that the size of my bank account has nothing to do with who I am or how awesome my day will be. And as I heal my finances are getting better as well.

I am grateful to be healing and grateful to have regained my joy.

Please feel free to post your experiences in the comment box at the bottom of this page. Sometimes it may take a while to get your comment approved.

  • Please DO NOT include any sexual details about the abuse.
  • Please DO NOT include any sexual details at all.
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948 thoughts on “Healing from Sexual Abuse and Trauma

  1. My sister (30y/o) has been experiencing psycho events, since few years, that recently intensified especially in the last 2 years. we speak about panic attacks including seizures that appears as if they were epilepsy. doctors said this is a PNES (psychogenic non epileptic seizures) which can be due to childhood trauma, untreated depression or serious shock. Things changed last week when I knew from a friend that she has disclosed to him cause of this trauma.. and the bad shocking surprised is that she is a victim of a CSA (child sexual assault) when she was 6, continued through multiple years.. aggressor is her older brother! she also disclosed to our friend that she reached out to our mother when these abuse started, the mother asked her not to tell anyone and to close her room. I must say that the aggressor brother was suffering from serious psycho troubles during said aggression period.. he kind of had excessive sexual needs all the time and he was running after every girl in family of neighborhood.. he was subject of longterm treatment at the time.. he is healed now.. married with kids…he even did same with me. I’m younger than him but still older than said sister.. when that happened to me I thought I enjoyed it.. but after few times I didn’t let him doing it again.. I never thought in my mind he will go to our young sister room!!

    This idea now coming in my mind.. I kind of feel responsible .. I could have protected her! but I was young too.. I was 13…i never dared to inform our parents.. I thought i was also to blame as I enjoyed the first sex with him…anyway, me I’m not the story.. cause I think this didn’t affect me much..I’m 36 now in a relation, and good work.. issue is my sister who has been suffering and the rest of the family with this.

    No one yet knows from them that she said what has happened to her..by notifying my friend she is clearly reaching out to me.. we have never been so close in what concerns private issues…she is coming to visit me tomorrow for few weeks.. and certainly we will be talking the drama… I don’t know how/where to start.. since last week my family image shattered … I’m in confusion feeling regarding my mother that I always loved.. I can’t believe she ignored sister first help call… could it be that this was not real?

    how to help my sister.. how to protect the family.. brother was not normal.. but he destroyed my sister childhood until now… ..is it faire to face him? even though he could have been considered ill? is it needed to tell father who is old and could get a heart attack if he knew about this? what about mom?? please advise! thanks

    1. Hi Alla,

      I am sorry to hear your story. You are correct to believe that her seizures could be due to the abuse. Many emotions get stuffed down when a child is sexually assaulted and then not validated. Your mother is the person to blame for your sister being abused and not you. You were a little girl and it was your mother’s job to protect you and your sister and not your job. Your mother was the adult responsible for taking care of all of the children. Even as a child, when a child is assaulted their bodies may react which is confusing to a child because it could feel good even though the child is horrified or feels yucky at the same time. So you saying you “enjoyed” it could be due to that and at the same time it could feel terribly wrong.

      As I read your story the other question that comes up is who sexually assaulted your brother, I have yet to find a case where a child began to sexually assault others when they were not assaulted themselves. And then the question remains did the person who assault your brother also have access to you and your sister. Memories of abuse can be so traumatic that the only way to deal with them is to forget but other times they are not forgotten. When asking who assaulted your brother, you need to remember that women can also be perpetrators, though I have no idea who assaulted your brother. Because so many people do not want to believe that woman can be perpetrators, frequently it is not reported. I do not believe that it was your brothers sexual needs he was trying to meet, instead I believe that he was acting out his abuse on others. When a child is sexually assaulted, sometimes that is the only time they feel “loved” so they keep acting out sexually to try to satisfy their need for “love”.

      If you had told, your mother probably would have said the same thing to you that she told your sister, so I don’t think your telling would have stopped anything.

      No, this is real. If you read a bunch of other comments posted here from survivors, you will see that unfortunately many of them have parents who were either perpetrators or enabled perpetrators to continue to assault children.

      It is not your job to protect your family, if they are protecting people who sexually assault little kids. Your brother was most likely abused, if he is trying to get help or has gotten help, he may be able to tell you who assaulted him, if he is still assaulting little kids, he will most likely deny it. Children who are abused are told if they tell, it will kill the person that they tell, that is rarely the case. If you tell your dad then you can see the truth of who he is by his reaction. If he is sad, angry, etc that that happened to you and your sister, then you have a great dad, if he is not supportive or tells you to put the past in the past, then you will be seeing that is who he really is. If you are angry at your mother and want to confront her about what she said to your sister, then do it. She deserves to be confronted because what she did was horribly wrong. When you confront her, if she dares to tell you that your sister is making it up, then you will need to give of the illusion of a “good mother”. Your brother also sexually assaulted you, so it is next to impossible that your sister just made it up. If you want to find out who your parents really are, then talking to them about it (and I would talk to each person separately) you will find out the truth. Remember that if it turns out that your parents are not who you thought they were, unconsciously you already knew. And they may actually be caring people who are appalled by the assaults but one of the only ways for you to know for sure consciously, is to talk with them. Though your mother telling your sister to keep it a secret was very wrong.

      When it comes to talking with your sister, that is very hard to say because it is easier to feel out the best moment and the best way to approach the abuse. Possibly you could tell her that your brother did the same thing to you (I would not include that you “enjoyed” it) and you wished that you would have done something when you were little to have stopped the same thing from happening to her. You could even have her read your comment (even tough it says you “enjoyed” it), my response or this blog, but you really need to feel out the situation. Your sister probably feels very alone, so if she does not know that your brother assaulted you also, telling her would validate her.

      It seems like there are some hotlines in Belgium, but I could not find a rape crisis hotline. If you do not find a good one there you can go to http://centers.rainn.org/ and find one that is helpful, remember if it is not helpful hang up and try another one or try again later. Keep calling until you get the help you need for you and your sister. The hotlines should be able to help you make a plan for how to talk with your mother and father about the abuse. There is also an online helpline at http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline

      I also agree with the experts who oppose the use of antidepressants and antipsychotics, because they can cause a ton of problems and do not really help with the healing process. A great article about this is at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo you can also look at http://psychrights.org/research/Digest/Effective/effective.htm for a list of scientific studies about healing without drugs.

      My post “What To Do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ has tools that can help your sister with depression and other emotions that can come up as the result of the abuse.

      I truly believe that your sister can be completely healed from the abuse if she takes actions towards healing and allows her body to release the emotions and traumas that got stuck in her body from the abuse.

      Please feel free to write back about your experiences and your sister can feel free to write as well.

  2. I am in desperate need of advice. I’ve had a secret that I was told to keep from most of my family for the last 7 years. I was abused from a non-blood-related relative when I was 16, I told my sister and her husband what happened….but because the abuser didnt get to achieve his goal and my sister being a victim herself at the same age 10 years ago; they said to not say anything, it would do more harm to more people.

    My sister past away for medical reasons, 2 years ago. Her husband and their kids live with my Father now.

    I never got therapy for what happened…..and it has been eating me up inside for years and I am so close to breaking while dealing depression I’ve had for over a decade.

    I need to tell me Father before he dies. I need to get the support and comfort I never got before. I am emotionally broken.

    But what would he do? Would he go after my brother-in-law for hiding it? Would he try tracking down the guy that did it? Would my family fall more apart since my sister’s passing? Could I make his health worse than it already is????

    Or do I continue to keep this dark secret and protecting everyone from the truth….

    I need help, I don’t know what to do!!!!

        1. Hi Ally,

          It is not your secret to keep, it is the perpetrator’s secret. Whoever told you to keep it a secret, is helping the perpetrator and not you. The perpetrator most likely would have tried to assault your sister no matter what he or she did or did not do to you. Pedophiles rarely stop raping or assaulting children on their own. They assault as many children as they possibly can. The only way to stop a pedophile is to not keep their secret and have a healthy person believe you and report them to authorities who are also willing to take action to stop the pedophile. (Sometimes even the authorities support pedophiles by not believing the children, other times they actively prosecute the pedophiles.)

          There are some cases of pedophiles who cannot stand what they are doing to children, who do get help. When they get help, they may realize that they were trying to tell what happened to them as children, but unless they are actively trying to get help, they will keep assaulting children. These perpetrators are frequently attracted to children of a certain age, so it is not a coincidence that he or she tried to assault your sister at the same age.

          Whoever said not to say anything is protecting the pedophile and helping them to safely assault other children. Whoever said to remain quiet is a very sick person(s). I also noticed that every time you write the word father you capitalize the letter “f”. That may possibly mean that you have some other things to remember. It also may not.

          Your depression probably has to do with the sadness and the guilt (the guilt really belongs to the perpetrator but often survivors take on the perpetrator’s guilt.) that you have been stuffing down from the abuse. Once a child is assaulted, their whole world changes, they no longer live in a place that is protected and this can have all sorts of repercussions. Fortunately, when you get good help and heal, your depressions and all of the other repercussions from the abuse can go away. The problem is that it can be very hard to get good help, so yo should interview any therapist, social worker, etc you want to work with and only pick a person that fees like a good person for you. Also try going to https://www.sace.ab.ca/index.php/get-help or call 780-423-4121 24/7, (though I just tried it and it did not work but then I called their office and they said they would check into it, it could also be because I was calling from the states). As always when calling a hotline, if the person on the other end is not helpful, hang up and try again later, do not give up when reaching out for help.

          I agree with the experts who oppose the use of antidepressants and antipsychotics when trying to heal. A great article about this is at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo you can also look at http://psychrights.org/research/Digest/Effective/effective.htm for a list of scientific studies about healing without drugs.

          My post “What To Do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ has tools that you can use for helping with depression and other emotions that can come up. These emotions may feel like they come out of nowhere but they are normally emotions that have been stuffed down and something in the present that you might not even be aware of triggers them to come up. This article can help you with that.

          You may or may not get comfort from your father when you tell him. He may comfort you and tell you or show you how angry, sad, dismayed, etc he was that this happened to his daughter. (This is the healthy response.) He also may tell you to let the past be in the past, blame you, or not believe you. (This is the unhealthy response.) He may be supportive at first and then not supportive. (Also not a healthy response.) If you choose to tell your father, make sure that you have support in case you do not get a healthy response from him. The hotline can help you to come up with a good plan.

          If you choose to tell your perpetrator’s secret be ready for people who are supportive of you and be ready that some people may support the perpetrator. By telling you no longer have to hold onto a secret that is not even your secret. But you can choose who you want to tell and who you do not want to tell. The only people you protect by not telling the secret, is the perpetrator, the perpetrator’s enablers and other perpetrators who do not like when people tell their secrets. If a person turns out to not be supportive of you, you have a chance to not allow them in your life anymore. It can be hard to let go of people who seemed to be supportive but turn out not to be, but those people do not have your best interests and to keep them in your life only harms you. You deserve supportive people in your life. By letting go of people who do not support you, you allow more time for people who do support you. There may be a time while you are letting go of unsupportive people where you may not have many people in your life but that will change and you will begin to attract healthier people in your life.

          I think your first step is to call the hotline and if they are not helpful call another hotline in the United States or Canada and do not stop calling until you get a supportive person on the phone. Meaning, not only are they nice but they are willing to give you the help you want. An example is: if you want to make a plan to tell your father, they will listen while you think of what you want to tell him and what plan you need to do to take care of yourself if your dad is supportive and if your dad is not supportive. If they tell you what they think you should do rather than asking you or letting you come up with the plan then maybe they are not being supportive the way you need to be supported. Some people on the hotlines are sometimes even mean, then just hang up but others are so anxious to help they forget to ask you what you need.

          Feel free to write an update.

  3. Hi. I had a similar experience as Amy. I had forgotten about my abuse for a long time. It wasn’t until Highschool (when the second incident happened) that I started remembering the first. I too suffer from PTSD. I will admit that I am on medication. But I don’t believe that that is the whole treatment. I have grown as a person. I am working on my spiritual center. I totally believe that that is what is really helping me heal.

    I didn’t and still don’t have a very strong support system from family when it comes to this. So I don’t bring it up with them. I realize that it is uncomfortable for them, but it would be nice if they could put that aside and just talk to me about the things I have gone through. But I guess that won’t happen. I have accepted that. It took me a very long time to get to this place. It has taken a lot of forgiveness of myself, and alot of therapy to get to this place. I feel stronger now. I am in a better place spiritually and emotionally.

    I was not abused by my father. I was abused by two acquaintances who took advantage of my trust of them. They were never brought to justice and I don’t even know if they are alive or dead. I will probably never know that. I have accepted that as well. I am working on forgiving them. But that is harder than forgiving myself.

    I don’t dwell on what happened anymore. I can’t! if I do then they win. I have come to far to let them win now. So I am continuing to move forward without looking back.

    1. Hi Amber,
      It sounds like you have done a ton of healing and are in a much better place, That I am sure will inspire others to heal and that they can get past the beginning phases of healing and be in a much better place. I truly believe that a person can be totally healed from PTSD and other symptoms of the abuse. I am sorry that you cannot talk to your family about this. That can be very hard.

      I am opposed to medication because it covers up what people need to work on as well having some very severe side effects. A great article about medication is at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo . Some of the frequent side effects of those type of drugs are depression, liver damage (because they are so toxic and the liver is in charge of cleaning out toxins), suicidal ideation, anxiety, tardive dyskinesia, these side effects can be found on the labels of these type of drugs and/or have been frequently reported to the FDA.

      This being said, it is very important to withdraw from the drugs under medical supervision and very slowly. As the body detoxes, your emotions may seem worse, but this is actually the body detoxing from the drugs and not chemical imbalance that some doctors tend to misdiagnose. Unfortunately many doctors get their continuing education from pharmaceutical sales reps and pharmaceutical sponsored conferences.

      It is great that you were able to forgive yourself because it was not your fault.

      When it comes to forgiving the perpetrators, there is an expert who works with survivors who says, “Healing may result in forgiveness but forgiveness does not bring healing, it only covers over the wounds allowing them to fester.” I agree with that statement. You might be interested in reading my post “Do I Need to Forgive to Heal? at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/do-i-need-to-forgive-to-heal-from-abuse/ so that you can stop trying to force yourself to forgive and allow yourself to continue to heal naturally.

      You have done so much to heal, I hold the space that you can be fully healed and not forcing forgiveness on yourself, nor having to take prescription drugs or struggle at all but instead to live a great life.

  4. My journey was very very difficult for I felt like dirt most of my life. I did not know how to deal with it at all. I had planned to take my abuse to my grave, but I accidentally told my best friend from art college one evening by mistake.

    I could not recant it, for she knew I hated men, hated them for the control and evil one had done to me as a child. I got help, but most of my healing came from being an photographer and artist. I could lose myself, fight my demons and slowly the pain vanished in my 30’s and I was able to build a life of art and not feel no more shame. However, I will never understand why me?

    1. Hi Valerie,

      Thank you for your words of encouragement to other survivors. It sounds like you have done alot of work to get your life back. And as for why you, there is no answer, it is never ok that children get sexually assaulted or abused in any manner. Unfortunately the odds of being assualted are very great. Last time I researched it 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted by the time they reach 18. But by all of us speaking out and healing, those statistics should be goimg down. Hopefully soon.

    2. I used to ask “why me” alot but that only left me feeling like there was something about me that caused the abuse and that is not the case, thankfully I know that now. I was a victim to someone else’s sickness, I could have been anyone really, I wasn’t the only one they victimized. I began to use my experiences anytime I could to help someone else and that became the answer to “why me”, so that I can help another.

  5. (Details that may have been triggering to others were edited by blogger)

    I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say, You didn’t deserve it. It’s not your fault. You have no reason to feel ashamed. But no matter how many times I repeat that to myself, I just can’t seem to internalize it. I’m a 21yr old female, heading off to the masters program of my dreams in just a few short weeks. Everything should be fine: I’m off my antidepressants, no self-harm or thoughts of suicide, a good job, a very supportive girlfriend and father. Everything should be fine, but it’s not.

    I don’t remember many details, but when I was six? seven? my much older cousin (we’ll call him N.) had this game he liked to play…(edited by blogger) There was one day in particular: my gaggle of cousins and I (I was the only girl, and the youngest of all of them) went to go play in the woods behind my grandfather’s farm house. We all scattered in different directions, but N. made me walk with him to a clearing far away from the others. I was sick to my stomach, I knew what was about to happen. I wanted to run back to the house, to call for someone, but what if I was wrong? What if this was just what kids do? So it happened again. And again. And again. He used to make me sit on his lap all the time…(edited by blogger)

    My parents even pulled me aside once to ask if he has ever hurt me. I cried and defended him with every last breath, I was so humiliated and scared. Eventually it stopped. I put it out of my mind forcibly. Every time I see him these days – which is rare – he’s so nice to me. I almost think he’s embarrassed about all of it. And I pity him because of that. But I’m also absolutely heartbroken that I’m the one who has to deal with the fallout.

    I grew up a tiny and nervous girl. Things that seemed perfectly normal in my six year old mind now seem abhorrent: I used to make my stuffed animals rape each other (my understanding of rape was pretty patchy…(edited by blogger)… Even as a child, I had dreams about being tied-up, at a male figure’s mercy. As a teenager, I had fantasies galore in the same vein: I would be beaten, raped, tortured, but someone – maybe even one of my captors – would rescue me and take me away from all of that…(edited by blogger) I know, I know… I understand, psychologically, where that notion came from. But it’s still pretty fucking appalling for an abuse victim to fantasize about being raped.

    Moving on. I had my first boyfriend at 18 and we made out…(edited by blogger) all the usual. One time, in the dark, in his bed…(edited by blogger)…sudden panic had me flying out the door and having a panic attack in my car. I started to cry after…(edited by blogger) Finally, I told him everything. He left me for someone else the next day, someone less damaged. So you can imagine how that reinforced the feelings of humiliation and the need to be secretive.

    Time went on, I went on a few dates, nothing ever went past a kiss because I never let it. When I was 20, my female roommate (also a victim of sexual abuse) confessed her love for me, and even though I considered myself to be straight, I thought, “Hey, what the hell. I’m too damaged to sleep with a guy anyway,” and we became a couple. We’ve been together for about a year and a half now, and while I can honestly say that she’s a wonderful person and I love her dearly, I am not remotely sexually attracted to her (or any woman, for that matter)…(edited by blogger) But for the past year, anytime we do…(edited by blogger), it’s because I forced myself. I lie afterwards and tell her I enjoyed it.

    So here we are. Because of childhood abuse and the feelings of filth that went with it, I haven’t been able to engage in any kind of physical intimacy with men. I’m stuck in an asexual, dysfunctional relationship with a woman I am equally reluctant to sleep with. I’ve been to the psych ward, been medicated, been to therapy almost my entire adult life, and nothing’s remotely helped. I keep wondering if maybe I need a supportive partner to help me with this, and even though my girlfriend is supportive, she’s obviously ill-equipped to really solve my man issues… maybe I’ll find someone who won’t run away someday. I don’t know.

    But I do know that it felt really, really good to get all of this out.

    1. Hi Valeria,

      Many survivors feel shame because the abuse that happened hits us very deeply. It is his shame that you are feeling, you are carrying his shame for him. As you heal more you be able to let him have his own shame back but it takes time. And I would like to commend you for all of the healing you have done so far. The fact that you have been able to get off drugs and all of the other accomplishments that you mentioned, shows that you have already successfully done a bunch of healing. But there is still more healing to do.

      Even though you went with him to the woods, it was not your fault that you were assaulted, it was his fault that he violated you. Perpetrators always like to blame the victim but it is always the perpetrator’s fault that he assaulted you. You were thinking from a place of a person who were never do such a horrible thing, which is why you doubted such a thing would happen but he was coming from the place of a person who does terrible things, which is why he kept doing such horrible things to you. He is a perpetrator.

      Of course you were scared, perpetrators scare little kids so that they do not tell because a part of them knows that what they are doing is very wrong. Think of yourself when you were that little girl whose parents asked her that question. You were a tiny defenceless scared little girl. Picture how tall you were, maybe look at pictures of you at that age and if you want you can picture yourself holding you as a little girl who was too frightened to speak and telling her that she is going to be ok. Have you ever or do you want to confront him, about the abuse? If he has not done any healing and is around kids chances are he could be violating them also. If when you confront him or confronted him, he felt awful and has done healing then there is a good chance that he is not continuing to assault children. But if he acts like you are crazy then chances are if he has the opportunity to he is still assaulting children.

      Little kids who are raped often act it out on their stuffed animals. It is their way of telling what happened to them. Your dreams as a child and teenager are your mind’s way of trying to understand the abuse and gain back control of yourself. Try not to beat yourself up for your mind trying to understand and take back control.

      Being with your boyfriend triggered the memories of the abuse that you had yet to heal. He sounds like a terribly mean person. Any boyfriend/girlfriend who was loving, would not leave after you told your story. He sounds like a jerk. You do not need to keep your cousin’s secret, you need to be around healthy people and if you accidentally pick other unhealthy friends or partners, when you realize that they are not healthy, run!!!

      Calling yourself damaged is a horrible thing to say to yourself. If someone broke their arm, would you say that to them? Healing just takes time. If you were gay it would be great that you were dating a loving and caring woman. But being gay would mean that you are attracted to woman and you are not, so that dating a woman in your case is actually being abusive to yourself. You are violating your body by being sexual with a person that you are not sexually attracted to. If she truly cares about you, she will understand, if you tell her the truth. If she truly cares about you, she would not want to do something to you that you have to force yourself to do. Good self-care for you would be to stop dating her and if possible remain friends. I would stop dating everyone for a while and work on good friendships until you have done enough healing that feeling intimate feels good to you.

      I would call the RAINN hotline at 800-656-HOPE and see if you can get some help there. Some people who answer the hotline are very helpful others are not at all helpful. If you do not feel supported, hang up and try again later or try another hotline at centers.rainn.org You can try any hotline, anywhere, some do not want to talk with you if you are out of the area, if this is the case, tell them that you are not comfortable disclosing where you are but you need to talk and have had a hard time finding help or something like that.

      I would interview therapists and find one who is supportive in helping you to heal and has the tools to help you also. I agree with many educated experts that antidepressants and antivpsyvchotics are not at all helpful, a great article written about this is at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo

      Therapists who are miseducated and believe in drugs will say that the new ones are better but studies show that after the new ones are on the market for a while, the new ones have the same problems as the old ones, sometimes worse. So make that call and keep interviewing people till you find the person with the tools to help you. As you grow and heal, you may outgrow your therapists and that is ok as well.

    2. Hi Valeria,
      My name is Valeria too…..you will heal, it took me a lifetime. And I can tell you the healing is not easy or complete until anger is gone. Love you, Valeria, forgive the person and stay away from them forever.

    3. I get you, I understand the shame and guilt. I was raped at 10 years old by 3 guys and beat myself up because I willingly went into their home with them despite the feeling inside my stomach that maybe I shouldn’t. Here’s the real deal, I was a child longing to be liked and longing to trust and longing for friendship, so I went in. BUT… I am not responsible for the decision that those guys made to hurt me. Instead of feeding into the guilt and shame I had to work on forgiving myself for anything I might have thought I did wrong. I was alive, life was going on and I had to go on with it. I refused to live that life allowing that experience to dictate my future. One big very important lesson I learned from that is listen to my gut, if it doesn’t feel right or safe go in the other direction.

      If you really don’t like where you are, change it by changing your mind, therapy can really help with this. I can say this because I went through alot of what you did, fearing sex with men and turning to sex with women, drug addiction, getting into relationships with people that would hurt even abuse me, fear of being hurt so running from what could be really loving and kind relationships, I could go on and on. Therapy helped me to see myself, and how my thoughts and memories were affecting my life negatively and how to think and act my way to a better way of life.

      It takes hard work and time and practice. I know you’ve done alot of healing work so far and may be a little tired of it and feeling like when will I just be over it..but you, me, we have to continue to fight for ourselves, we deserve good functioning lives, and all the good we were designed to have. So keep at it my sister, I’m with you doing it too.

  6. I don’t know if I’m a survivor of my sexual abuse or not. I’m intact. If that means surviving, then I guess so. But prevailing, moving forward, not so sure. My story began from about age 5/6. It could’ve been earlier, but I don’t remember much of my childhood, just bits and pieces. It was my brother, who is 5 years older. Details not needed. At about 13 years old, I told my school counsellor and it snow balled from there. I think I had reached out to my mother at an earlier stage, but it was ignored. I was removed from my living situation, with my parents and my brother and placed into juvenile state care. This was one of the reasons I dropped the charges and had said I made it up. I wanted to go home to my house, with my parents.
    After this, I didn’t talk to my brother for many, many years. Even though we lived under the same roof. The abuse never happened again. He now has 3 beautiful girls who I do have a relationship with. This is because I felt like it was my fault that our family had been broken apart. I like my sister-in-law and I love my nieces, but I can’t continue this pretend relationship with him. (She has no idea of what has happened)
    I have 3 beautiful boys whom I have never had a problem nurturing, loving and enjoying. Yet, I cannot hug or kiss or get really close to other people’s children, whether it is his daughters, or my nieces and nephews from my husbands side. I don’t want my experiences from childhood to encroach upon my children or future grandchildren, which a recent completely innocent and perfectly normal situation led to. My youngest, 3 years hoped into bed with my husband and I. My husband said he had great memories of his childhood when he would crawl into his mum and dads bed and sleep comfy and warm till the morning. My parents never allowed me into their bed. After nightmares, my brother would say “Don’t worry, hop in with me.” And that’s where it all began.
    I also push people away. I have only just came to this realisation. I have anxiety attacks. I can’t look people in the eye for fear of discovering the person I am. I used to be a me person. I thought the world owed me something (in my teenage years) now I am insecure and weak. He has taken so much from me and his life continues like nothing ever happened. He can stand on stage and speak to an audience of hundreds, yet I can’t have a conversation with my friends without shame. Why is this my cross to bear? This happened 30 years ago and although the abuse stopped when I was 12, the abuse left in its wake is still with me. How do I move forward?

    1. Hi Emma,

      I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. It is horrifying that not only were you abused but you were the person who had to leave your home, when it should have been your brother and you should have been given support and help with healing back then. It is also terrible that your mother who was suppose to protect you did nothing when you reached out to her. How did your mother react, when the abuse came out? If she was horrified and wanted to protect you, that is a great sign but if she, instead denied the abuse or blamed you for making it up then that could mean that there is much more to remember about the abuse not only with your brother but likely with other members of your family. The other question that needs to be asked, is who assaulted your brother and did they also have access to you? I believe that children do not just start assaulting, the are repeating a behaviour that was done to them. I am not saying that what he did to you was ok, because it was horrible, but I am saying that they could be much more to remember.

      Of course you wanted to go home, you were taken away from your family.

      It is your brother’s fault and who ever assaulted your brother’s fault that your family is not together, it is not your fault. It is also your mother and father’s fault for not protecting you. Has your brother ever apologized? You do not have to pretend anymore with your brother, your pretending puts his daughters and any other children that he comes into contact with at risk of assault also. But if you tell the truth, know that if he is still sick and if his family is sick, you may be the person who is blamed. EVEN IF THEY TRY TO BLAME YOU, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is the perpetrator and the people who protect the perpetrator and allow them to assault children, it is their fault. By telling your truth, you will find out what kind of people his family really is. If he apologizes sincerely and says that he has gotten help and has felt horrible about what happened, then there is a chance he is healed. But if he or his family try to make you look like the crazy one, then his daughters are at risk and I would make sure to never bring your boys near him. Many pedophiles will assault children of both genders.

      Blocking out your childhood is a sign that the abuse was extreme but that being said, I still believe that you can completely heal and live a good life.

      You may be able to start to get help by calling 1-800-737-732 or 1-800-424-017 24/7 if you are in Australia. If the people who answer are helpful then ask for their name and see if they have any resources that would be helpful to you, if you do not feel supported hang up and try the other number. They may be able to connect you with resources in your area. Always interview any social worker, therapist, etc before you decide to work with them to see if they feel like the right person to work with. I would not take drugs to heal because they can be very harmful and also have side effects of depression, suicidal ideation, brain damage, liver damage, etc. (even the newer drugs have these problems, plus they also stuff down the emotions that you need to detox out of your body. A great article about drugs is at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo Also you can read my post “What to do when You Feel Triggered at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ which has tools that you can use to help with healing.

      You need to congratulate yourself and be proud that you are a great mother and are able to raise a healthy family, that shows that you are a strong and loving person. You are able to give support to your children that you never had.

      It is not your fault for hopping in bed with your brother, it is your brother’s fault for assaulting you and also the fault of the person who assaulted your brother.

      Pushing people away is your unconscious mind’s way of trying to keep you safe because the people you were suppose to trust betrayed you. Anxiety attacks is the fear from the past popping up in the present when something reminds you of something from the past. This is talked about in great detail in the post “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” and what you can do to heal from it is also discussed.

      As you heal more, the anxiety attacks will slowly go away and you will be able to look people in the eye. You will realize that you really are a great person. I see your strength in being able to be a good mother to your children and being willing to write the truth rather than being weak and hiding, thus allowing children to be assaulted like your mother did. You are strong, your mother was weak. You will get your full life back if you work on healing. Although he can stand on stage in front of hundreds of people, your brother can never truly be happy or really feel good about himself unless he takes responsibility for what he did to you and heals. Perpetrators are never really happy, they are sick people. The more you heal, the more you will let go of your brother;s shame. That is who the shame really belongs to him, not you. So allow his shame to return to him and acknowledge that you are a very strong person.

      The best way to move forward is to call that hotline and begin to look for good help. When you get support you can get help planning how to be truthful about what your brother did and stop pretending, but also to plan how to take care of yourself, if they try to make you look like you are the crazy one.

      Know that if you take action to heal, you will get better. It may not be easy finding the right person to help you but it is worth taking the time to get the right person to help you on your healing journey. Feel free to write back with any question, comments or updates.

    2. Emma I hope this reaches you. Not sure you’re a survivor? Let’s define survivor: a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setback. Still not sure? Well first of all you are still here and trying to heal, you told someone about it, you have a husband and children. It’s been 30 years so what, you haven’t given up, even your writing this blog is evidence that you are survivor, if you give up, surviving ends. I don’t know if you’ve gone through therapy, or tried support groups I recommend both in helping you come to terms with what happened to you and learning cognitive ways of handling life on life’s terms. For instance my therapist suggested that when I start pushing people away, stop and think about what is the appropriate thing to do, ask myself do I really want to push this person away and if the answer is no, then push through and don’t do it, take baby steps practicing opening myself up to others and hang in there, work through the fear and insecurities. The more I do it, the better at it I get and I have established some really significant relationships. i hope I’ve said something that helps or at least have given you something to think about..

  7. I am a 48 year old “survivor” of incest – first molested at 6 and lasted until? I dissociate on a regular basis, am on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, had EMDR, and have been hospitalized twice. I hate it when I hear people say that — At least the victim was not seriously hurt, or at least they grew up and were not starving, or my favorite, if a person can’t remember everything that happened, it must not have been that bad. I wish I would have died the very first time it happened so I wouldn’t have spent so many years in hell and have caused others hell.

    I am married and have been for over 20 years – I have hurt my husband by being in online affair, I want to sleep with men constantly but I love my husband. I burned the word slut into my side to remind myself to be faithful.

    Pain is what keeps me together and has kept me together since third grade. I am a “professional” teaching in a four year state college. To those who “know” me, I am friendly, helpful and very protective of my kids.Everything is fine — isn’t it always?

    I don’t ask for sympathy, I just want someone to understand me – I want all this messed up crap to go away so I can be happy —

    1. Hi Lisa,

      The first thing that I want to say is that you seem like a strong person who is minimizing her successes. Every word that could be considered an achievement, such as survivor, professional, know, you put in quotes as if to nullify that you are not really professional or that people must not really know you or they would not really like you, etc.

      Also since you mentioned that you are not sure when the assaults lasted until, it is a good possibility that you have many repressed memories of assault, when this is the case, I have heard from experts in the field of extreme trauma, that EMDR can actually trigger problems to come up, so I do not recommend it at all, though I have found that people who practice EMDR, often have a hard time believing that it is not helpful in cases of extreme trauma and repressed abuse and they will avidly fight you about it, not wanting to believe that there are cases where EMDR is harmful or at the very least not helpful.

      As for people who are minimizing the rape of a little girl, these people are sick (only a sick person would minimize a child being raped) and I would stay as far away from any of these people as you can, even if these people are family members or so called friends. People who are not supporting you do not deserve to be in your life. And the truth is that normally if you cannot remember it is because it is really bad not the other way around, so if you can think of a plan of what you can do when any of these non-supportive people start to say these awful things to you that would be helpful to your healing, including if this person is a psychiatrist, social working, etc. I always interview any person that I am thinking about working with before I ever agree to work with them. They should let you interview them without charge. I will not consider going to a person who will not do a free in person consultation, to me it shows that they want money from me whether or not they can help me. If it is someone like that who says such an awful thing to you, I would thank them for their time and leave immediately. Those type of people love being right, so it is important to get out of there professionally and quickly. Your time is too valuable to be around sick people who minimize child sexual assault. Those are also the people who like to make you feel like you are crazy, when in truth, they are the sick ones.

      As for drugs, I agree with the experts who are adamantly opposed to drugs. That being said, if you want to get off the drugs, it is important to withdraw very slowly and with the support of a doctor or qualified alternative healthcare professional who is willing to help you get off the drugs. Side effects of the drugs includes, depression, extreme anxiousness, suicidal ideation, liver damage, brain damage (as seen when people develop Tardive dyskinesias, involuntary movements etc) and those are just to name a few but the other issue is that because those drugs are so toxic, when you start to withdraw from the drugs you can frequently feel emotionally and physically worse from the detox. Many doctors misdiagnose the withdrawals as chemical imbalance, which it is but it has been chemically induced by the drugs you have been taking and the body’s desperate effort to rid the itself of these toxins. You can see the same problems when alcoholics or drug addicts try to withdraw, they look worse but the body is healing. But antidepressants and mood stabilizers are very toxic so make sure that you are under the supervision of a doctor or qualified alternative healthcare professional. Some alternative healthcare professionals can give you herbs or supplements that will help to decrease the withdrawals.

      I am sorry to hear that you burned a word into your body, you deserve better than that. Burning the word into your body is a form of self-mutilation. Self mutilation is frequently a sign of buried memories from extreme abuse, such as ritual abuse or satanic like abuse. You and your body deserve better than to be burned, I hope that your husband did not support you in burning yourself. It is a very good chance that your acting out sexually, is your unconscious mind acting out about the abuse, like when little kids who have been assaulted start acting out the abuse with their dolls and stuffed animals.

      Pain is probably what kept you together as a child because you received pain instead of love. As you heal, you will no longer need to have pain keep you together and you will learn to be more loving to yourself. Also as you heal, your urge to act out sexually should dissipate. The problem is that it is hard to find a healthy person (social worker, psychiatrist, etc) to work with. I would recommend calling the crisis hotline at 800-656-HOPE and talking with a person on the hotline. If the person is not helpful, hang up and try again later or go to http://centers.rainn.org/ and try dialling any hotline until you get the help you need. Do not get discouraged, there are helpful people out there. If you get good help and work on detoxing the trauma, you will heal and live a happy life.

      1. Hi,
        Sex, pills and etc will not help you, talking to a very very fine professional might do the tricks. Try a female therapist Ike did and it was the turning point for my healing along with being an artist.

        Your husband should not have to deal with your ways, marriage is scared..ask him to join you in therapy.

        I tried sex in college, it did not work, sex with no love is worse. I grew to love myself and found a man I loved too, and it was better than the college affairs. Be better to yourself, we all hurt from incest, abuse and rape….but we survived.

        1. I want to Thank those who have replied to me – I do have a therapist – I think I’ve had at least 10 in the last 20 years. I have tried to revisit the past thinking that if I only knew what happened and how often it occurred than I would be healed.
          I guess I will have to wait until I meet a higher power and ask to see a movie of what happened.

          The meds do seem to help, at least they make me not dwell on the past. I know I will need to stay of them forever if I want to remain “normal,” “professional” and “look the part.”

          My craving and burning slut into my side is my reminder not to stray – for some reason, the wedding ring just doesn’t do it for me. The brand is never going away, the pain (the nerves) are occasional with me and that to is a reminder that my husband and family are worth more than casual sex.

          I don’t feel sorry for myself, I just want to live up to what others see in me. My husband told me several times a saying he heard, “a happy wife leads to a happy life.” I am trying so hard to be that happy wife.

          Maybe someday it won’t seem like an act but the real thing.

          1. Hi Lisa,

            I am glad that you got those responses. I think everyone is trying to tell you that no matter what you have done by not being faithful, it is a violation of you to burn yourself, I truly hope that your husband was horrified that a person he is married to and hopefully loves burned themselves. Hurting yourself like that is not ok. It is continuing to abuse yourself the way that your perpetrators would want you to abuse yourself.

            Your husband saying “a happy wife leads to a happy life” is him putting all of the responsibility for his happiness on you and not taking any responsibility for his own happiness. That is not really fair.

            I believe that the things you have yet to remember, could be what is controlling you. The book “Artist’s Way” really helped me to remember, also my post, “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ can give you tools for healing and help you to get some memories back. Be gentle with yourself and listen to how your mind is reacting to getting memories back. If for any reason you start getting memories back or start healing and begin to have too intense feelings or thoughts (if the feelings are intense but feel like they are coming up and out and detoxing from the body that is fine, but if they feel invasive alomost like they are coming from somewhere elsethen back away for a little). Because you could have triggered some programming that the perpetrators wanted you to feel. Always listen to your intuition, when it comes to your own healng.

            Medication can cause so many problems, I highly recommend that you read this article, http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo “]doctors are continually being told by pharmaceutical sales reps that the new medications are better than the old ones but after being on the market for a while, they still cause a ton of terrible side effects. Which could include, depression, extreme anxiety, tardive dyskinesia (from the brain damage), liver damage.

            Because these drugs are so toxic, you should never go off them quickly or without medical or an excellent alternative healthcare practitioner supervision. When the body detoxes, from these drugs, the withdrawals can be misdiagnosed as chemical imbalance, but it is truly the body trying to stabilize the medicine’s induced chemical imbalance. There is a place http://www.alternativetomeds.com and you can call them and see how you feel about them. It seems like they have a bunch of great tools to help people get off drugs and heal naturally. They do take insurance, I would be interested to know what you think of them.

            I truly believe if you find the right therapist and help you and take the actions to treat yourself better, you will be able to treat yourself well, be truly happy and not keep trying to unconsciously tell the story of your abuse by acting out sexually. Also always know that you can call the 800-656-HOPE anytime.

    2. Hi Lisa,

      I have just found this blog…sorry for the late reply to your post:
      I feel so badly for the pain you are feeling…only those who have experienced sexual abuse can begin to understand and each person’s experience is different. I was sexually abused within my family throughout my childhood. I too dissociate regularly and I know how frightening that can be…knowing you are not in control of yourself. I know this is easy for me to say, but remember none of the hurtful things you have done to yourself or others would have happened had you not had the awful trauma of being sexually abused as a child, you were the victim, you were the one who was hurt so deeply. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you can still heal…People who love me tell me how courageous it is for me to deal with my trauma, I never think of it that way, but they are right. Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on getting help. I am a member of the RAINN ( rape, assault, incest national network ). They have a crisis hotline which has helped so many of us in pain…there are good people to talk to with resources for further help in your area…please remember you are not alone…with caring, Joseph

    3. Hello Lisa:

      Oh my dear I am deeply saddened to hear what you are going through. Disassociation is a coping tool that as children especially we use to guard our hearts and sanity. Even thought it can continue in our adult lives we have more power to take steps to connection. Denial and disassociation does not change anything, I believe that connecting to my feelings and circumstances empowers me to do something about them. It’s by working through things and admitting and accepting truths that we grow and overcome.

      I’m not a medical professional but I sincerely wish you could get off those medications especially since it does sound like they are helping much. I’m a true believer in therapy and support groups and surrounding myself with people who love me and care for me and have my best interest at heart.

      Please stop hurting yourself, it gives power to those that have hurt you. It says to them, you were right hurt, pain and abuse is what I deserve.

  8. I’m only 15.. I was baby sitting for my neighbors for a while and then a month and half into my job things started getting weird. The dad started complimenting me more and use to make comments on my…(body. edisted by blogger). I just overlooked the comments and laughed. Then he started grabbing…(edited by blogger). I don’t know why I didn’t stop it earlier but it went on for 7 months and although we never had sex or even made out, it was still weird enough. He use to kiss…(me. edited by blogger) and tell me about his life and bad mouth his wife and tell me things about his job and family and hardships as a teenager. As things got worse I finally was able to tell my boyfriends dad. He helped me text him a message to stop and then he later confronted him. I was fired 2 weeks later and replaced. I was very very close with his daughter, she was like my sister and my closest friend. I loved her to death. 2 weeks after I was fired I told my mom and we went to the police and he was arrested. I trusted him with everything and he knew everything about me. After all this happened, he told his daughter terrible things about me and she grew to hate me. A warrant of protection was issued so he never spoke to me again, nor has his wife. I use to secretly meet up with the daughter who is 11 now and then eventually our parents found out and put an end to it. She is now very close with my best friend who knows everything. She cries to her about her father coming home drunk and all their family problems. I miss her terribly and I also miss her mom. I was never that close with her but we use to go to lunch sometimes, just the 3 of us and it was nice.

    As a side note, he is an alcoholic and doesn’t have a license because of a drunk driving accident. Also (this may make me sound sick) whenever I was with the man who was doing is, I felt very uncomfortable but when he texted me or called me, I got butterflies. And whenever I wasn’t with him I missed him…(edited by blogger). He was in dreams and I always thought about him. He was always there for me and helped me with everything. I have a shit relationship with my dad and all we do is argue. This man became the father I always wanted. He gave me 300$ a week as a pay check and he use to buy me things all the time. He use to say he loved me and he use to act like my dad and my boyfriend and best friend all in one.

    Now it’s 3 months after he was arrested and I miss him more and more everyday. I know this is bad. He is in my dreams all the time. Everything bring backs memories. Whenever I see red clothing I think of him (he said red was a sexy color on me). I want to see a therapist but I don’t know how to tell my mom. She doesn’t understand the trust I had in him. She just thinks of him as a pervert and refers to him as “ass hole”. She doesn’t know that I thought of him as a second father. She also doesn’t know I miss him. I’m scared she will get mad and think I have problems. Shortly after it all ended I was really depressed and I started smoking cigarettes. For some reason I was craving them (he smokes a pack a day). That only lasted for one pack.. I have half a cigarette everyday. In dreams…(edited by blogger). I miss him so much and I loved his daughter. I don’t know how to tell anyone this because I feel like telling anyone will only make matters worse. No one else would understand. How do I tell my mom I want to see a therapist.

    Also, I used the money he gave me to pay for everything I did(shopping sports trips and everything). My family doesn’t have extra cash to spend so that’s what I used his money for. Now I had to quit everything because I don’t have money for it. Then a month after he was arrested, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. Everything is not how it’s suppose to be. For some sick disgusting reason I miss him more than my boyfriend. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!

    1. I am so sorry for the delay in responding to you, I’ve been on the road, I am working on a response. I edited your post so as to not give anyone any ideas.

    2. Hi Anonymous,

      First of all there is nothing wrong with you. You are a victim of sexual assault and the feelings that are coming up for you such as missing the perpetrator can be normal because unfortunately, he filled a role in your life but he took advantage of your innocence. You may want to read the book “Silent No More: Victim 1’s Fight for Justice Against Jerry Sandusky” by Aaron Fisher, I think it may help you to realize that you are not alone, the same thing happens to way to many kids.
      Sexual assault can have many feelings come up for us that make us feel like what we did was wrong or our feelings are sick but sexual assault is such an intimate abuse that it can play with our minds; the truth is that the perpetrator is the sick person and our body mind and spirit need time to heal from the abuse. I am sorry for your loss of his daughter and his mom, but it does not sound like that was a healthy family,As you mentioned you were trying to fill a void in your life because of the problems you were having with your own dad but the people you were filling the void with, the dad, his daughter and wife were not a healthy family and you deserve healthy people to be around. Ask yourself how you can fill that void with healthy and understanding people?

      It shows a ton of strength that you told your mother and went to the police. You can get help by calling 800-656-HOPE or talking with victims advocates that work with the police department. You can make the calls yourself and if you need to tell your mother, they can help you to work out a plan but you can make the hotline call without talking with your mother about it first. As always when you reach out, check in with yourself and see if the person working with you is supportive and that you are getting what you need. Even if you call a hotline and the person is not helpful, hang up and try again later or try calling another hotline listed at centers.rainn.org (you need to get the help that is right for you). Because most likely all hotlines have helpful and not helpful people do not give up on a hotline if some people working on the hotline are not helpful.

      It’s ok to miss him because what you are really missing is a healthy relationship with your own dad mixed with a healthy relationship with a boyfriend. He was neither but as I said before sexual assault is such an intimate abuse it plays with our minds so do not beat yourself up for having any of those feelings. There is nothing wrong with you.

      It also shows your strength that you wrote this post, so pick up the phone and call that hotline, that can be your first step towards getting a therapists as many hotlines are connected to therapists. I need to add that I agree with Dr. Loren Mosher and other experts and am admittedly opposed to the use of antidepressants, antipsychotics and the use of drugs for healing trauma, so if you talk with a therapist who thinks you should be on drugs, I would find another therapist. For more on problems with drugs go to http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo I would also interview therapists, social workers, etc. (even if they are free) to make sure the person you are going to work with seems like a good fit.

      Feel free to write back with any questions or an update. I believe that if you reach out and get the help you need, you will heal.

  9. Hello,

    I wanted to ask if you know the work of Alice Miller. If yes, could you tell me what do you think about it(/her)?

    Thank you.
    Vera

    1. Hello Vera,

      I just posted your comment and my response.

      I am so sorry about my delay in responding, I’ve been traveling. I absolutely believe in repressed memories of trauma and that they can cause terrible problems as long as the emotion from the abuse or the memory of the abuse remains repressed. I have heard some quotes she said which I have agreed with but I have never read her books so I cannot give an opinion. I can however give an opinion on the False Memory Syndrome Foundation.

      It is important to note that the concept of “false memories” was started by four people who were accused of being pedophiles as a way to make their accusers look crazy. It is also important to note that two of the founders Holida Wakefield and Ralph Underwater thought that pedophilia was a good thing. Ralph Underwater said “Paedophiles can boldly and courageously affirm what they choose. They can say that what they want is to find the best way to love. . . . Paedophiles can make the assertion that the pursuit of intimacy and love is what they choose. With boldness they can say, “I believe this is in fact part of God’s will.” (to see more of how sick Ralph Underwater and Holida Wakefield who helped start the concept of “false memories” and to see the rest of their interview at http://nostatusquo.com/ACLU/NudistHallofShame/Underwager2.html)

      The False Memory Syndrome Foundation did a ton of media and sued a bunch of great therapists, who were helping survivors to heal by accusing those therapist of implanting “false memories”. The truth is that those therapist were helping survivors to remember their own memories without implanting any “false memories”. It has repeatedly been proven that people exposed to trauma may repress their memories and can recover their memories accurately. The study that was done to try and prove that you can have “false memories” was done using non-traumatic events. Since non-traumatic events are experienced differently than events repressed because of trauma, it was found to be an unreliable study.

  10. Hi I ran across your website and I am a survivor of many encounters of being sexually abused. I am moving to NYC and I am working with a playwright from London developing a play dealing with sexual abuse. I hope to be able to use this in NYC and use this as a platform for bring awareness to these issues. I am as a boy facing a giant. I have no contacts or money. Just a dream and a little faith. Any insights you could give me would be great. Thanks

    1. I am glad to see that a male is speaking out about this. Sexual assault happens to so many boys and yet it is rarely spoken about. I would make sure that you have some way of supporting yourself while you work on the play. Then talk with theatres that develop and showcase plays. I would actually look to touring Canadian Fringe Festivals, I do not however recommend the New York Fringe Festival unless you read and rewite the contract to what you agree with (I believe that a few years ago they would take a percentage of the play for the life of the play, it may have changed). If you do a New York Festival research it, because some may be great but a bunch of them take a huge advantage of the artists. Canadian Fringe Festivals are usually great. I also would stay away from writing sexual details of the abuse in the play (as it can traumatize the audience and sick people could get off on it) I would write more about the symptoms around the abuse, what you did to heal and how your life is better now that you have healed. And write about specific scenes in your life. Best of luck with your play. Remember the audience wants to love your play, they are on your side.

  11. I have been battling with this question since my relationship ended…. I ended a really bad relationship a year ago, and am still affected by it today. I have already determined that the relationship was mentally and emotionally abusive, but have vehemently denied to myself that it was sexual abuse. Lately though, I haven’t been as sure.

    Let me summarize it up quick. We started dating when I was ending 7th grade (we was ending 8th), and I ended it in May of my Junior year. For the nearly 4 years that we were together, …(we were sexual [edited by blogger]) for maybe a year and a half…(edited by blogger) When the activities first began, I did not want him to do it. I asked him to stop, but he didn’t. I figured that my discomfort and fear was due to the fact that this was my first serious relationship. When he was done, I felt horribly guilty and dirty. Again, figured because it was new. As time went on, he began to drop hints about me reciprocating his actions, and made me feel as if I owed it to him. I did, and again felt guilty and dirty. Soon, it was all he wanted every time we saw each other, and even began trying some acts in school. He began pressuring me horribly for…(edited by blogger), which I (thankfully) resisted. Recently I have begun to have flashbacks. Today in my English class I began to feel as if I was in the situation once again. I had to excuse myself before my professor noticed I was shaking.

    I have been conflicted as to whether or not this was sexual abuse. While I did not want him to do it, there were times when I did enjoy it a bit. Was this simply a biological response? Even the times I did enjoy, I still felt guilty and dirty afterwards. Was this just a bad relationship, or was I abused? I feel that if it was just a bad relationship, I should be over it by now. Am I just being a hypochondriac? Please, if anybody can help me at all, it would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Hi Alice,
      Whenever you ask a person to stop and they do not stop that is always considered non-consensual and sexual assault and thus sexual abuse. First relationships, can be great, if both people are treating each other with respect. t sounds like that was missing. Many people are in denial that if they for example kiss then anything else is ok and in truth, you have the legal right to stop at anytime and failure for that other person to stop is actually a prosecutable offence. I am not saying that you need to prosecute him, but according to US law you could if you wanted to. I am only saying this so that you do not minimize your experience with him.

      When a person’s body is detoxing or processing a trauma it is not unusual to have physical symptoms and flashbacks, it is how the brain and body help to process trauma. A book that talks about how animals process trauma is called “Waking the Tiger” by Peter A. Levine, unfortunately he is a bit ignorant when it comes to the subject of repressed memories, so I would not take his advise on that part. The good part of his book is when he talks about how animals bodies shake to release trauma and he has some exercises in the book that can be helpful. A great review on the book is at http://primal-page.com/tiger.htm

      Other tools that could be useful in processing the trauma are on my post “What to do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/

      You must remember that when even when people are sexually assaulted because the body is taught to respond to certain things, there can be a biological response, it can be very confusing. But it is still sexual assault. You are not dirty, your boyfriend is the person who should feel the guilt and shame not you. You were abused.

      You will be over it when your body heals, it takes time. You need to first admit that you were sexually assaulted and reach out for help. After you do some work on healing and realizing you were the victim of his abuse, then you can go on to do what it takes to heal.

      It shows your strength that you were able to reach out and write what you wrote. I recommend that you call 1-800-656-HOPE and talk with the volunteers on the hotline. If the person that you speak with is not helpful ask them how long they will be on the hotline, try again after a new volunteer is on the hotline, if you repeatedly are not getting the help you need from calling, go to http://centers.rainn.org/ and keep calling until you get the help that you need. You deserve to heal, so don;t give up, even if the first 10 volunteers are not helpful, keep reaching out and you will get the help you need. Never give up on yourself or taking the actions that you need to take to heal.

  12. I am 37 years old. My stepfather sexually and physically abused me from when I was 2 to 14 years old. I told my mother when I was 14 who then spoke to my stepfather about it then said to me that this had not happened. I left home. A youth worker took me to child protection to make a statement, I cried, the child protection officer yelled at me, I walked out. The youth refuge lodged a complaint about this. My stepfather is a teacher. When I was 22 I wrote to my mother. My mother contacted me and said to me that none of it had happened, that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain, that it was figments of my imagination. My mother is a nurse and has many years ago worked as a psych nurse. I said to her that all my memories are so real that I am going to see a psychiatrist to see if what she is saying is true. Before I did my stepfather admitted to it and attempted suicide. My mother stayed with him. 3 1/2 years ago I was contacted by a education department investigator who wanted to interview me regarding my stepfather. The interview lasted 5 hrs and still was not finished as they had to catch a flight back to Sydney. 3 months later I was contacted by a detective from the police department from my home town 2 hrs away who said the education department is unable to prosecute as my step father retired 3 weeks after the interview, the police have my statement on file if I wish to pursue this but I am better off getting on with my life. I tried to. Last year I learned that my brother, whom is aware of the abuse, was having his 2 yr old daughter minded by my mother and stepfather, this had a massive impact on me, I talked to my brother and his wife about this to no avail. They have recently had another child. I became extremely distressed, spoke a lot to my counsellor of 4 years, I then decided to take my abuser to court. While waiting to speak to a detective I couldn’t sleep, had nightmares when I did sleep, became very upset at the humiliating degrading perverted sadistic things I was about to speak about. I couldn’t go to work. I had a psychotic breakdown, September last year, the 1st in my life and I am certain, my last. I was put in hospital for 4 weeks. My partner was very supportive until the week before I came home. He left with our 2 yearold son and 13 year old daughter. I was and am devastated and heartbroken. My children want to come back home, I see them 3 times a week. We have been to family court 3 times, the next being in june. I have gone back to work, I want whats best for my children, I miss them terribly and they never want to leave when they are here. There is huge stigma in the family court re my breakdown, the whole court process has been hell. when I came home from hospital there was a court order already made and I only saw my children for 3 hrs each week for 2 months. My children have been loved and nurtured, they saw me confused and unwell for 1 day before going to hospital. I was better in 2 days. While in hospital I was forced to have antipsychotic medication which would completely wipe me out, I refused to take it and was kept in the hospital mental health ward for almost 1 month, I took the medication so they would let me out. I have not taken it since. I have medical evidence that I am ok and was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia. My mother called the hospital when I was admitted and told staff that I had drug and alcohol problems, untrue, and that I had had previous psychosis, also untrue! it was written in my file and is being used against me in the family court. My psychologist is encouraging me to make a formal complaint about this, I have told my lawyer this. I felt suicidal when I returned home and my children were gone. I am now determined to live well and make things ok again for my children. Watching them cry when they leave tears me apart, I am trying to live well, nourish myself exercise and somehow try to be positive about the future, it is so hard, I am so hurt and angry about what has happened to my life. T.

    1. I am sorry to hear of your story. It is great that you remained sane with all of the insanity that occurred around you. No child should ever have to go through that type of abuse. Not only were you assaulted but you have a mother who was not a mother to you. How horrible to be made to be the crazy in a family of people who truly are crazy, anyone who negates a child’s abuse is crazy and a bad person.

      Unfortunately, there are perpetrators who work at child protection services, although I am not saying that the person who screamed at you was a perpetrator, their yelling at a small child who has been raped is very suspicious. How horrible that the person who works for an agency that is suppose protect children supported the pedophiles and that to me is very fishy. It shows your strength that you realized that the officer was wrong and you reported them. So many survivors would have doubted themselves.

      If you tell the right person at a good agency that you were raped by your stepfather and he is now taking care of a child then they are legally responsible to look into it because he is a perpetrator who has access to children (at least that is the law in the United States). That being said, as you found out some people hired to help, are not helpful and sometimes (as in your case) they are harmful.

      Your mother denying the abuse of her daughter, saying that you had a chemical imbalance and lying to the hospital, shows that your mother is mentally ill. What scares me is that if she can do such atrocities to her own daughter, what is she capable of doing to her helpless patients in the psych ward. Your stepfather admitted he abused you and yet your own mother is in denial. Your whole family, including your brother and his wife are in denial. It seems that no one in your family believes that children should not be raped. They are very sick people.

      I would like to reframe what you referred to as a “psychotic breakdown” (I do not know the details of what you experienced but the following are frequent examples of what is misdiagnosed as a “psychotic breakdown”): it could have been stress and feeling deep emotions in public places such as work, it could have been the terror coming up from the childhood memories of abuse, it could have been the horror of the realization that your entire family (at least those you wrote about) support raping children, it could have even been flashbacks of memories or cover memories. If it was a flashback of a cover memory, it could make you feel and seem “crazy” to yourself and the outside world, but in fact it was a memory that the perpetrator or perpetrators placed during the abuse so that if you ever remembered the extreme abuse you would look crazy. An example of a cover memory could be that that you think that Mickey Mouse is sadistically abusing you and doing all sorts of nonsensical things, when the truth is it was your mom abusing you in extreme ways. (That is just an example.)

      I am so sorry that you were hospitalized, it is amazing and unfortunate that most hospitals do not know how to help people with abuse issues and force drugs on people. Frequently doing far more harm than good for the patients who really need help. And how awful to find out in such a stressful time that your partner, was not on your side. Sounds like your mother could have possibly gotten to your partner and they chose to believe your mother over you. I agree with your psychologist about filing a formal complaint and also, if appropriate, have your psychologist testify on your behalf. You may also see if there is some non-traumatizing way to have your children examined, to see if you can prove in the court that being with your partner is emotionally damaging to your children. The rape crisis center in your area may also be able to help you with these legal issues about getting your children back and clearing your record, possibly also making a restraining order against your mother, stepfather and brother from ever seeing them, if they have access to them currently.

      I would try going to http://www.aifs.gov.au/acssa/crisis.html but as you found out some people who are meant to help are not helpful but keep calling and speaking with other people in the same agency or try calling another agency, keep trying until you get the help that you need because there are some great people out there also. Do not give up on yourself. It is great to hear that you have found a psychologist who is on your side. And through all of this, be gentle with yourself. You deserve to heal and you must put yourself first. So if you are feeling overwhelmed, make a phone call to your psychologist, or to the hotlines or if you have an understanding friend. Or if it’s more helpful for you, take some time outside or what ever you like to do to take care of yourself. If intense emotions come up try doing the exercise in the post What to Do When You Feel Triggered at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/

      You should be so proud of yourself for remaining sane amongst so much insanity and being a good and caring person, despite the fact that you never had any good examples in your home. You are strength. you will make it through this, even if at times it seems overwhelming as long as you take action and keep taking care of yourself. Feel free to write back with any updates.

    2. I feel for you deeply. It might be a good idea to stay away from your mom for a while. And get around people who believe and truly love you for you. Love heals, it healed me.

  13. Hi there, I’m a 33 year old female, who was sexually abused by my cousin from around age 6 to 8. Could even be earlier. I also had an incestuous relationship with another cousin which I am deeply ashamed of. I’m ashamed of everything really. I feel heavy and dark. Everything I do feels fake. I have to fake happiness everyday to everyone. I have never really confronted this head on, it never really bothered me, but for the last 10 years I have had a rage inside of them that comes out in nasty ways at my husband and our two children. I’ve finally told my husband what has happened and he is supportive in me getting help but I feel like he doesn’t really care what has happened, or is this the depression? Please help me. I can’t take anymore of this life. 🙁

    1. I will reply within a week. Until then I did find this resource in Austrailia. There are a bunch of numbers to call for support st http://www.aifs.gov.au/acssa/crisis.html

      As always, only stay on the phone with a person who is being helpful, if they are not helpful hang up and try again later or try another hotline, do not stop until you get the help you need. I truly believe that you can heal and your life will get better as long as you find the right help. And just because a person has a degree does not mean that they are the right counselor for you.

      1. thank you. I have made contact with…(edited by blogger for privacy) I am being positive for my life and my family. Love and light to you x

          1. The other thing that you will see as you heal, is that you will be better able to hear your intuition and listen to it so you will be able to see if your husband is truly unsupportive (which is possible) or if he is supportive but you were unconsciuosly taught that no one will support you, so that you are unable to see when anyone is realy supportive (which is also possible).

  14. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse and have done years of healing work. I feel very happy with my progress and am delighted that I have been able to experience life in a way I never knew was possible before my healing.

    You can imagine how I felt when my boyfriend of three years remembered being incested… I thought perhaps he was reflecting healing that I hadn’t finished.

    He has been diagnosed with bipolar1. He had been off medication for 7 months and was coping with the body feelings coming up. We started working with a trauma therapist because he knew there was physical abuse. After a couple weeks with the therapist he remembered the incest.

    It was as if the stress of the memories sent him into a manic episode. Or some people say it might be a spiritual emergency. No one could keep up with him and he had to go into the phyc wing of the hospital yesterday to get some meds to make him stable.

    I have always believed full healing is possible from incest and bipolar, but after seeing him get so weird this past week I have doubted if that is possible. I want more then ever for his full healing to be possible, especially now that he knows what has been wrong all these years.

    He doesn’t have much support beyond me, and I love him vey much. Is it neive to think full healing from such extreme abuse and mental illness is possible?

    Has anyone been all the way through a spiritual emergency (manic episode) and been healed on the other side?

    How can I help him most and also make sure I am able to have a healthy happy life?

    1. Hi Aja,

      I would like to commend you for all of the healing that you have done on yourself. That will inspire others. It is also great to see that you are a kind and caring person.

      When it comes to survivors, I do not like to pigeon hole people as bipolar or manic. Those diagnoses are great at getting people put on medication for the rest of their lives but they are of no help in a real healing process. There is a great article about antidepressants and antipsychotics called “Is It Prozac? Or Placebo?” at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo

      I believe that what we call extreme emotional swings “bipolar” can be the body releasing emotional memories connected to the abuse, so a person will be triggered to feel the anger (or whatever extreme emotion) in connection to the abuse but neither they nor the doctors realize that they were triggered, so it just looks like anger coming from nowhere. But by experiencing this anger feels like a release from some of the pent up anger from the abuse and then they feel euphoric but since they did not work on the memory itself, they get triggered once again. And thus it looks bipolar. Manic can look the same way.

      All antidepressants and antipsychotics on the market can have side effects of “manic” episodes even when withdrawing from those drugs and these episodes can also occur after a person is off the drug. The problem is that these drugs can do brain and liver damage and sometimes other organ damage as well and they cover up the root of the problem.

      Unfortunately, I have rarely seen people getting help in psych wards. I have known of people being drugged against their will. If your IP address is correct then you also live in a state that has legalized electric shock and you must be very careful because in some psych wards it is given without consent. Electric shock causes extreme brain damage, heart problems and many other problems and he may loose memories that he will never be able to get back. They say it is is gentler than before but it still is horrible and archaic and can cause permanent damage.

      Please do not confuse emotions and memories coming up from his abuse as a mental illness, it is not. People have fully healed from extreme abuse and live great lives after they have healed but people rarely heal in psych wards. There are a few exceptions of psych wards that people actually get help at but those are few and far between. It is very possible that the therapist that he was working with unknowingly triggered these emotions and symptoms.

      I would also do everything that you can to make sure he is not being put on antidepressants or antipsychotics, but if he already is, he must withdraw slowly. I do not know of this place personally but you might want to try http://www.alternativetomeds.com (they take insurance if he has insurance and they work with financing).

      You or he might want to call the 1-800-656-HOPE and see if there is help there.

      He can heal but he needs to find the right person to help him to heal. I would also have him read the post “What to do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ there are some exercises there that can be helpful. But if he is on antidepressants or antipsychotics, some of those extreme emotions can actually side effects of the drug such as depression, suicidal ideation, etc (a more complete list is on the side effects label of each of those drugs). So he needs to figure out if the emotion he is experiencing is from the drugs or from his past abuse. But it is important to restate that he can heal fully, others have.

  15. Hi,
    I am now 17 years old, but from the age of 2 until I was around 6 years old, my older brother would molest me. It started before I ever knew what sex was. I won’t go into graphic detail simply because I know it wouldn’t be very considerate to others on this site, but the molestation ranged from many forms…(detail edited by blogger). When I started school, I was then exposed to kids who DID know what sex was and did know what rape was. I had always felt scared and wrong when my brother would ask me to kiss him, do things to him, or let him do things to me and when I finally realized what had happened I started to tell him that I didn’t want to anymore. He was upset and I really wanted to tell my parents what happened, but settled for asking to be put into a separate bedroom (we were in the same room since I was born).
    During the times when he would molest me, however, we did have one of my cousins visit and I’m sure he did the same to her. He was arrested for forcefully raping one of my friends the year I started middle school, at which point everything flooded back. The only thing I remember from middle school is cutting myself, drinking, and doing drugs. I remember past friends confessing to me that he had hurt them too. Most importantly I remembered the girl who finally got up the courage to have him arrested. She had wanted to tell me something one day, but nobody at school liked her and I didn’t want to be seen with her in person (though we were “friends” outside of school). All I can think is that she wanted to tell me what he had done to her. And I feel disgusted by my own cowardice at telling her to shut up and go away. I feel so guilty that so many people suffered because I never told, and still haven’t.
    I have recently met a guy who I’ve told what happened and he wants to be patient, but I can’t even talk to him in person, we have to text because I’m am that scared of being close and then getting hurt. He’s getting tired of it though, and it has made me realize that I do this with everything. I am so terrified of the normal things that people should be able to do, like holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc. and I have this feeling that if I can tell my parents that it’ll all be cleared off my chest and everything will be better. But he is out of jail now, and we’re just trying to rebuild from that. He and I have NEVER spoken about it and sometimes it all feels like it’s on the tip of my tongue and that I can tell my parents and tell HIM and tell everyone. But then it gets caught in my throat… and I can’t get it to come out.
    I was reading an article that calls it “family loyalty” and it seems appropriate: I’m willing to sacrifice confessing and personal happiness to keep my family whole and to keep from losing anything. I’M WILLING! but inside it feels like I’m fighting myself. I have stopped hurting myself, starving myself, making myself puke, drinking, and doing drugs. But somehow, I feel like i’m WEAKER as a person. I want to tell, but I bite my tongue. People have told me that I seem like I’ve lost confidence.
    And now that you’ve read this incredibly long piece of confession (thank you), what can I do? I just want to be able to feel healthy and confident and lead a much more fulfilling life. I want to be able to heal and to be able to TELL if that’s what I need to do.
    I hope this all makes sense.

    1. Hi Lulu,

      What happened to you is horrible. No child should ever have to go through such abuse. Your parents should have been horrified to realize that your brother is a rapist. He has repeatedly raped people, so I see no reason why he would stop. But the question also remains, who molested your brother and did they also have access to you. Children learn to rape from being raped. Once your brother was arrested for the rape, your parents, if they were healthy parents, should have looked everywhere to have found out who raped your brother or they also may have been in denial that their son could have done such a thing. That is “if” they were healthy parents. How did they react when they found out about your brother? Were they horrified by the rapes or did they blame the other children for “making him have sex with them” or was there another reaction? Their reactions will tell you a bunch about your family. It is important to really hear who your parents are. They may be great parents or they may be part of the problem. Many times when people in a family hear who other family members truly are, they are not willing to believe it and by their disbelief, they allow others to fall prey to that same family member.

      Please feel free to post the answer to that question.

      As for the situation with your boyfriend, in order to take care of yourself, you need to acknowledge, how you feel and what you need to do to take care of yourself. You need to nurture and take care of yourself so that you can heal and be healthy. There is a reason that doing relationship things such as hugging, kissing, etc scares you and you cannot force yourself to do them until you are ready. You have to be gentle with yourself. Calling the 1-800-656-HOPE number can be a good place to start to reach out for help. (There are different volunteers who are on the hotline, so if one is not helpful, try calling back later or try another hotline at centers.rainn.org, keep calling until you get the help you need and keep it as a resource throughout your healing process. There also may be a counseling center connected to the local rape counseling center that the 800 number connects you with. Whenever you go for counseling, always listen to your intuition to see if the person you are talking with is helpful in your healing process.)

      The hotline can also help you to come up with a strategy to tell your parents, if that is what you want to do. You need to know that your family may or may not be supportive of you if you tell them about your brother raping you. They may be supportive or they may blame or not believe you. And the question still needs to be asked who raped your brother. It is easy to say that your brother was always like that but I have yet to find a case where that is true. I have frequently found that people in sick families want to believe that the perpetrator was born that way but that is usually denial and not wanting to acknowledge what is happening in the family.

      A family, where the son is a rapist and does not protect the children is not a family that needs loyalty, it is a family that needs healing.

      Even though you may think that you are weaker, if you have been able to stop all of that self harm, you are very strong. You may be feeling weak because now all of those emotions that you were stuffing down doing harmful things to yourself are coming up now. It may feel awful but it is healthy because by feeling those emotions, you are allowing your body to detox and start the healing process.

      By writing your story, it also shows your strength. So although you may not have told your parents, you’ve told others and others reading your story will also have hope that they can tell their story. If you take action, you will heal, you will feel healthy confident and lead a more fulfilling life. I again recommend start calling hotlines until you get the help you need. You can start calling now because the hotline is 24/7 and you deserve to heal. (And do not give up until you get a person who is helpful to you on the hotline.)

      1. Thank you so much for your advice, I’ve been looking at different websites and calling hotlines and it’s been very helpful. As I try to cope with the feelings more and more, it’s getting easier to wake up in the morning in a good mood and to be engaged with the people around me.

        I don’t think my brother was raped, but my parents were very violent towards each other as the two of us were growing up, and my dad was especially violent towards my brother, so I’m guessing that’s the issue. They were upset about it when he was arrested but more of in a “that’s too bad” kind of way, not as though they were disgusted or worried or anything.

        1. Hi Lulu,

          I am so glad that you are doing better allowing yourself to feel more and waking up in a good mood and engaging more with people, those are huge steps in recovery. I am sure that will inspire others who read your new comment that things can get better. I still think that it is extremely likely that your brother was raped. People normally learn the abuse that they do to others from the people who abused them. So your parent’s violence, would have taught him to be violent in the way they were violent to him.

          Feel free to write any updates about your sucesses and your struggles.

  16. I don’t feel I am protecting my step dad I am protecting my mom and little brother…if I speek to a Councelor I am afraid they will have to report him because he is still around a minor and CPS would get involved and isn’t it possible that my mom could get in trouble for not calling the cops? I have told her that I want to say something and she has said well we will have to deal with what happens u do what u need to do…but I never have an it goes away until one day I’m laying there and all the memories come back and then I feel the only way I can heel and get over my food addiction is to talk to someone and then I feel I can’t..and I can tell it scares her and one time she almost made me feel bad for wanting to talk about it..but I made the decision as a child to not say anything not knowing how much impact it would have on me as an adult…I just don’t think that I could risk my brother getting into this or my mom possibly going to jail (which idk if that is something that could happen) so I am stuck in silence…if I talk to a Councelor (I already have one I love, just never talked about this) do u know if she would have to report it even if it was a long time ago?

    1. Hi Shauna,

      You need to take care of yourself first. It is horrible that your mother knows that your stepfather is a pedophile and she is choosing to protect him over protecting you and your brother. That is wrong. She is choosing to possibly allow your brother to be raped and not really care if you get the help that you need in order to stay with your stepfather. That is not being a kind, protective or loving mother. And for her to say do what you need to do and we’ll deal with what happens sounds extremely selfish. A healthy and loving mother would have confronted your stepfather, called the cops on the man who raped her daughter and possibly also her son and gotten you both help (because even if your brother was not raped, living in that situation is harmful to all children in the house).

      It is far more likely that your stepfather would go to jail than your mom. You do realize that you are protecting your mother but she has no interest in protecting you or your brother.

      Do NOT remain silent, get the help that you need. Shame on your mother for not caring about protecting either you or your brother. When you get the help that you need, you will also most likely need to work on being the mother to yourself that you never had.

      You can start by calling a hotline from Skype, so that they cannot trace the call (though most hotlines have is so that your call is not traceable). Your getting help may also force your mother to get some help which she obviously needs and protect your brother from the pedophile living in his house. DO NOT let your mother blame you for what happens. It is her fault that she chose to not protect or help her own children. Even if money is an issue, there are safe houses that mothers in this situation can go to to get on their feet and protect their children but your mother did not want to do that or make the effort to figure out how she can get away from your stepfather and protect her children.

      Pedophiles rarely stop raping children unless they themselves want to stop and go for help. Much of the counselling is free for survivors of rape. Many of the counselling centres also allow you to remain anonymous. But remember there is a good possibility that your brother is going through or has gone through what you did. Pedophiles frequently rape girls and boys.

      Call 1-800-656-HOPE and talk with someone there, they can help you to get the resources that you need to heal. If the person that you are talking with is not helpful, hang up and try again later or go to centers.rainn.org and look up another rape crisis line to call, keep calling until you speak with a person who is try helpful. If one person does not give you the answer you want or need try again later. Do not stop reaching out for help until you get the help that you need and start taking action to heal.

      I truly believe that you can heal, from the food addiction and all of the other side effects of the abuse but you need to reach out. DO NOT let your mother blame you for anything that happens, she failed to protect you and has no interest in protecting your brother. Take care of yourself. You deserve a healthy, happy and fun adulthood, do not let your stepfather or your mother’s fear take that away from you.

  17. Thank you for your blog and the time to reply. I was sexually abused for years by a step dad. I have gone on to live a ‘successful’ life as an awesome mother, businessperson, etc. Yet the past is always nearby …. with depression, disassociation, all the common traits following me around. I am never at peace, always looking, searching. I have been to many therapists and even tried without success to be hypnotized by a leading doctor here to really get to the root and get it out. Here is my quesiton….can I ever be healed, or is it just my cross to bear. And if yes, how? I am open now that the kids are grown and under the urging of a few close friends to go see someone, that I deserve to be really happy. My life is one most would take in a second yet I am not at peace and constantly fight the sadness and empty soul inside me. I search for God but don’t feel a connection even though I attend church, bible studies, etc. Open to suggestions on what to do, who to go see etc.

    1. Hi Debbie,

      No, I do not believe that you need to live with depression, disassociation, etc for the rest of your life. It is not your cross to bear, it is just symptoms that your body is still trying to detox from stuck emotions and memories and those emotions are screaming to be heard. Unfortunately many therapists are not very good, some can even make you feel worse, so I would say that most likely, you have yet to find the right person who will help you to heal.

      You deserve to be really happy and I believe that you can be.

      Try the exercises at “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ This post has exercises to help to detox some stuck emotions and memories from the abuse,

      You may need to travel to a larger city near you to get help. Try calling the 800-656-HOPE hotline, they should have resources to help sexual assault survivors. Try going to centers.rainn.org and look for nearby crisis hotlines or ones in the big city near you. They should also have resources to help survivors. Interview therapists and counselors, and ask them about if they have helped others in your situation and what were some of their successes. I personally believe that prescription drugs only stuff down the emotions and memories that need to detox from your body, not to mention the terrible side effects.

      When it comes to spirituality, I believe that it cannot be forced. The more we heal and detox from the trauma(s) the more we get a connection to spirituality or that we can feel the connection that was always there. I sometimes find that people who try too hard to become religious seem to be superficial and not truly spiritual at all.

      Make it your new part time job to find the people who can help you to heal and do the work with the right people and I believe that your life will not only look good to others from the outside but it can also feel good to you. And again, you deserve to be really happy, every person deserves to be really happy.

  18. I have remembered the two different years (age 5-6 and during 4th grade) that this happened to me, in my home. I have NEVER forgotten and this has effected my life for decades in choices I have made to my two decade marriage (with children) which ended in divorce due to abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) by my ex-husband. I had allowed people into my life whom I thought were “friends”, only to find that I had been used as long as I served a purpose. As far as a normal relationship with my ex-husband sexually, that was nearly impossible due to the flashbacks of forced molestation. When I went public with this in my family to everyone in my family, I have been called a liar, told to “get over it”, told it was no big deal, told that my memories of at least TWO YEARS of molestation were false even though I had never forgotten. I even changed my life plan to stay around (as the oldest) to watch over my siblings, tell the siblings when they had children to NOT leave them alone with (blank). There was no “help” and little understanding from anyone. I am now homeless, can’t find a job (due to being a stay-at-home mom and volunteer, little work experience, and age). This abuse in my childhood has ruined my life. I am having to live in a hallway in the home of one of the abuse-enablers. I have no feelings of self-worth, or self-esteem.

    1. Hi Elle,

      Some people never forget the abuse they experienced, no one should ever have to suffer from any child abuse or domestic violence. I truly believe that the more people who write their stories and share their experiences, the less abuse will occur because abuse thrives in secrecy. It shows your strength that you were able to get away from your abusive husband and it also shows that you have courage and insight to recognize that people you thought were your friends, were only using you. You had the esteem to get away from those people and that is very important. As you heal, you will attract real friends. Not only did you have to deal with flashbacks, it is not reasonable for you to trust an abusive husband and intimacy and healing it built on trust. How could you trust your husband who was also an abuser.

      Your family is obviously very sick. Any family that tells a person who was raped as a child that they are a liar is a very sick family. Shame on them. They never kept you safe as a child, and now they are being abusive to you as an adult. It sounds like the healthiest thing that you could do would be to separate yourself from a family like that. Calling you a liar, shows that they do not respect you as a human being. And they are outing themselves as liars by telling you to “get over it” and it is no big deal. So if they really thought you were lying, they would never tell you those things because saying “get over it” acknowledges that they know it happened and they don’t care.

      So your family is supporting children being raped because they believe it is no big deal.

      It is time to do everything that you can to take care of yourself. This could include turning in your perpetrator so that he or she will not assault other children because it is pretty obvious that the people in your family have no interest in making sure that the children in your family do not get molested. This is so horrible.

      You will find people who do understand, try calling the RAINN hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE. There are volunteers who answer that hotline, so are great others are not so great, keep calling until you get the help you need. Hang up if someone is not helpful and try again later or try another hotline from http://centers.rainn.org/

      The hotline you call should have resources to help you, to get therapy to heal. But always interview the people you want to do counseling with to see if it is a good fit. The counseling centers may also have a safe-house that you can stay at as well as help you with housing options. Many people who leave abusive situations have financial difficulties so these centers have resources to help. If the center you contact cannot help you with all of your needs keep looking. You deserve to heal. If you take action, you will heal. Do not give up on yourself, you are far better than your family because you know that no child should ever be assaulted and your family is a group that supports child abuse.

      Remember you will heal and you will get true friends. You deserve self worth and self esteem because you are a person who cares and wants to protect children. That is so important.

      1. thank you for answering. without any source of income or a job, it is impossible for me to do anything but sit in this hallway of the abuse-enabler, one of those whom told me to “get over it” or “you are a liar”. it’s very hard to deal with when this person happens to be my mother. i am helplessly stuck in this hallway with absolutely no way to get out.

        1. Hi Elle,

          There are safehouses that can give you a place to stay and help you get on your feet and if you need more time to heal they should hopefully be able to help you get on disability. Temporarily being on disability can help get you the space in your life that you need to heal. They can also help you get a place to live that is more permanent. That hotline should be able to get you resources of safehouses. You are not alone. Other people have had mothers who are not like a mother should be supportive and loving, instead they are mean to their children. It may feel like there is no place to go for help, but call 800-656-HOPE and try to get help and if they are not helpful, call back later (when another volunteer is on call) or try that website centers.rainn.org and call other rape crisis and domestic violence centers in your area. Do not stop until you get another place to stay and the resources that you need to heal.

          YOU HAVE A WAY OUT, MAKE THOSE CALLS. DO NOT STOP UNTIL YOU HAVE ANOTHER PLACE TO SLEEP AND RESOURCES TO HEAL, DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.

  19. i was sexual abuse by boys at my school when i was thirteen i the boys gang rape me so bad i was not strong . i was a scared thirteen child who need her mother help to stop the abuse from happen in the first place the school she put me at had no teacher to stop the boys for raping me . the anger i have for mother is very strong because she said she was going to home school but she change her mind and sent me to that hell of a school to be gang rape by lots of different boys and she does not know want that did to me as a person it play mind games with my head as well as my soul .

    1. Hi Katherine,

      This is horrible not only should your mother have stopped this abuse, been appalled that it occurred, done everything to help you to heal, sought justice against the rapists but your school was also responsible for keeping the children in their care safe. Neither the school nor your mother was responsible or had compassion for a little 13 year old girl. That is wrong. Every child deservers to feel and be safe and protected.

      You have every right to feel angry. What loving caring mother would ever send her child back to a school where she was gang raped? Unfortunately it sounds like you have a very sick mother. If she knew you were gang raped and did nothing to keep you safe, I’m afraid that you have a cold and uncaring mother. I don’t think she cared what it did to you. Even if she pretends to be loving, those are not loving actions. By reading this you are not loosing a loving mother, only the illusion of a mother who cares because from what you wrote, she is neither loving or caring.

      But here is the good news. You can heal if you take action and you can have friends and a significant other all who really care and deeply love you. You will attract healthy people once you are healing.

      The first action you can take, if you are in Australia is to call 1800 737 732 (It’s the National Sexual Assault Hotline), they are there 24/7. but as always listen to your intuition, if the person is validating you are speaking with is helpful, keep talking with them but if you do not feel supported hang up and try again later. They should also have resources that can help you to heal and live a great life. The mind games that plague you can cease and your soul will feel whole and healthy again. They cannot truly hurt your soul because it is the essence of who you are, so innately it is whole but I can hear the pain that you are in now.

      The hotline should also be able to help you get a list of resources for healing. As I always recommend, interview therapists that you are thinking of working with and never do antidepressants or antipsychotics for healing, as they can cause suicidal ideation and depression as well as permanent liver and brain damage. All these common side effects have been documented by experts.

      Remember if you take action, you will heal and you will attract people who do care about you in your life and you deserve caring people in your life.

    2. Hi My Name Is Iris i’am 34yrs old now, By the age of 5… i was at a neighbors house. He was in his early teens i think! He took me to a room no one was home…(details edited out by blogger) I could hear my dad calling me by my name he told me to be quiet!!! to not say nothing at all to any one. And i did as he told me… May be 2-3 yrs past away, when I was in my room when my dads stepbrother went inside my room and he… (details edited out by blogger) I never told no one, By the age of Fifteen it came back to me I saw the first person who did this to me, I did not know how to react.by that time i had a boyfriend I told him and he wanted to beat the crap out of him I stop him, I did not want any problems. I also told him about my dads step brother. I told my mom by the age of 16 what had happend that my dad stepbrother did to me and she never did nothing!!!! Now I am married and just think about it, its really hard on me, I do have kids now, I just want them to go wat i went throug!!!! Want can i do? I did see my dad’s stepbrother may be 12 yrs ago. he could not look at me and i could not look at him all i fell is anger!!!!

      1. Hi Iris,

        It is horrible that that happened and even worse that your mother whose most important job is to support you and love you, did nothing. That is unacceptable. But the good news is that, even though you wrote “I just want them to go wat i went throug!!!!” I believe that you meant that you do not want your kids to go through what you went through. That means that you are a far better mother than your mother ever was. I think that because your mother is not supportive you should limit your children’s visits with her to supervised visits only, because she does not believe in protecting children from sexual assault; so there is no assurance that your children will be safe if you are not there to protect them.

        You have every right to be angry at your dad’s stepbrother, he is a pedophile and he assaulted you, that is not ok. Feeling your anger is part of the healing process. I would also like to invite you to reread your post, because when you start writing about the present, it looks like you check out a little (by writing shortened words and different words than what I believe you meant to write). That could be a sign of being scared of being present and in your body and could also be a sign of more repressed traumas.

        It is time for you to take time to heal yourself. Call the 1-800-656-HOPE hotline, tell them your story and see what kind of help is there for you in your area. As always, listen to your intuition, if the person that you are speaking with is not helpful, hang up. Try again later or go to http://centers.rainn.org/ and call another center. Keep calling until you get the support that you need. People can be nice but not helpful, so keep listening to your intuition. I also highly recommend not using any antidepressants or antipsychotics because they are toxic to the liver and they can make people become even more depressed and suicidal. You can lookup their side effects online, as I just mentioned a few. I truly believe that therapist who refer people for drugs, do not have the tools to help the people, which is why they refer people to psychiatrists.

        Take the action, take the time you need to heal and you can have a great life.

  20. (Edited by Blogger to remove details that could traumatize survivors. My bar for what is graphic is very low, so please do not be offended.)
    Ummm hey
    I was sexually abused from the ages of 5/6 to 8 by my oldest half-brother(13/14 to 16). I don’t remember being raped but it was possible. I have lots of, what I believe to be, half memories of things that happened: i can remember the start and sometimes the end but never anything in between. I told my two best friends about it a few years ago (i was 14) and then my boyfriend 4 or 5 months into our dating (we’ve been dating for 9 mnths and I’m 16 now). My mother was warned by therapists when I was younger that I would either have really bad mental problems or I would be really curious about everything intimate and sexual etc. As far as I’ve worked out I don’t have either majorly but at the same time I still have nightmares etc and some trust issues. I also have some intimacy issues with my boyfriend: …(edited by blogger) I love him and he loves me so there’s not an issue there.
    I don’t talk to my brother nor does he talk to me after my father kicked him out and told him to go and live with his mother (my father and his mother split and then my father got married to my mother). My brother hasn’t shown any remorse but I’ve forgiven him which has got my boyfriend really upset.
    So i guess i’ve just got a few questions:
    1. Is it good or bad I can not remember anything?
    2. Is the stuff I have nightmares about just events my brain has blown up or did they actual happen and are hidden in my subconscious?
    2. I have mental problems but why can I still…(edited be intimate with) my boyfriend?
    3. (Edited because too graphic)
    4.Is it wrong that I forgave my my older brother when he sexually abused me when i was younger?

    Thanks a bunch 🙂

    1. Hi Beth,

      I am so sorry to hear about your abuse. Every time that I read a story, so many feelings and thoughts come up but what I also see is the strength that each survivor has to speak up, write their story and ask for help. Every person who survives has a great strength that helped them to get through such atrocities. Though no human being should ever have to go through any type of abuse, it is wrong.

      The therapist(s) that your mother spoke with when you were little were simply bad therapist(s). Unfortunately there are a lot of bad therapists out there. A good therapist would have helped you to heal so that you would have suffered none of the side effects from being abused. If they did not have the tools to help you to heal, then the therapist(s) that spoke with your mother should have found a good therapist with the tools to help you to heal rather then just giving a future diagnosis. The good news is that you still can heal.

      Answer to your questions:
      “Is it good or bad I can not remember anything?”
      The way that the body often deals with extreme trauma is to repress the memories of the abuse. The fact that there are parts of the abuse that you cannot remember simple says that you experienced some very bad abuse. It is neither good nor bad that you cannot remember. That being said, by the body repressing the memories, it is also repressing emotions that will tend to pop out in your daily life. Such as the experiences that you are having with your boyfriend. Also I would look at every time that you experience an intense emotion, such as possibly rage, depression, panic attacks, etc (I am not saying that you are experiencing all of these but only giving examples of extreme emotions) that those are also emotions from the past abuse popping out in the present. I would read the article “What to do When You Feel Triggered” http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ This article will help you with being triggered and also help you to recover some repressed memories.

      ‘Is the stuff I have nightmares about just events my brain has blown up or did they actual happen and are hidden in my subconscious?”
      I know that dreams are frequently symbolic but I am not sure if they can be literal repressed memories. I will do more research on this and get back to you.

      “I have mental problems but why can I still…(edited be intimate with) my boyfriend?”
      I would refrain from labeling yourself with “mental problems”. This term is neither empowering or healing. What specifically are you suffering from, such as panic attacks, etc and could you relabel it as your body coping with the trauma until you can fully detox from the trauma? By using the term “mental problems” you are not being kind to yourself but instead you are identifying with yourself as damaged goods, but since you can heal, but since you are reaching out for help, the first step in healing, you are merely starting the process of complete healing. I would also try to only surround yourself with people who support you in healing without labeling you as a person with “mental problems”. At first this might be hard because you may have only surrounded yourself with people who want to see you as the “identified patient”.*

      An “identified patient” is the person in a sick family system who the entire family calls sick so that they do not need to look at their own issues. If you have a brother who raped you, then you had a sick family. The question must also be asked who raped your brother? Almost always people who rape have been raped and did the person who raped your brother also have access to you? Why didn’t your mother try and get you help or was she also checked out? Why did she settle for such a messed up answer that the therapist(s) gave her?

      As regards to being intimate with your boyfriend, different things can trigger different memories, so each time you are triggered it is a guide to a repressed memory or repressed emotion.

      “Is it wrong that I forgave my my older brother when he sexually abused me when i was younger?”
      Forgiveness is not a must for healing. It is your choice, however frequently people forgive as way to stuff down their memories and emotions. Please read my post “Do I Need to Forgive to Heal?” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/do-i-need-to-forgive-to-heal-from-abuse/ There is no need to make yourself wrong for what you have already done. The most important thing is that you heal. Forgiveness is your choice not your boyfriend’s choice, but it is not all important to your healing. Your healing is about being good to yourself and detoxing from the abuse.

      Know that you can heal, if you take action to do so. If you are in Australia you can call 1800 737 732 or go to http://www.nswrapecrisis.com.au/ Take action, you can call them 24/7 or anytime you feel triggered. As always, if the person you are talking with is not helping you, even if they are being nice, hang up and try again later. Keep reaching out for help until you gat good help. Know that volunteers on the hotline can vary. Some can be great and others not so great. Also it looks like there are some counseling centers that are likely free. I would be cautious and stay away from antidepressants or antipsychotics, because according to experts and their side effects label, they can cause great harm and only covered up emotions that you need to detox from not stuff back down. I personally feel that if a therapist refers someone for medication what they are really saying, is that they do not have the tools to help you to heal.

      Feel free to write back with any updates or questions and you can make up for your mother not getting you the help you needed by getting yourself the help you need.
      *The term “identified patient” is from “Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem” by John Bradshaw

  21. (Post edited by blogger so as to not trigger any survivors with descriptions)

    Thank you Amy and everyone else for sharing their stories, I actually cried reading a couple of them because I can relate.
    I don’t believe I was raped, I don’t think it went that far but I was molested by my brother and my uncle.

    It started when I was very young, and I have some foggy memories from them,
    I believe it started with my uncle. I remember specifically one time when I was around 5 or 6 maybe. I stayed at my grandparents house. I remember one night waking up and seeing my uncle next to me in my bed touching me… I wasn’t really understanding what was happening but i know I didn’t like it. Later on he would appear at my house unexpectedly saying that he was just visiting us. He would pick me up and…anyone noticing.
    I still see him around, He’s doing very bad in life. He’s getting a divorce, he’s living with my grandmother, he’s an alcoholic and he has no money. he has two kids; a boy and a girl.
    I personally don’t want anything to do with that man, I think I might even hate him. I don’t even care about his kids, secretly I’m glad this is happening to him.
    I know this is kind of mean from my part, but I can’t seem to forgive him. I think that there’s a chance I might but not right now.
    No one in my family knows about this; in fact, this is the first time in my whole life that I’m talking (or writing) about this.

    The issue with my brother is a complicated one. Unlike my uncle, I think my brother was just experimenting. He’s 5 years older and I want to say this happened probably when I was around 7 or 8. I love my brother to death (sibling love). I don’t think I could ever hate him. He would not touch me but he would just be on top of me and just start grinding. Or the opposite way,…

    After reading some of these stories I started to realize I had some of the same “symptoms” or “issues” they had when they were kids.
    I have trust issues.
    I’ve never masturbated but I have, and I actually still do watch porn, a lot…
    there was one time where I was going to have sex for the first time and I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel anything kind of emotion towards it. Intimacy freaks me out and that’s one of the reasons…I’m afraid to touch and explore myself…
    Just the thought of having sex scares me.

    Well, this is my story.
    Like I said I’ve never told anyone this and I don’t think I’m ready to do it, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready because I know this would completely destroy my mother and father.
    I just wanted to share this because reading those surviving stories inspired me to write mine. I know is not that intense like others I’ve read but it’s still something that I have to live with.

    1. Hi Cristina,

      I consider being molested the same as being raped. A person’s body has been sexually violated, it is horrifying to anyone that this happens to, and extremely horrifying to a child. Whether or not an exact organ was violated in a certain way, to me it is still a rape. And there still may be things that you have yet to remember.

      Frequently foggy memories from later in childhood can be a sign of repressed abuse memories. Shame on your uncle, what he did was so wrong. Your uncle is a pedophile, any adult who gets off on abusing children sexually and abusing their power like that can be considered a pedophile and should be ashamed of themselves. I do however feel bad for your uncles children because the chances are vert slim that they were not sexually abused but whether or not they have gone on to become abusers, I have no idea. I would search your unconscious mind and see why you are angry at his kids. There may be a good reason for that.

      I also recommend that you read “Do I Need To Forgive To Heal?” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/do-i-need-to-forgive-to-heal-from-abuse/ because I strongly believe that you do not need to forgive to heal. I think that frequently people pushing forgiveness, are very misinformed and sometimes have their own agendas.

      If your brother was experimenting like that, there is a good chance that someone else may have assaulted your brother before he began “experimenting” with you. For him to be sexual with such a little girl, you being 8 years old and him being 13, really leads me to believe that someone had sexually assaulted him also. A child his age, if he were experimenting, should be experimenting with other children closer to his age and not his 5 years younger sister. I am no means inferring that you should hate your brother, but figuring out why he was doing that to you could give you some more clues as to other things that happened to you as a child. You also need to understand that although you were being assaulted as a child, you body could have had good feelings, because that is how bodies react to that sometimes but just because your body mat have had some good feelings, it does not minimize the terror and confusion that a child feels when they are being violated. Did you ever talk with your brother about this? If he apologizes that is a good sign but if he says something like you liked it as much as me, that would be a bad sign.

      Of corse you have trust issue, but as you do more healing you will learn to listen to your intuition and learn who you can and cannot trust. You are probably watching porn to subconsciously validate all of the confusing sexual experiences that you had or to go back to the place of being numb. Do either of those seem right to you? If not, what are your thoughts on that?

      Of course intimacy freaks you out, look at your experiences. You were intimately violated as a little girl. Being intimate probably brings back those feelings and memories of abuse. But know that you can heal. Writing your story is your first step. It shows that you have courage to speak your truth. Telling your story should not destroy your parents because, if they are healthy parents, they should have consciously or unconsciously, picked up on what was happening to you. It should make them feel very sad or very angry and want to do whatever they can to help you. That is the healthy response, if they blame you or tell you to forgive and forget, etc., that is an unhealthy response and you may need to dig deeper. It is not your job to keep your uncle’s secret. And who molested your uncle when he was a little boy? And has that person also molested you and your uncle’s siblings when they were little?

      It is important not to minimize your story because it was awful and it still effects you today. Everyone’s story is a story of their own pain and their own triumph. Another great tool for healing is the article “What To Do When You Feel Triggered”
      http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ it will give you resources to help with healing and dealing with those hard feelings that pop up in your life.

      Please remember that if you take action, you will heal. I highly recommend that you call 1-800-656-HOPE. It will connect you to a local rape crisis line, who is staffed by volunteers that are there to help people like you. Call them. If the volunteers that you talk with are not helpful and do not make you feel empowered, hang up and try again later or go to http://centers.rainn.org/ and find another center to call.

      Your local rape crisis center might also have free counseling for people who had been molested as children. But still when looking to work with a counsellor, listen to your intuition and check in with yourself to see if they seem supportive. If you are in counseling for a while and still do not see improvement in your life, change to a counsellor who is helpful. I personally do not believe in chemical imbalance frequently counsellors will blame it on chemical imbalance but most likely it is that you need to get a counsellor with the tools to help you. A counsellor or therapist can be a very nice person but still not have the tools to help you.

      I do believe that you need to take action. So make that call now, it’s time to do that for yourself. Do not minimize your abuse, that others had it worse, as an excuse not to call. The call should be anonymous and you can ask when you get connected if the call is anonymous. It’s the next step.

      I am sure that your story will inspire others, just like other people’s stories have helped you.

      Feel free to check back, with comments, questions, etc. And remember that you will heal, if you take action. Since you have the strength to write your story, I believe that you have the strength to make that call.

  22. (Post edited by blogger, because it was too grahoic and could traumatize survivors)

    HI, i am not sure that this is the place i need to be, but I am searching for help and for answers. I am 35 years old and have been married to my husband now for almost 9 years. My husband …(is very sexual)….He would ask to have sex with me and for whatever reason, I would say no, there were times I did not feel well and times i was just not interested. I was also on antidepressent medications which lowers your… Anyway, he would ask to have sex, I would say no and he would get frustrated with me. His frustration would grow until it turned into anger and I would give in to him. This has gotten worse over the years.

    At this point, I have been telling my husband that I do not want to have sex again for the rest of my life. I have told him this numerous times i have told him this in front of other people, including a marriage counselor. I have horrific nightmares…(about him being violent with me and trying to harm me)….I dont want people touching me, even my mother. She asked if she could hug me the other day and I said no. I have two children and there are times when they are just too close to me. Now my husband says that having sex is a normal expectation of marriage and I understand and agree with that. i do not feel safe with him though. He has an angry temper and I feel forced to do things I just do not want to do. I have literally forced my thoughts and “head” elsewhere so that I am not feeling/experiencing what is happening.

    so what would this be called? I am married to him, there is an expectation of sex, but I have stated numerous times that I do not want to have sex ever. I feel forced and guilted into having sex with him. what do I do? there have been times when I have felt suicidal because that is my only way out of this. please someone help me.

    1. Hi Tammie,

      I chose to approve your post because if you are forced or coerced under the threat of his anger to have sex, that is rape. You do not deserve to be treated like this, its understandable that you would be considering suicide if you are in a tremendous amount of pain but there are better options and if you call 1−800−799−SAFE (a national domestic violence hotline) they can help and also get you to a local resource center if you prefer that. Make sure that you call from a non-monitored phone and are using a non-monitored computer, spouses in these situations frequently monitor both. When you are speaking with the hotline, check in with yourself about if you are feeling supported and heard, if so know that you are taking the right action to heal. If not, ask for a local center to call or call again later. Sometimes at the same places there are very helpful people and not very helpful people.

      Being with a spouse who has an anger issue and coerces you to have sex, is domestic violence. It is easy to minimize that if you have not been hit, then you are not suffering from domestic violence but that is simply not true. Your nightmare showed that you are fearing for your life. If you are fearing for your life then you are in a domestically violent relationship.

      If you did not have a problems with getting hugs before this, then your issues come from this. If you have always had a problem with hugs then there could be some abuse that you have yet to remember. You going somewhere else could possible be a sign of other abuse, especially if you found yourself doing that before you met him or all of your life.

      Saying yes to sex when you have been forced or manipulated to do so is not really saying yes to sex. It is being coerced into sex and being coerced into sex can be considered being raped.

      Suicidal thoughts can come from the situation that you are in and when you get help and start to heal, it can help you to feel better also.

      It is important to note that the side effect of all antidepressants and antipsychotics on the market is suicidal ideation. They always state that the new drugs are better than the older ones but unfortunately studies have shown them to be just as harmful once they have been on the market for a while. But you should never go off of any drugs quickly and you should always have a doctor’s supervision. It is also important to note that according to experts when you are going off the drugs your detoxing from the drugs can have you looking like you have chemical imbalance, when it is actually the drugs detoxing. Paxil even has “severe discontinuation syndrome” written on the side effect label. Meaning bad withdrawals but all of them can have that as a severe side effect. Unfortunately many doctors do not even know about the withdrawal symptoms and frequently misdiagnose withdrawals for chemical imbalance which has been talked about by experts such as Dr. Loren Mosher. A great article about these drugs is at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo

      You can heal from this as long as you take action to heal from this. You have the strength to reach out for help and write this, so you definitely have the strength to make that phone call.

      Feel free to write back with any questions or updates.

  23. Hi, I’ve always had a feeling something happened to me but didn’t want to fill in my child hood memories with “false memories” or fill-ins I’ve imagined. I was wondering if you had any tips on how to practice “remembering”.

    As a child 3ish i have a flashback of one of my neighborhood kids pulling my pants down and asking to have sex. I know in that moment nothing happened, but my siblings (kidding around and thinking it was a game) always laughed and said they would play with me and the other kid like we were both dolls and put us on top of each other to see if we would do anything. I know those kids had issues and I have a vague memory of a dark room and being forced upon, but It’s only a piece of the moment, I dont recall any intercourse and I’m worried that if I try too hard ill -just make it up. Any tips? (I do want to remember) – I am uncomfortable with physical touch and have never been comfortable with sex, other than being brought up in an extremely rigid family, I think I need to look into other reasons for why I am so emotionally disturbed. (depressed, self harming, suicidal, anti social, anxious)

    Thanks

    1. Hi Harmony,

      If you have the feeling that something happened, believe yourself that it is coming from an honest place deep inside of you from a part of you that knows something happened. You must listen to that part of you deep inside. My blog post called “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ has some exercises that can help to recover memories and detox from the trauma of those memories.

      It is important to note that the concept of “false memories” was started by four people who were accused of being pedophiles as a way to make their accusers look crazy. It is also important to note that two of the founders Holida Wakefield and Ralph Underwater thought that pedophilia was a good thing. Ralph Underwater said “Paedophiles can boldly and courageously affirm what they choose. They can say that what they want is to find the best way to love. . . . Paedophiles can make the assertion that the pursuit of intimacy and love is what they choose. With boldness they can say, “I believe this is in fact part of God’s will.” (to see more of how sick Ralph Underwater and Holida Wakefield who helped start the concept of “false memories” and to see the rest of their interview at http://nostatusquo.com/ACLU/NudistHallofShame/Underwager2.html)

      The False Memory Syndrome Foundation did a ton of media and sued a bunch of great therapists, who were helping survivors to heal by accusing those therapist of implanting “false memories”. The truth is that those therapist were helping survivors to remember their own memories without implanting any “false memories”. It has repeatedly been proven that people exposed to trauma may repress their memories and can recover their memories accurately. The study that was done to try and prove that you can have “false memories” was done using non-traumatic events. Since non-traumatic events are experienced differently than events repressed because of trauma, it was found to be an unreliable study.

      Many survivors because they do not want to believe that such atrocities happened to them will take back their stories, saying that they made them up (when in fact those atrocities really happened to them). If they lie to themselves saying that they made up those memories, then they get the illusion of a real loving family back. But what they are getting back is only an illusion. They will not be able to fully heal until they are honest with themselves.

      Now there is such a thing as cover memories but that is very different than false memories. A cover memory is when a survivor remembers something less severe than the actual event, such as thinking that the baby sitter raped them when it was actually the mother who raped them. It can also be purposely done to a survivor during extreme abuse, such as thinking Mickey Mouse raped them, when actually the rapist was dressed as Mickey Mouse, etc.

      You will not make up any memories, because your unconscious mind never forgot the trauma. Listen to your intuition, it will help you. Be willing to believe yourself. Stop being so scared that you will make things up, trust yourself. I believe that you may uncover why your family appeared to be so rigid. Really work with the exercise on the blog post I mentioned. What if instead of you being emotionally disturbed your body is instead trying to cope with the trauma that you have yet to remember.

      All of the “depressed, self harming, suicidal, anti social, anxious” can be signs of trauma trying to detox. Victims who are abused are sometimes taught to be self harming and suicidal and being anti social is a natural response to abuse as well as bring depressed and anxious. If you are taking anti depressants or anti psychotics can cause depression, suicidal ideation and extreme anxiousness. I am not sure if self harming and being anti social have been linked to the drugs.

      You might also try to take some time away from your family members and see if you feel better. What your siblings did with the doll thing is not a good sign. But I cannot say anything for sure. But if you take some time taking a break from talking to and hanging out with your family, more memories may surface more easily as well. Also if your family calls you crazy or nuts (even crazy in a good way) or something like that it is a way to disvalidate you and it is not ok.

      You can remember and through remembering and detoxing you can heal.

  24. (Some sexually explicit parts edited by blogger so as to not traumatize the readers)

    Hello my names Desiree, i am 17 years old. i had been sexually assaulted multiple times in my life , i dont really remember my childhood its a big blur to me , but i do remember some parts i started remembering at age 13, i remembering at age 13 i was acting weird like i knew what masturbation was but i never took sex ed in school , i used to masturbate to feel normal and i liked it while i masturbated i would fantasize about an old man…(edited) , then one night i had a dream , it was when my grandma was alive (my grandma passed away when i was 11) and i was sleeping at her house on the floor usually where i slept when i was there cause her house was small , then her boyfriend (not my grandpa) came out of his room and was looking at me i looked up at him and he told me to “shhhh” put his finger upto his mouth in a “be quiet” position then he walked into the kitchen and waved me in there , i remember being scared my heart started beating then i woke up out my dream , it was weird , it was something i knew was real i could feel it in my gut .

    Another night i had a dream that i was at my grandma’s house but my grandma wasnt there, her boyfriend came out the washroom naked with a washrag and i looked away and giggled then i noticed i was naked too and he washed…(me inappropriately (edited)) and then i woke up jumped out of bed so fast and just sat in the corner and cried rocked back in forth i was terrified i didnt know where these dreams where coming from, by that time i didnt want to remember my childhood, i dropped out of school i found anyway to not goto school , i masturbated more i noticed that when i did i got flash backs of what happened it was weird.

    i was addicted to masturbating at age 13, i started watching porn , i wasnt myself i didnt feel normal , i would cry out of nowhere , my attitude was getting worse my mom couldnt handle me i was running away staying out all night , by the age of 14 i was drinking alcohol and smoking weed to keep me from remembering my past cause i kept getting flash backs of getting raped by my grandmas boyfriend , in my flash backs i remember i liked it i loved it , i wanted to have sex again i havent had it since my grandma passed away ,

    then one night i finally had the courage to tell my mom about the memories i was getting , i got raped from the age 8-11 i assume cause thats the big chunk of my life thats still a blur to this day i remember some parts of getting raped , no one knew , he would rape me when no one was there .
    i goto counselling for my depression just recently at age 14 or 15 i was raped by a guy (not the same guy) i was drunk at a party i went to with my (so called friends) . me and one the girls fell asleep in the room together i awoke with a (edited) man ontop of me i was wasted i couldnt talk right i couldnt even walk straight , i went through charges with both men my grandmas boyfriend and that…(edited) guy from that night .

    but i recently got tooken away from my mom she lost custody of me and my siblings i went through depression i shut down i didnt talk to anyone , i cried myself to sleep at night , i flipped out on staff at the grouphome i stayed at , i had symptoms of being bipolar , i smoked weed everyday , i went through hell , i met girls in those grouphomes that sold their body for money so i started doing it i sold my body i thought it was normal , i started sniffing pills for my high cause they did , i noticed i couldnt get in a strangers car without being high , so i was high all the time ., i ran away from the grouphomes i ranaway not just one night i would go for weeks straight to a guys house that was paying me i was high/drunk the whole time i was there i didnt respect myself .

    i never told my mom anything i did when i was in a grouphome i am too scared i am ashamed of myself i feel disgusted of myself,

    i am currently living with my mom again though and life is better then what it was i have a straight mind , i am currently trying to graduate high school , i am more happy but my depression has worsened cause i think of the things i have done and what people have done to me i still can barely remember my childhood , but im starting to remember it slowly , like i said i am currently in trail cause i got raped by my grandmas boyfriend at ages 8-11 and that… (edited) guy from that one night , it took all my strength to do it and im terrified if they dont get convicted , but i can say i am a survivor of sexual assault and to this day i am helping girls that have been through it,

    i am helping girls that have suicidal thoughts and have tried multiple times i been there i done that i tried to kill myself 2 times one time when i was 13 and another when i was 15 i have harmed myself too about 3 months ago because i was depressed for a week straight i thought life wasnt worth living so now to this day i have to look at that scar on my wrist till if fades out my life . i am getting help for my depression and my anxiety , nervousness, and anger these are all my symptoms i got diagnosed with after i found out the truth about my grandmas boyfriend it has worsened when that…(edited) guy raped me and when i started selling my body.

    but today i am trying my best to keep my mind clear i do not get high anymore or drink im trying my best to do better things in my life thanks for reading this it is a help to get these things off my shoulders sometimes and thanks for this blog cause i like to know i have people i can relate to . i knew my grandmas boyfriend my whole life i trusted him he took something away from me i can never get back but i did forgive him not for himself for myself so i can live a better life and have a open mind of what im doing . everyone of you , you can get through this i am slowly its hard i know but keep trying it gets better . i didnt think it would get better but it does cause i tried , as you can see i gave up for a bit i didnt have self respect . i learned the hard way and i dont want to see girls go through the rough way like i did cause its not fun.

    1. Hi Desiree,

      Not remembering parts of your childhood is very common when there is a lot of sexual assault and other types of abuse that has occurred. Quite often the memories can come back to survivors in their dreams or when survivors have verbal or written Freudian slips. Survivors can also spacely say or write things thinking it is an unconscious error when in fact they are telling their truth. It is part of their unconsciousness, trying to become conscious.

      It is not at all unusual for survivors of sexual assault, when they are being sexual to remember the abuse or have flashbacks, because the sexual feelings may have occurred to them even if the abuse was extremely painful. Any feelings can cause repressed memories to occur.

      You were trying to normalize the abuse by watching porn, masturbating, etc. And by running away, you may have been trying to stay away from the awful feelings that were coming up. It happens that a person’s body will react to being assaulted, because it has been touched, which can “feel good” and yet horrible at the same time. But in truth it is all horrible but that “good feeling” can be confusing to survivors.

      I am so sorry to hear that there was no support at the group home, that you felt like you had to sell yourself. There should have been groups to help you to heal from what happened to you, not opportunities to sell yourself. I do not believe in bipolar, what if you are instead detoxing the emotions from the abuse, by feeling the extreme emotions, such as anger but the anger is triggered by current events and releases some of the past emotions, so after the release you feel the euphoria, but since you did not allow yourself to release the original event by remembering it and caring for your inner child who had been hurt by that event, you once again get triggered by an unconscious event and it looks bipolar. Read “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ I think it will be very helpful.

      You have to remember, that you still have the right to be angry, whether or not the court system works. You need to know that you are very strong, strong that you were able to tell your truth, no matter what happens in court. Sometimes the court is just, other times it is not. It could be helpful to get a victim’s advocate and one who is truly supportive of you. Someone who can help you through the process. You may be able to get an advocate through the police department or if not try going to http://rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources and calling the numbers in your country (It is an old list so some numbers may be disconnected.

      It is also important to know that if you are taking prescription drugs, they can cause suicidal ideation and depression (it’s written on the side effects label along with tons of other horrible side effects. Also if you are on those drugs and choose to go off them, you should really find a healthcare or alternative healthcare provider to help you get off of them and it must be done slowly. When you are withdrawing from the drugs you may have extreme emotional and physical reactions, which is from the withdrawals from the prescription drugs. Many not very educated doctors think that this proves that survivors have a chemical imbalance because they are educated by the drug reps about the drugs and their “safety” and not the non-biased scientific studies. Unfortunately because of the pharmaceutical industries influence, they are able to get some biased studies published. A great article about the sugar pill effect and problems with antidepressants and antipsychotics http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo

      Do not believe that new drugs are better, new drugs have yet to have as many side effects reported.

      It is great that you are using your experiences to help others, I think it can be empowering to help others who have been through what we’ve been through. Again the emotions that you are going through can be side effects of the drugs if you are on any prescription drugs for emotions. It can also be side effects from the abuse that you suffered. You may want to try to do the exercises in this post called “What to Do When You Feel Triggered” http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ also calling the hotline mentioned above can also help. Always remember when reaching out for help, that if the help is not helpful, try again later or try another hotline. Calling advocates or therapists can make you feel empowered or disempowered. If it makes you feel disempowered hang up.

      It is horrible having your trust betrayed, but he cannot take who you innately are away. You are an innately good person, that cannot be taken away, no one can take away who you really are. Do not listen to forgiveness pushers. People who think that you will heal only if you forgive. I would also read Do I Need to Forgive to Heal From Abuse? at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/do-i-need-to-forgive-to-heal-from-abuse/ I think it could be very helpful. It shows your strength that you are writing your truth, taking the perpetrators to court and helping others.

      You need to know that if you take actions to heal and listen to your intuition, your life will get better. You need to interview any therapist that you are going to see, to find out if they will be a good fit. Do they make you feel empowered or disempowered? A good therapist will make you feel empowered, like you are in charge of your own healing, they are just giving you tools and external feedback to help you to heal. Bad therapists can make you feel worse. And from what I have heard from other survivors, if your therapists (only refers to psychiatrists and doctors) has prescribed drugs and you tell them that you don’t want to take them anymore, many survivors have literally seen their therapists throw temper tantrums. The more you heal, the more you will inspire others to heal.

      You need to know that if you take action and work with good and helpful therapists, counselors, etc and you will get better.

  25. (This post has been edited some of the details so as not to traumatize any readers. Edits will appear with … or in parentheses)

    I am now 24 years old and have been struggling with the fact that I was sexually molested as a teen. around when I was 12 I would be outside mowing the lawn, one day my step dad left the blinds open while he was masterbating. Out of curiosity and not understanding what it was I watched until the end. That was the first time I had seen …(this). He is my step dad but had been there since I was around 7 years old. I guess after that he knew I saw him so he would leave the blinds open and say “can u see me?”

    And I would say no and he would say good even though he knew i could and I’d keep mowing. This happend quite often and then we moved and it stopped briefly. Then after we settled when I was around 13 I would come home from school and he would be home from work. My mom didn’t get home until 2 hours after I got home from school. He would tell me to come sit in his lap and he would act like he was hugging me but he…(wasn’t). If I would try to get away he would say no no no and put more pressure on them so id always sit back so it wouldn’t feel so bad.

    Then he progressed to coming into my room or the living room after taking a shower… He would ask me…(to do things)….he also…(would try do other innapropriate things to me)

    i always hated going home and dreaded seeing his car there…i told some friemds and my BF who is now my husband but made them sware not to tell so they didn’t, all of this went on until I was 15. My mom got pregnant and I was getting so close to telling her. He was so controlling and demanding when she was home and she would always tell me to stop being so mean cause he had done so much for me..which would enrage me because of what he did.

    The last time I remember I walked in and he was in the recliner pretending to b asleep…..so I backed up and went into the kitchen and made lots of noise so that hopefully he would stop but he didn’t so I went to my room..a little while later he came in and said oh I didn’t know u came home and I angrily said ya sure u didn’t

    he did one more thing after that, I got home from school as usual and he was in the bedroom, he had the door cracked and (he) was…..I tested him and said can I come in and he said ya and I went outside, I have no idea what he would have done if I went in there

    any way my mom got pregnant and I didn’t want to burden her with this so I finally fronted him and said I know what your doing and he was like what, as I said it again and he broke down crying and said I don’t know why I did it, [it had gotten less and less after my mom found out they were having a baby] I told him I wasn’t going to tell my mom cause of the baby an also my real dad was an abusive alcoholic and beat my mom and I didn’t want her to get hurt again…I told him if I ever though he touched the baby I would kill him and he said that would never happen and he was so sorry.

    He asked what he wanted me to do and I said to back off and stop bossing me around and stop being strict and acting like a horrible father and he said ok. It stopped after that an he backed off. I was sitting in the chair one day after mom had had my baby brother and she said the whole back off him and somehow it all came flying out…she was mad I didn’t tell her and hurt and disgusted.

    I told her I didn’t want her to call the cops cause when he acted liked dad I loved him..I always felt bad for that but I did. In the long run she staid with him and my little brother is happy and has no clue and has a perfect life. I also didn’t want my little brother to grow up without afar her like I did or to grow up knowing of such horrible things…I have a very good relationship with him now, which I don’t understand why…I guess because I forgave him..he turned around and got back into church..but the memories are still there and I want to talk to a counselor because I think it is the underlining problem of my food addiction but I’m afraid that if I tell the story that they will have to call CPS because my brother is a minor. Does anyone know if this is true, even though I and my mother know this is not happening to him it anyonelse and he is better?

    1. Hi Shauna,

      It is time that you need to put taking care of yourself over everyone else, including your stepdad.

      I am so sorry to hear what your stepdad did to you. He knew it was not ok, which is why he only did it when your mother was not around. Shame on him. I am afraid that I would only believe that he has healed from being a perpetrator, if he has done things to heal from being a perpetrator. There is an extremely slim chance that he has healed, but what you are describing is repeated pedophile behavior and it appears that he only apologized when he got caught and you confronted him. He never approached you first apologizing for abusing you and asking what he could do to make amends, possibly also saying that he is getting help so that it will never happen again?

      How do you know that he is not abusing other 12-year-old girls or possibly boys. Maybe you are older than he is attracted to. You don’t have to settle for scraps. This being said, you can still hold onto the good memories but I would try seeing what it is like not hanging around him for a while. Your inner child, most likely hates being around him because he did really scary things to you and another part of your inner child is probably desperately holding onto him as her daddy. You need to nurture your scared inner child.

      By your mother’s reaction, it sounds like you have a great and caring mother. It is not your job to protect her, it is your job to be comforted by her. It is so important not to protect the perpetrator, though whether you choose to go to court is up to you.

      Unless your stepdad goes for good help or has gotten good help, which is very hard to find, even for non-perpetrators, how can we know that he is not abusing anyone else? His word does not really mean anything, because he hid his sexual assault of you from your mother. Your mother had no idea that he was abusing you, is it possible that you have no idea that he is abusing someone else?

      The best way to protect your mother and your brother is to speak your truth and realize who your stepdad really is. Just because a person is going to church does not mean that they are not active perpetrators. (Look at all of the cases of sexual assault that has been happening inside of the church).

      Also he should pay for all of your therapy and not as hush money. Make sure that he does not try to attend your therapy sessions, because most likely you will then become the person identified with the problem not him. It is his job to get his own therapist, so don’t let him try and see yours (which would also be inappropriate behavior, even if he is paying for your therapy.)

      Other than going to church and having a “good relationship” with him now, what has he done to heal?

      There is no way to be sure that your stepdad will not abuse your brother because he has done it before.

      This is not your secret, it is his secret, even if a part of you loves him, you need to stop protecting him.

      Food addiction is a frequently response to sexual assault. Right now you are choosing to protect the man who assaulted you over getting help for yourself. Be good to yourself, reach out for help. You can try calling the 800-656-hope and talk with them, I believe if you are anonymous, then nothing will happen, and I believe that most hotline that connect to that number are anonymous. They can also most likely help you find a good counselor, that might also be free or sliding scale. Please take care of yourself, you are the victim who needs help but you are spending more energy on protecting your stepdad than you are on healing yourself. You are the most important person, so it is time to treat yourself that way.

      Always remember when calling a hotline or looking for a counselor, to listen to your intuition, if they do not seem like they are helpful, hang up the phone. I always interview counselors over the phone and then in person before I will see them. If its not a good fit, I keep looking.

      You can heal from the food addiction but you need to put yourself first. You showed your strength, first by testing your stepdad and then walking away and second by confronting him. It is now time to use your strength to heal yourself.

  26. My name is Mayra I’m 19 years old i got pregnant at 16 and after i had my son my childhood memories from when i was abused came back to haunt me. I dont know how to begin with what happened to me growing up, I began getting abused at 5-6 years old i cant really remember much from that age only certain things. My father stopped abusing me at 14 years old after I told my mom. The sad thing is she didnt leave him. I remember her being very angry and crying she was going to leave him but i remember me telling her not to that i forgive him. but i was only 14 i didnt know how bad it would affect me later on in life. she should’ve made the decision for me but i guess she was to ignorant to do that. I love my mom but at the same time i hate her because she is still with him not so long ago he abused my sister which was 13 at the time now she is 15 he tried to touch her she told my mom but she still didnt leave him she only got mad and cried again and kicked him out for a few days he never tried to touch her or me after that. but i still fear he will try again recently he asked for my forgiveness and got on his knees. i said i forgive you but i dont want you to be a part of my life. He criedi remember my mom telling me about his childhood it was terrible worse than the one i lived. growing up. at 17years old i dated a guy i really care about he helped me escape my past but for some reason i couldn’t love him right 🙁 and i lost him because of that. and it cause me to be even more angry at my parents so i moved out with my sons dad he knows my situation and he helps me with everything i need hes a good man and wants to be with me but i cant love him nor anyone. maybe its my past i dont know. everyday i hurt everyday i suffer why cant this end why cant i move on and forgive and forget i pray to our lord to help me everyday 🙁 but i cant heal please help someone i feel like im drowning. My son is the only thingthat helps me hes with me know and im currently in college its so hard to keep going but i cant stop because i promise he is going to have a way better life than i did. i just need help thats why i chose to write

    1. Hi Mayra,

      Do not blame yourself for telling your mother not to leave your father. You’re right that she should have made the decision to leave him anyway, as your mother that was her job. She needed to have the strength to leave a pedophile. It is fine to love and hate your mother, because that os how you fee. It was her job to protect you and she did not. And of course a part of you wanted your parents to stay together, but deep down inside another part of you wanted to get away from the person who raped you.

      He obviously is not sorry for being a pedophile because he is actively trying to assault your sister. You do not need to forgive your father to heal. Please read “Do I Need to Forgive to Heal From Abuse?” at http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/do-i-need-to-forgive-to-heal-from-abuse/

      Good for you far telling him to not be a part of your life, that is very healthy and shows your strength. You also may want to consider calling a rape crisis line and talk with them about tools for healing and also how to protect your sister and other innocent children. As you see, pedophiles do not stop abusing children, they just stick to children in the age group that they are attracted to. You father may have begged for your forgiveness because he was scared that you night turn him in for what he is doing to your sister. He obviously is not sorry about abusing children or he would stop and get help.

      His having an awful childhood does not justify his assaulting children. If he was getting help to heal from his childhood that would be another thing but he is just using his horrible childhood as an excuse to continue sexually assaulting children.

      When you heal, you will be able to love yourself and because you love yourself, you will be able to love others more deeply and have healthy relationships.

      When you forgive and forget, you are actually stuffing all of those feeling and memories back inside. This causes those feelings and memories to fester and scream even louder to be heard. Instead I recommend that you release the emotions and memories and that will help you to heal. Again I recommend reading the post “Do I Need to Forgive to Heal?” It has a bunch of great tools that will help you to heal.

      I highly recommend that you call 800-656-HOPE and they will connect you to a local rape crisis hotline where you can talk about what is going on now and make plans an what you can do to heal. Many rape crisis centers have free counselling for survivors. If they are not helpful then go to http://centers.rainn.org/ and start calling other rape crisis centers. Keep reaching out for help until you find helpful help. I recommend keeping a list of the number you called and who you talked to who was helpful and not helpful. I would also look into counselling for healing. I would interview the counsellor first and see if they have tools that seem helpful to you. As always, I would personally away from antidepressants and antipsychotics, the best article on that is at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo

      I also believe that going to a bad counsellor or therapist can make you worse instead of better whereas going to a good counsellor or therapist can be invaluable.

      If you take action to heal from the abuse, you will heal and have a great life. I truly believe that part of your taking action to heal should also include helping to get your sister to in a safe living situation. As I stated above the rape crisis hotline should (if you talk to a helpful person) be able to help you with that also. It sounds like from your post that your son already has a much better and stronger mother and father than you ever had. Feel free to post any updates and progress with healing to give other survivors hope.

    2. Dear Mayra, the exact same thing is happening to me,, only a slight difference, it was my step-dad who sexually abused me when I was 9 years old. I spoke out to my mother when I was 12, unfortunately my step-dad was around when I told her. I felt sympathy for him and my mother asked me if she.should go to the police of course being me feeling sorry for.my abuser I said no. Looking back now she is still with the same man and I’m 16 now, I don’t know if I can ever come foward to the police on what happened to me, my mother should have.protected me and your mother should have supported you, it hurts me knowing my own flesh and blood could choose her boyfriend over her own child. I cannot stand,my mother she is a Dick loving scrag. And yes this is my mother I’m talking about the woman.who brang me into this.world, and she can take me out. I’m building up courage to take them both down and I will be.confronting both of them . Then sending that pedophile fuck to jail in the process, be strong and be.true to yourself. Because in the end yourself is all you got, basically be your own bestfriend, you.neeed to lov.yourself and be a strong person before.you.gov to the police, I’m still trying to build up some courage and be true to myself. It will happen one day I hope you find yourself and find it in to to come toward to the police about.it, thanks.for listening, please.send me advice to Nicolekfuller@gmail.com. I would really appreciate it thank you 🙂

      1. Hi Nicole,

        It was and still is your mother’s job to go to the police, but since she will not go to the police, you can try calling 1800 424 017 or 1800 737 732 and they can help you to come up with a plan so that you can live in a safe place. If the hotlines are not helpful, hang up and try again later. Because there are different people on the hotlines at different times, some are fantastic, some are ok and some are awful, so do not get discouraged if you do not get help from the hotlines at first. There also might be other victims advocates who can help you. You do not need to be alone.

        It was not her job to ask a twelve year old girl if she should call the police and by having your stepfather there when she asked you was absolutely inappropriate. It set you up to make it harder to say “Yes, call the police”. Even if he is no longer assaulting you, you should not be forced to live with a pedophile. Make that call and keep calling until you get the help you need. You had the strength to write this post and I believe that you have the strength to start by reaching out to the hotlines.

        You have every right to be furious at your mother. A real mother would have been furious that her husband could have done such a crime to her child. A real mother would have called the police and helped you to heal. A real mother would have gotten you away from the pedophile. But your mother is not a real mother.

        So make that phone call and keep calling until you get the help you need. You can and will heal, just keep taking action until you get the help and support that you deserve.

  27. (Some explicit descriptions edited by blogger. I also broke up into paragraphs, for easier reading)

    I am 18 years old. When I was 17 I learned that there was a possibility I could have been sexually abused because of the many symptoms I had as a child. I would use stuffed animal dogs and even sometimes my real dog to put there head down…there… (edited by blogger) I would do it for hours at a time and usually 3-5 times a day just whenever I was bored or had to take a nap. i was always confused as to why i had such an obsession.

    I have no memories of the sexual abuse only the after effects sexual abuse can cause. My mom told me that she and my father got a separation when i was 3 years old, at this time he took care of me for 7 months on his own. My mom told me my dad is a sex addict and always has been, he was always looking up porn and just doing whatever to be sexually satisfied, which makes me to believe its a great possibility that it start during this time. I was the only female person in the house and he was a sex addict soo……. put two and two together. I wasn’t old enough to change my own clothes or take my own baths or go to the restroom on my own so he had to be the one to help me with all this.

    I remember either me and my cousin or my neighbor i was good friends with would play hide and go seek with his little brother, while the little brother was hiding me and the boy would go into a closet pull our pants down and …(edited by blogger) I can only remember doing it once but apparently we did it often because the little brother opened the door and yelled mom there doing it again. i was younger than 7 not sure how old but i know i wasn’t any older than 7 years old. Curiosity is normal, but is that different?

    I remember a bunch of dream i used to have when i was little i remember them so easily because i had them a lot as a kid. I used to have a lot of dreams where i was trapped in a room and a friend or one of my younger sisters would be with me and we would be sitting on a bed a lone. Who ever the person was that was keeping us there had left and told us not to leave, the door wasn’t locked or anything we could have left at any moment but we were scared. I had several dreams like that. I also would have many dreams of me being sexual with some one or seeing someone naked in my dream and liking it or me walking through school naked and wanting to get boys attention and liking when they would talk to me and come close to me.

    I also recall being very young at least 5 or 6 and walking out to the dinner table to eat and it hurt really bad to walk because i was really sore down there and i could feel the aching pain and i still can right now when i remember back and i was teary eyed trying to hold in the tears but all i could think about was the pain.

    While i was 17 me and my boy friend were hanging out in his room and i was laying on his bed and he grabbed my hands put them on my chest and held them there so that i couldn’t move them ( he was trying to hold me down because i kept tickling him so he was going to tickle me back) and at that moment i had a flashback of my father being above me holding down my hands looking very serious and his other hand was free about to do something, when it ended that’s all i saw and i had a nervous breakdown, i literally became lifeless at that point i was watching myself from a distance it felt like because i had no control over my body. I fell to the floor and got into fetal position and began to rock back and fourth and cry, i did that for like 2 mins and then i stopped and started smiling and was happy and i started laughing and couldn’t stop no matter how hard i tried i was just laughing and my bf was freaking out asking me what was wrong, and then i would fall to the ground again and cry this cycle happened several times over the course of 10-15 mins that day, until my bf snapped me out of it.

    I had a flashback and it was like in that moment i was reliving the emotions that i felt, i was sad because he did something to me and then laughing and happy because i had to hide it. I always smiled as a kid all my teachers would write on my year book that they love my smile and to never stop smiling but i always felt like it was a reflex or an instinct. I also learned at the age of 14 that my dad had been emotionally abusing me my whole life and neglecting me. at the age of 15 i was still doing the stuffed animals thing but then it wasn’t as fun anymore and i decided i wanted to make a fantasy that would take the place of that which became my new obsession.

    The fantasy consisted of an older man coming up to me in a store and telling me im pretty while his younger brother was there ( he would usually be my age and would usually be a guy that i currently liked at school) and the older man would ask me to go to a party with him and i would say yes, he then would kidnap me, and at his home he would make me do things with him and it was like i enjoyed them but didn’t at the same time he would then rape me and i liked it but didn’t at the same time i didn’t like i said before. while this was happening me and the younger brother would get to know eachother and fall in love that type of thing. and i would just imagine this all the time and it would all feel so lifelike.

    Also my boy friend was telling me one day about different positions and stuff and when he described one i immediately became scared it was a familiar fear and i just burst into tear and started shaking and hyperventilating basically. I have a strong feeling my father sexually abused me but i don’t know if it went as far as rape, wouldn’t doctors be able to see that when i went for check ups as a child? Well i have 3 more months of school and then i will be moving out, which is a hard thing for me because i have been controlled for my whole life been told what to do and how to do it to the point i don’t know how to be my own person, simple things that people can do i don’t know how to do which tears me down, he still controls me even though im 18 and i am so afraid to say no sometimes but im going to move out, maybe then memories will come out when i have left the home i have always known? My boy friend went through the same thing as a kid, his dad sexually abused him and hit him and emotionally abused him and he said that he didn’t even remember stuff as it was happening until he was removed from that situation and then memories came to him. Man sorry this is so long lol.

    1. (Some details edited by blogger, so it does not traumatize other readers)

      i forgot to say that recently i had a dream that i was in walmart with my dad and my little sister who is 13 was there with her friend, my dad was in the back of the store and i started to run out of the store with strong fear as he was yelling for me to come back. I reached the parkinglot and all of a sudden he was right behind me and yelled for me and i turned around and he had a gun to my sister’s head and said if i leave he would kill her. I dropped to my knees and cried out ok i will stay whatever you want. he saw police running our way so he let her go and grabbed me and made me hide behind a car he made me put my hands under one of those pipe things under the car and it was literally burning my skin and i could feel it even after the dream was over even right now and i said please this hurts stop and he said its ok just keep it there and i was still crying saying no stop. The police got closer and he ran the police didn’t notice and i didn’t want him to get away so i ran after him and caught up to him and pushed him and said how could you do that to me? how could you hurt me like that how could you sexually abuse me? and he started laughing and i became angry and started kicking him and pushing him and he kicked me so hard that i fell to the floor and just cried as he started to walk away and said your a piece of shit.

      I then had a dream in that same week i had that dream and i was at a party and had a really short dress on barely covering my butt. I went up to the boys and giggled and my dad showed up and pulled my dress up i had no underwear on and the boys stared at me and i loved the attention and my dad was on his knees just staring and smiling and i loved it.

      Then i woke up and i haven’t ever had dreams like these…… except for one time i had a dream where i went into the buys bathroom and it was like my room was in there and my dad came in and it just all felt so weird but that was less obvious. But i don’t know do those dreams mean something?

      I barely rememeber anything before i was 13, i remember little things here and there with my friend or my mom and sisters but the only things i remember about my dad are little faint memories where he would be yelling at me for something i did things like that but that’s pretty much it. My mom even told me that when i was 12 years old i went up to my dad and flashed him and said “Look im growing!!” all excited and everything, i have no recollection of that at all. but they seem to remember it like it was yesterday i was shocked because i thought i would never do that. My dad brought out casett tapes of me and my sisters when we were younger and i don’t rmember them at all i don’t remember those memories i was 5-7 in these videos and i don’t rmember any of them that might be normal but yeah. I have always had trouble with memory everytime my dad would yell at me and hurt my feelings i would go into my room right after and try to call my mom (my parents are divorced have been since i was 12) i wouldn’t remember exactly what he said i would always be like “um i don’t rmember exactly what he said but he was basically saying …”

      Anytime me and my sisters want something he says we need to save up our money to get it but we don’t get any money ever (my dad is rich basically but keeps all the money to himself and neglects us, by not taking us to the doctor, going to the dentist, getting clothes when we need them. but he feeds us and we live in a nice home) anyways he will say well if you tickle me i will give you some money. Tickling as in rubbing your finger tips or nails across there skin in a way to feel good not to laugh. So we would i can remember tickling him even when i was 7 years old. he will tell us to tickle him very very close to his pelvic region…(edited by bloger) I told my bf that a while ago and he told me that is weird and that it probably turns him on and i was like um no! it just feels good. so he did it on me and asked if it turned me on and i admitted yes and realized that he was right so i stopped doing that i was like almost 17. My sisters still do it though. it disgusts me. When we were little me and my sisters would tickle eachother like that and sometimes still do , but this part we don’t, i would get them to tickle my…(edited by blogger) and used to love it and when i was 11 almost 12 i was sleeping in a room with my sister who was 6 at the time and she started touching my boobs and i enjoyed it…(edited by blogger) by it until i realized how wrong it was and faught the urdge to keep doing it.

      My friend also when i was like 10 would sleepover in my room and she said she remembered that when she would come over and had to change i would stare at her and she would tell me to leave and i would but then i would peak in every 5 20 seconds or so. and i remember that.

      I also remember when i was little my dad would often tickle me (in the laughing way not feeling good way) and he would be on that line between leg and…(edited by blogger) i can rmember the last time he tickled me like that was when i was 15. And to this day my dad slaps me on the butt as he walks by and when i say stop he will come up to me and get close and be like oh you want me to what and he would start to pinch me playfuly on my…(edited by blogger). i have learned over the years that when you say stop he keeps doing it. One day my boy friend was over and he said that my dad looked at him like “this is mine” and slapped my butt really hard and walked off. I hate it when he does that.
      I just wanted to share everything i could remember with you because i don’t want to keep out anything that is important.

      1. You were definitely sexually assaulted by your father; his tickling you in private places is sexual assault. It is also a sign of sexual abuse that you forgot huge parts of your childhood, which is very typical for a survivor of sexual assault. Is there any way that you can not stay at your father’s house? There is no reason that you should have to subject yourself to his sexual advances, like the way he pats you on the butt to show sexual ownership of you and his not treating you with respect. Can you only stay with your mother or at a friend’s house?

        If there is no way out of staying at your father’s house, I would get a security lock on your door such as a Forceguard Portable Door Lock (or something like that) though that may make him try to rip down the door. But I would be creative in finding a way to avoid staying at his house at all, no matter what.

        I moved out of my parent’s house a few weeks before I graduated high school and moved into the dorms at Loyola. I had some money and I spent it all on getting out of my parent’s house and it was well worth the money. (It was long before I got my memories back about the sexual assault but what I never forgot was how mean my parents always treated me and they were also constantly freaking out about some small event. They were never nice to me.) I took two fun classes (class 1:working at the college radio station and class 2: Camping and Canoeing), just so that I could stay in the dorms. You could even get an apartment. If your school counselor is supportive, she may have other suggestions of places to stay. There is no reason to subject yourself to his abuse. Because you are now 18, you can even legally sign a lease, if you need to.

        It is abusive to not take your daughter to the doctor, dentist, etc, especially because he can afford to but just chooses not to. That is horrible. It is not at all unusual for pedophiles, which your father is, to not want to spend any money on their victims, which you are, unless they get something for it (something sexual).

        As a little girl and when you got older you were acting out abuse that was done to you using stuffed animals and animals. This is your unconscious mind trying to tell others and yourself, please help me, I am being sexually assaulted. The fact that your sister touched you means that she is most likely been assaulted also. I believe that there is a very good chance that there is a bunch of abuse and assaults that you have yet to remember. There is also a great chance that if you have any brothers, you’re father may have sexually assaulted them also. Even if in your conscious life he is disgusted by homosexuality.

        After you get help and get yourself out of this abusive situation, you may want to see what you can do to get your sister out of this abusive situation. Has your mother been supportive when you tell her about what your dad has done that you do remember, like the inappropriate tickling or has she told you non-supportive things, like to put it in the past or that it is your fault? She should be horrified about what your dad did to you and want to keep you away from him. Or have you not told your mother yet?

        I believe your dreams are just supporting you to tell you that your dad is mean and abusive.

        What I recommend is number one, get away from your dad now, don’t wait three months. You do not need to even talk with an abusive parent, not even on the phone. He may tell you that he will not pay for things that he was not ever planning to pay for just to make you feel bad. If he always promised to pay for college then he may pay for that, but if he never mentioned paying for college until you leave his house, then he was probably never planning to pay for college but is just telling you that he would have to be mean and abusive. But I am sure that if you tell your truth, there may be others who will help you pay for college. Your counselor or the hotline might also have resources, places you can stay and help with college.

        The next thing that I recommend that you do is to call the 800-656-hope, they are there 24/7 hotline and they are there to listen. They can also most likely get you a free counselor to help you to deal with what you do remember.

        When you start to recover your memories, it is important to remember that there is no such thing as false memory syndrome, though there are cover memories. The myth of false memory syndrome was started by the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, which is a group of alleged pedophiles who were accused of being pedophiles and some others who were not pedophiles but were naive. There are survivors, who rather than face the truth that their parents or others close to them raped them, have taken back their stories and allowed themselves to forget again to preserve the illusion of loving families, etc. There is, however, such a thing as cover memories. A cover memory is when a victim remembers something or someone less severe then the actual person or event. An example of that would be that a victim will remember that the baby sitter raped them when actually it was much worse and maybe their mother was actually the person who raped and tortured them.

        Also always remember to listen to your intuition when reaching out for help. If the person on the phone is not helpful, hang up and try again later or try another hotline at http://centers.rainn.org/

        When healing from abuse and other problems, I am strongly opposed to the use of anti depressants and anti psychotics (even short term) and I am also of course opposed to electroshock, which is unfortunately being re-legalized in many states. Which to me is horrifying. I believe that when a therapist refers people to psychiatrists for evaluation, what that therapist is saying to you is that they do not have tools to help you to heal. So what I would do in that situation is find a therapist who has the tools to help. To avoid bad therapists, it is best to interview any person that you want to work with first to see if they have the tools to help you and to see if they are a good fit. But know that you can heal and without drugs. A great article about drugs is at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo and a huge list of scientific studies about healing without drugs is at http://psychrights.org/research/Digest/Effective/effective.htm

        Your post shows your strength and that you are very conscious. Know that you will heal, if you take action and you can have a great life. I look forward to hearing how things are going for you. Feel free to post an update anytime.

        1. Well, my boyfriend’s family has become my second family or really my only family, and they always welcome me to go live there. But they are a poor family and are struggling as it is with providing for all the people that live at there house, I don’t want to move in and put more stress on them. It hurts so much to be living here, but I feel like because I have grown up with it, I believe I am strong enough to handle it for 3 more months at least so I can finish high school and spend these last months with my sisters. Also my mom lives about 2 1/2 hours away so it wouldn’t work out very well because I still need to go to school and her boy friend is also a pedophile, I found pictures of my friends in folders on his computer at the age of 13, and I talked to them to see if they even knew him and some said no and some said yes that they had just been chatting with, but he is a major flirt so there was more than just flirting going on. I have been very afraid of him ever since.

          I feel like my dad will forbid me to see my sisters anymore because he will resent me for leaving, and I cant do anything about it unless I go to court to get visiting rights but my father is very manipulative and knows how to convince someone of something. Also my dad is considering moving to Wisconsin im not sure if I have already mentioned this but if he gets the job up there he will move and take my sisters with him, we live in Georgia so that is a long ways away. My dad will fight to keep my sisters because he is all about control, and refuses to let anyone take that from him.

          Luckily I do not have any brothers. I used to be sad and wish I had a brother growing up but now I am thankful I didn’t because I believe he would have done things to me as well if my dad had abused him too. Me and my mom have been best friends from the start, shes always been there for me. I recently told her about a month ago, up until before I told her even she didn’t see that the tickling or pats on the butt was inappropriate until I told her the memories I had and everything. She didn’t have much to say but that she believed me, she didn’t cry on the phone when I told her and she seemed very calm wich was very strange for me because she is a very emotional woman especially when it comes to my dad. Shes always known he abuses us daily so she talks bad about him a lot and reminds us of how much she loves us. I feel like she was staying strong for me on the phone and as soon as I hung up she probably broke down, she doesn’t like to cry in front of others, she has yet to heal from the terrifying abuse that she experienced as an infant and still today does, which is why I think she didn’t say much but told me she believed me. Maybe it was too much to handle that she just felt numb to it andcouldnt express how she felt. Recently I was very obsessed about this whole situation that for 4 days straight I stayed up late and spent all day on the weekends just looking up things on the internet about sexual abuse and what it does and how it affects you. That’s when I found this site. And I was texting my mom telling her more things I remembered and asking her questions like had I ever complained about having bruises often, stuff like that and about 2 hours after we were having this conversations she said can I ask you a favor, please stop worrying about all of this and just live life and enjoy it right now in the present and be happy and I told her that I was trying but it was so hard and that my dad had ruined my life all of my problems were because of him and she said I know sweetie but you cant allow him to control you thoughts and mind too! and I just pretty much stopped it there because even though me and my mom are close and she has been through some awful things she is still being controlled and abused by my dad and she too is still a child in her mind and doesn’t know how to cope with all of this. So its hard to talk to her sometimes because I don’t want to hurt her 🙁 but I know she supports me and would do anything for me. Everyone she has every had any kind of relationship whether it be friendship, intimate, family has always abused her in some way. She is so loving and caring its amazing how she can be the way she is when shes bee abused her whole life by everyone. But I have already started healing I know I have hope :). I have my times and days where I feel like everything in my life is horrible and I just wish it could all end and I am depressed but then right after that I tell myself I am a strong person and I can conquer this. I am who I am today because of my mom, while my dad was abusing me my mom was loving me unconditionally and that is what saved me <3 🙂

          1. Hi Ashlea,

            You have more power than you think. You can call the rape crisis hotline in your area and they may be able to help you out. You should be connected to your local rape crisis hotline if you call the 800-656-hope. Remember that if they are not helpful, hang up and try again later or try another hotline. You should not have to live in a house with a pedophile and neither should your sisters. Maybe your mother could give you money so that you can live with your boyfriend’s family but help with the expenses. Maybe you can stay with some friends or can try talking with a counsellor or teacher that you trust. Always listen to your intuition, so if things get bad, you can get out, no matter where you are staying. You may find that your boyfriend’s family would happily take you in.

            I believe what would be best is if your mother is willing to pay for you to rent an apartment. It is time to get out now, not three months from now. Think about your options, be resourceful. Your mother really owes that to you and you deserve to live in a place that is yours and where you can safely lock your doors at night. You probably should not let your dad know where you are living, he has no right to know. Do everything that you need to do to make sure that all of your phone calls and computer interactions are private.

            Though many people may believe your father’s act (pretending to be a good person) not everyone will believe it. Some people will believe you over your dad’s fake act. You really have more power than you think.

            You must get away, now, not three months from now.

            You are so strong to realize that it is your mother’s issue and not yours when she gave you bad advice.

            When you wrote “she has yet to heal from the terrifying abuse that she experienced as an infant and still today does” was it your unconscious mind telling you that she is still being abused by her family or did I misunderstand that? Are you also being abused by her family? Abusers rarely stop abusing without getting help.

            Call the hotline when you are in a safe and private place to talk.

            Feel free to write updates or ask more questions.

            1. Yes I am not teling my dad anything, he doesn’t even know that I want to move out of the house. He keeps asking me what college I want to go to and trying to help me start reading the book to get my license and all I say is Im not sure yet. its getting hard though because I am scared of him, even though I am 18 years old and will be moving out soon I still find it hard to even say words to him because I am scared idk how I will tell him when I am moving out because I don’t want to just up and leave without saying anything. I want to say hey I am moving out and leave a few days after that. but I don’t even know hwo I will find the courage to speak the words. Pretty much everyone believes his act his family my step moms family the only people that I have come across that don’t believe his act are my boy friends family which is why they are so supportive they have seen his act from day one. (me and my boy friend have been dating for 2 years now so me and his family are real close, I am closer to them than I ever have been to any of my family besides my mom).

              Well its a little complicated. My mom never had any “family”. Her mom physically abused her and her dad was never around only a few times when she was a kid and at age 8 she was raped by her moms boy friend and her mom didn’t believe her and told her she was a stupid whore. Her mom punched her real good at age 8 and my mom went to her gma (her mom’s mom) and told her and her gma told her mom that if she ever hurt her again she would do the same to her. so she moved in with her gma and faced many obstacles throughout her life. At one point her dad told her he had never loved her and that she could just go die, and then later on his death bed he apologized and told her how sorry he was and they made up and then he died but that really helped her to get that closure. In 2007 we moved back to her home town (me, my 2 sisters, and my mom) and her family began to harass her and emotionally abuse her, and told my father she was abusing drugs and was unfit to be a mother and so my dad took us with him and she hated her family for it. My father abused my mom the same way he abuses me but not sexually he abused her physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically(think those are all the same) and with neglect as well and he still does with the way he treats her and talks to her. He treats her as if she was never our mom and has no say in anything and like shes a little 4 year old, so it still hurts her because everyone in her life has always abused her and hurt her except for me my little sister and her gma. Her family does not abuse me in any way I don’t ever talk to them.

              1. When you get away from your dad you will find more and more people who do not believe your dad’ act. It is typical for the whole family to support the abuser. I would call the numbers at http://centers.rainn.org/ and they can help you to make a good plan to move out. It may be your intuition telling you that it is not safe to tell your dad before you move out. Make that call from a phone that is private and keep calling til you get the help you need. After you get some help, feel free to write back. Make sure that your calls and computer interactions are not being monitored. Abusers often do that.

                I truly believe that you can get out now, not in three months. To make it even easier, you may be able to register to take a college class that starts soon, live on campus and commute to your high school. Be creative. DO NOT let your dad only pay for school if you stay at home, though I am not sure if that will come up. I am so sorr to hear about your mom’s family.

  28. Hi my name is Peggy. As a child I was a victim of incest by two family members. These traumatic events carry before my own time. My grandfather ancestrally abused all his 13 children until they married and moved on in their lives. My mother was 16 when she ran away, but forced to move back in as she wanted to marry my father a short time later. His condition to her was to move back in and then he would sign for her to marry as she was a minor. During her short time back he raped her repeatedly. I have seen my moms wedding photos, with this mans arm around my mother, her dreadful face, the fear, anxiety, I saw and felt it all. My mother is a very cold, vindictive person, who has opened her doors no one, not even my father. Life since then is how she says it. She will fight till its just her way. You have to see what she sees, feel what she feels, and do no differently. I am a fighter, even as a young child. I had my own opinions, I valued my beliefs and no one was going to stop me for being me. I have a twin sister and an older and younger. They all are my mothers puppets. She pulls their strings, she okays their daily lives. I have no relationship with her, never have, because I have always refused her the ability to tell me what to do or say, feel. I grew up with her telling me how much she hates me, how she is so disgusted that she can’t even look at me. When it came to me fighting my abuse, her words to me were, you deserved, I told you to stay away and you did not listen, you were asking for it, look at you, you are a slut a whore! You are making this all up because you want attention. These words scarred me deeply. They may have brought me down, but my fire was more then ever brighter, I was more determined to bring peace to my life. The abuse started when I was a couple of months old, when my mom told me this she laughed and I told her it wasn’t funny, how disgusted I was. Her brother and my grandfather repeatedly raped me day after day, often times numerous times through the day and night as I slept. My father was a drunk, he was not there to save me no matter what good heart he has. The abuse didn’t end until Memorial weekend of 1998. I was 17 and 1/2, I moved out before their next visit. I have been on my own since then with the love of my life. I have tried several times to file charges, the last attempt in 2004 the DA personally told me I had no criminal case, that this was a civil case and no jail time would ever be warranted. So I may as well drop it. I was on fire, she was protecting them! I responded back, since when is rape, incest not a crime! Why the hell are you protecting them? I got so flustered, but then soon realized I was no longer speaking to this DA, as she hung up on me. To this day that bothers me so much! No one to keep me safe as a child, no one wanting to help me as an adult. The detective who wants to pursue the case said to talk to my mother, she has a lot to do with this all. Makes me so ill inside. I am 33 now, married for 13 years with three beautiful and very loving boys. They are my life, the air I breath. I will give my life to keep them safe. My mom became her mother, but I became my own. I will not carry on this vicious cycle that has destroyed so many lives! I am still not whole, I still struggle with the memories, the cellular feelings, anxiety with new surroundings or people. Over the last several years I have found myself not leaving my home, avoiding gatherings and events. Also battling a rare bone disease that has killed my left hip leaving no choice for a complete replacement. The dead bone in my hips are unbearable at times. So tired of my life and it pains, but I know I can’t give up. All these years of me moving on, and I have realized all the pain has been flooding back. I never have dealt with abuse, never talked about it. And with that silence, the same two generations of my family that carry, I can not do the same. But it hurts so much to speak about.

    1. Hi Peggy,

      You had the strength to get away from your abusers and you are innately a good person, which is why you knew that raping anyone including a baby is horribly wrong. Your mother became an innately horrible person from the abuse which is why she could laugh and allow an atrocity so horrible as raping a baby to occur.

      The DA is incorrect that that rape is not a crime, which leads me to the belief that the DA you spoke with could possibly also be a pedophile, because who else would not care about a baby and child being raped. There is a possibility that the statute of imitations has run out when you first reported it (that is different in every state). I am not sure who investigates misconduct by the District Attorney, possibly the FBI. The problem is when you get a person if they are not helpful, you must find a person in another agency or another office or their supervisors who is against pedophiles.

      It shows that your DA is a sick women and yes, women can rape children also. Do not talk with the detective who wants you to talk with your mother, find a detective who is supportive of you and what you need, this detective is very checked out to make you talk to your mother. DO NOT talk with your mother because some checked out detective wants you to, keep looking for real help with the prosecution of your family. Real help means people who are supportive of you and appalled by your mother and what your family did to you and will not make you talk with abusive people. If you have only spoken with the local DA you can try to call the state attorney general. If the state attorney general is not helpful or you have already tried that office, then try your local FBI. If none of those work try calling 1-800-422-4453 (I have never called that number.) Remember that even within the same office there can be good people and bad people, so try to write down the names of the helpful people and only talk with them. DO NOT believe only the people in the office who tell you that you cannot. I would definitely tell everyone that you talk with that the local DA did not consider what happened to you rape, because I am sure that she has told that to other survivors also, until someone will look into that for you also. But you can also make the choice to take care of yourself first.

      If I had that hip issue I personally would look into finding a great acupuncturist and possibly also (if you have not had the hip replacement yet) the Gerson Clinic but that is what I would do and is not intended as medical advice.

      A great resource to help deal with the sexual assault is the 1-800-656-hope 24/7 hotline. They can also help you get into counselling for sexual assault. It will connect you with the local rape crisis center. The people who answer may or may not be helpful, if they are not helpful, hang up and try again later or try another center nearby at http://centers.rainn.org/

      Lastly, I would personally stay away from taking any anti depressants or anti psychotics, their side effects label says it all and frequently they make people worse and not in the least bit better. A great article about that is at http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo

      Know that if you take action, you will heal. You already have broken the cycle of abuse and if you work only with people who support you, you will heal as well.

    2. Go see Dr Michael Mont at the Ruben Institute for Advanced Orthopedics in Baltimore at Sinai Hospital. They have a new procedure called resurfacing where they can cap it in people that are younger and not do a total hip. He changed my life.

  29. I am writing to hopefully get some insight on my current feelings/situation. I was sexually abused as a child from age 12 to 16 by my stepfather who was also a police officer (14 year veteran of the department in fact) I believe those to be very crucial years for a young girl, becoming a teenager, entering high school, crushing on boys, experiencing “womanhood”.. etc. I however did not have the opportunities that normal girls may have had at those ages for I was homeschooled by my stepfather, who instead of teaching me, molested me. I did not progress any in school during this time, when I started high school after he went to jail I could not even get credits transferred and was going to be placed in 9th grade when I should have been a junior so I dropped out. I can’t even share experiences like “my first kiss” and such.. for they came from him. He brainwashed me severely, and told me all the time how I was his soul mate and if he could run away with me he would. I almost thought he was going to take me away a few times, thankful he did not. He is a twisted individual.. I believe i have come a long way since. I am 23 now, I did counseling for a little while after the trial, not sure if it helped. I assumed I got over it myself.. I didn’t let it define who I was, I made a life for myself, met some amazing friends, have been traveling some and am currently studying what I am truly passionate about. Overall I am doing wonderful, I still think about it from time to time.. more recently tho I have I guess been triggered, I am not sure what to call it. I’ve been reading a little about PTSD and the symptoms and such. Basically, I met an amazing man in my recent travels, we have settled down for the time being until we go for our summer travels again. He knows everything about me and I have told him details of my abuse that I fear the prosecutors may have not even heard. We have only been together about 7 months, and recently I have been having trust issues with him and insecurities in myself.. like for some reason I do not deserve this amazing man and the love he gives me. It’s almost like I am sabotaging this relationship.. because I know in my logic mind that he is crazy about me and would do anything for me. This is only my second serious relationship, and looking back on it now I can see how I sabotaged the first one, which lasted 4 years, the same issues went on though. It’s like I make up these scenarios in my head and believe them.. I have also had a lot of free time on my hands and maybe my mind has been wandering to much and things from the past are coming up and affecting myself towards my boyfriend. I would hate myself forever if I pushed him away.. I’m not sure if this is something common with other women who go through similar things as a child. I’m not trying to use it as an excuse but I think maybe I buried everything and just moved on and forgot about it and that made me feel that I was “healed” when in actuality I may have a long way to go. I am thankful that my boyfriend is as understanding as he is. Any tips on how to overcome the trust issues would be helpful, I have been practicing yoga and meditation some what, but the determination to do it daily is hard. It seems to help ease the mind for sure.

    1. Hi Maria,

      The high school friend that I just wrote about (as a response to another post) who forgot about ever being abused, her father was also a police officer. It happens more than people would like to think. I am so sorry to hear about your story. It happens quite frequently that perpetrators act like they are dating their victims. Likely because a part of them is reenacting their own abuse and trying to “date” kids the same age that a lot of their abuse happened, which does not excuse their actions at all. Most people who are abused do NOT abuse others, so somewhere they made a choice to be a perpetrator. If you read the book, “Silent No More: Victim 1’s Fight for Justice Against Jerry Sandusky” Aaron Fisher (Victim 1) talks about Jerry Sandusky acted like a hurt lover and practically stalked him. It might be a validating book for you to read. Aaron Fisher is really strong and he also had to testify in court repeatedly, I think three different times over a year or so. (I don’t remember exactly.)

      It sounds to me like you have done some healing and you have more healing to do. When you want to run away, that can be from not fully healing from the past abuse and inside still feeling the fear that was stuffed down. Especially if you feel like running in a panicky way. Such as feeling inside things like “I need to go now…immediately…right now…” or it can also being your intuition saying this guy may not be the guy for you. I have no idea but inside you know the answer whether it is PTSD making want to run from a great guy or your intuition picking up on something you may not want to see in that guy. A great book that helped me a ton was completing the book “Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. It helped me to uncovered buried feelings and buried memories of sexual abuse. It is a workbook and it took me much longer than 12 weeks to complete the twelve week program but it changed my life. By doing the book I was able to take much better care of myself and uncovering the memories also changed my life. It’s actually a pretty fun book to do as well. Though obviously not all fun.

      I also highly recommend calling the 800-656-hope 24/7 number and seeing about working with counsellors that deal specifically with abuse. But be very picky, work only with a person who feels right and helps to to see your own powers and strengths and to complete this healing. I believe that people can heal and it does not take an entire lifetime to heal, so I stay away from people who believe it is a “healing journey for your entire life” and also really far from people who think that it was a good thing that I was abused so that I could learn some life lesson, that it was a gift in some way. If you can’t find someone good at the hotline then,go to http://centers.rainn.org/ and find another rape crisis center nearby.

      You can heal, so that you can have a great relationship, whether with this guy or another guy.

  30. hello my name is madison,
    i am 20 years old i have been sexually assulted since the age of nine. i 3 family members and sexually harassed from one of my brothers old friends. i have had a tough time. the main and worst one was my uncle he almost raped me. he was found not guilty and i just cant seem to get over it. ive tried ending my life multipul times, i take medication, i have manic depressive disorder and from all the assults i have borderline personality disorder i cant trust anyone. i dont understand how to let go i never thought i would have to stop loving family. i am heart broken from what happened and also hurt from the pain i see my family going through. ive reached out for help in every way possible but i just dont know what to do. i dont understand what to do to heal from this im only 20 years old. i am on anti depressents, ive been put in 2 pshyc wards, i see a counciler once a week since i was 17 years old, i see a psych doctor once a month, and my primary doctor once a month also, but it seems like nothing works.i suffer friom addiction to cutting myself the physical pain iis less painfull than the emotional. im not sure what else i can do. id really appriciate any advice.
    please and thank you

    1. Hi Madison,

      The fact that you wrote this post shows that you have strength and you can heal. What happened to you was horrible, shame on those awful people who raped you. Even though the court system did not find your uncle guilty, that does not minimize that what he did to you is horrible. It took a ton of strength to stand in court and stand up against what he did to you and no one can take your strength away from you. Unfortunately sometimes perpetrators are not found guilty but it is not your fault, it is the fault of the court system which did not work in your case. If you are blaming yourself for him being found not guilty it is time to stop blaming yourself and keep focusing on your healing.

      I am not a doctor but from I have researched is that the side effects listed for all anti depressants and anti psychotics on the market are depression and suicidal ideation, to mention only a few. All the drugs can also cause liver problems because it is the liver’s job to clean the body from toxins and the drugs are seen as toxins to the body. It is a good chance that your doctor has convinced you that you need them, but please do some research on your own.

      From reading your post it seems to me like you have been “diagnosed” by doctors as having manic depression and borderline personality disorder. What if your emotions that your doctor “diagnosed” were just your body trying to detox from the trauma and by you taking these drugs it is stuffing your body’s healthy detoxing mechanism down. That being said, from all doctors, even those psychiatrists opposed to drugs say that you must withdraw from those drugs very slowly and under a doctor’s supervision. (Because they are so toxic) What if what really is not working in your life are the drugs and the fact that you need to find a person who can walk with you and advocate for you and help you to heal. Like a really good therapist. If you’re not getting better I would start calling rape crisis lines in your area and look for a supportive counsellor that you feel good about working with. A person who feel intuitively right to you. If they turn out not to work keep looking.

      If you do choose to withdraw from the drugs, it is a known fact, by any doctors who have bothered to research it (and unfortunately many doctors have not done the research), that withdrawing from these drugs can cause you to display even more severe emotional feelings but it is because your body is detoxing from these really toxic drugs. Many doctors will say that those withdrawal emotions prove that you have chemical imbalance but that is simply not true. Even Paxil has on it’s side effects label “severe discontinuation syndrome” meaning awful withdrawals when you quit taking the drugs.

      I highly recommend reading this article http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo I also know that many survivors who have chosen to stop taking drugs, have had their doctors and/or psychiatrists literally yell at them, which puts in perspective who may be the sick people. If you do choose to go this route, I would call around trying to find alternative doctors who are willing to help you get off these drugs and they may also be able to help minimize the withdrawal side effects. These doctors may not be easy to find but they are out there. The late Dr. Loren Mosher was one of these great psychiatrists. Again I am not a doctor, I am just writing from what I have read and discussed with people who are great doctors.

      To see more studies on drugs you can also go to http://psychrights.org/research/Digest/Effective/effective.htm and there is a huge list of links to articles about healthy healing from emotional pain, even things as severe as schizophrenia.

      It is not your job to love your family, it is your job to love yourself. You are the most important person that you need to take care of and to love. The more you learn to take care of yourself and love yourself, the more everything else in your life will fall in place. If your family i not supportive of you then you may want to not be around them for a while. You need to surround yourself with healthy people. Just as an unhealthy therapist can make you feel worse and get worse not better, so can being around people who do not make you feel good about yourself. At first that might make you feel alone but gradually you will find real friends and peep who love you for who you really are.

      The first thing that I would do is call 800-656-hope 24/7 and talk with a volunteer there, if they are not helpful, try again later. They also most likely have a free counselling center that specializes in helping abuse survivors. I would see if you could interview some counsellors there and see if they are a good fit. If you have been doing what you are doing and its not working, such as seeing the counsellor, psych doctor and regular doctor for three years and not feeling better, then I would suggest trying something else. There is nothing wrong with you, you are having normal reactions to extreme abuse. So it is time to start looking for people who will help you to detox the trauma, so that you can heal. If you do not find help with that hotline you can try http://centers.rainn.org/ and call other hotlines. Call as much as you need to but you can make a list of helpful hotlines and write down the person you talked with at that hotline, so that if you need you will have a huge list to call. You will most likely not get the same person again, but if you do then you know that they are there for you.

      After you have done a bit of healing, post again as a reply to this post and I will discuss the cutting (which people have been able to heal from also), but I think its important to find and work with a good counsellor first and if you choose detox from those drugs.

  31. I am 39 years old. I’ve suffered from depression, taken antidepressants and I’ve been in and out of therapy for the last 16 years, since I was 23. I’ve worked with a range of different therapists – psychiatrists, psychologists, NLP practitioners and hypnotherapists.

    A few days ago during a therapy session, I had repressed memories surface. It turns out that I was sexually abused by my father as a child. I am now grappling with this new revelation. I’m reviewing my whole life and trying to make sense of who I am. I’m reviewing a whole lot of incidents from my past and my interactions with my father.

    I have a husband and two young daughters, aged 6 and 4. My intention in doing so much therapy work early on in my life was to ‘clear out my past’ to ‘free up my future’. I’ve worked so hard, I’ve tried to take a very proactive approach and yet, my past has still snuck up on me now after all my courage and hard work.

    I feel such a massive range of emotions: anger, resentment, hatred, frustration, confusion, betrayal. But strangely, in amongst it all, I do feel some relief. For years, I’ve experienced an intense fear and terror, that stays submerged for most of the time but then resurfaces every now and again, usually when I’m least expecting it. Only a week ago, I experienced a paralysing fear whilst at home in my house that stopped me in my tracks even though there was no real threat or danger to me. Now I’m understanding where this paralysing fear is coming from.

    I’m relieved to read the stories of other survivors. I know that I have a long road ahead towards healing. I now understand that I was effectively ‘mis-diagnosed’ by myself and others during the 16 years of therapy that I have already done, I was ‘mis-diagnosed’ as a sufferer of emotional abuse when in fact, I was sexually abused.

    At least now, I can deal with the source of my inner pain, angst, intense fear and terror. I feel as though the last 16 years of therapy has given me a strong base to work from in taking this new information on.

    Thank you for the opportunity to comment and to read about other’s experiences.

    Jennie

    1. Hi Jennie,

      Thank you for writing your story and discovery of repressed memories. I believe that you sharing this will help others to heal. I was also really relieved when I realized what had happened to me. It made my whole life and struggle with my life make sense. I am also glad to hear that all of those other feelings are coming up, so that they can be felt and begin to be released, because it sounds like you have been feeling many of those emotions for a while, but without a context. I know that the emotions do not immediately leave but it sounds like with the work you are doing they will eventually all be released and no longer stuffed inside. If you have yet to read “What to Do When You Feel Triggered”, I highly recommend it, as it has tools to help you gently get more memories back.

      Also know that because your memories were repressed, there is a chance that there are a bunch more repressed memories that you have yet to remember. This may or may not be true for you.

      Your post shows your strength, the fact that you know that if you do the work you can heal.

      Feel free to write back with an update.

  32. I am a survivor of incest. I am still hurting on a daily basis from guilt. I raised my children without boundaries because I knew none. My father molested me and my mother allowed it. I still feel the feelings of my childhood that have carried on into my adult life of feeling inadequate and never measuring up. I wish I could completely heal. Any suggestions?

    1. Hi Cindy,

      It is never too late to heal. You are not inadequate, you were acting from a broke place of your inner child who is still reacting from the abuse but complete healing is possible for everyone. You can heal completely, so long as you can learn to nurture your hurt inner child. Since no boundaries is a very vague term, it could be a way of beating yourself up for not being a perfect parent or it could also be a way of saying that you had no sexual boundaries with your children or anywhere in between. First I would ask yourself if it is a way to beat yourself up for not being the perfect parent. If that is the truth you can skip the next paragraph. But if it is way of saying that you beat your children, blamed them for you feeling bad about yourself, did not have sexual boundaries or anything that you should make amends for, please read the paragraph below.

      It is never too late to apologize to your children for raising them with no boundaries or any specific things that you did wrong (that can help with your healing process as well, knowing that you can identify what was your fault and take the responsibility, like your mother and father never did), unless you have apologized to them already and taken responsibility for what you did wrong as a parent. The apology should of course be gentle with your children. It may also be appropriate to ask your children what amends they would like you to make. (From what you wrote I am assuming that they are adults now.) By making the amends that your children need you to make and apologizing for what you did wrong, you are showing your inner child what it is like to have a good parent and it will help you to feel more trusting of yourself. Also do not apologize only for the small things you did wrong, but also apologize for the big things you did wrong. Some people hate to apologize or claim responsibility for what they did wrong, so they will apologize for insignificant things, rather than the things they should apologize for. You can also ask your kids what they would like you to apologize for. Remember, you are not only apologizes to help your kids heal, this will help you to heal as well. Imagine how it would have been like if your dad sincerely apologized for molesting you and your mother sincerely apologized for not keeping you safe?

      I would suggest calling the hotline 800-656-hope (as always if the person is not helpful, hang up) and looking to get a counsellor to help you to heal from the abuse. Frequently the hotlines have free or sliding scale counselling to help you with healing from abuse. Always listen to your intuition and interview anyone you want to work with on your healing because I believe that a bad counsellor is worse than no counsellor. A bad counsellor can make you feel bad about yourself and make you feel worse, or try to put you on drugs simply because they do not have the tools to help you to heal.

      If you need to feel free to write and clarify what you meant by no boundaries and also to say how things are going. There are some great tips for healing under the “Ideas for Healing” link. Know that you can heal, so long as you do the work to make healing possible.

  33. I want to post but I am scared of somehow revealing anything particular/identifiable to myself that could be found by people who know what my brain won’t let me remember yet. This has been a resourceful site; thank you.

    1. Hi Ani,

      You can heal and as you do, there is a great chance that your memories will begin to surface. I recommend reading “What to Do When You feel Triggered” http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ that article has ideas on how extreme emotions that you feel, can help you remember the repressed events behind those extreme emotions. And if you are numb to emotions, that can actually for the sake of healing, also be considered an extreme emotion. There can be extreme repressed emotions hidden behind feeling numb, which is why a person could have become numb, so as to not feel the trauma or traumatic feelings.

      Many of the hotlines connected to 800-656-hope, do not capture your phone number, so the only way they could identify you is with the information that you provide them. So if you want you can call them and talk. As I always state, if the person on the hotline is not helpful, hang up and try another hotline or try the same hotline again later. Do not give up until you get the help you need. Another helpful thing to do in your case, could be to call a hotline that is far from where you live, maybe even in another state, so that you have a less likely chance of talking with a person who may know you. I close your eyes and point to a letter in a book and look up a state that starts with that letter at http://centers.rainn.org/, just to be safe so that you do not unconsciously pick another state that you were abused in, since you have yet to remember the abuse and sometimes survivors of abuse will eventually remember being abused in different places.

      Also in your case, I would not go to any therapist, that believes in false memory syndrome because they will not be validating as you begin to retrieve your memories.

      I believe you can remember and you can heal.

  34. I am 46 years old and experienced abuse as a child and a teen. My oldest brother, 12 yrs senior, always called me his girlfriend. I was born on his birthday and we supposedly had a special bond. With no memories of him abusing me I bought into all that. He left home when I was just 7. My father also use to give us goodnight wet kisses opened mouthed I’d go to sleep feeling sick every night as a child. At 4 My cousin who was 8 actually asked if he could rape me when we were playing outside alone. I asked what does that mean? He said he’d show me and ripped off my pants, that’s all I can remember than running into my house scared. Also when I was 4 I use to play a sex game with my sister who’s a year older than me. We stopped feeling it was bad. And from that day on my sister rarely played with me and always despised me as we grew into adolescence. My elementary years were spent inside. I never went out to recess I thought it was too mean out there and I was afraid. I began masturbating when I was 12, I already knew what an orgasm was. I started my menstrual cycle 2 yrs later. That’s when my Big Brother returned into my life. I knew he was bad at that time but I just thought Mentally. I shunned him though he made several attempts to get close to me again I fiercely protected myself from him. I became very involved in a Christian youth group, but home life was awful. I was used as my Mom’s whipping post. Her nickname for me was Bitch and she made sure I heard it on a regular basis. My sister fed into it too and treated me with disregard. She recently visited and her and my mom had a great time and left me out of the picture like they have always done. But this time it made me so Angry! I’ts been my trigger and I’ve experienced flashbacks of the abuse. My brother is estranged from the family. I had a strong yearning to see him 14 yrs ago and I tracked him down and he visited. Even then it was a blur to me what really went on between us. He’s been in prison twice as a sex offender and is schizophrenic. He remains estranged. What do I do about my sister? Do I tell her what has been going on? She never was physically abused by our Mom like I was. She watched and did nothing and somehow blames me for all this filth. I’d like to confront her with this do I? I am sorry to everyone on this board who have had their innocence ripped from them and have been subjected to this evil.

    1. Hi Katrina,

      Whether or not to confront your sister is up to you. You need to ask yourself, why you want to confront your sister and what do you hope to achieve by confronting her. If you want to speak your truth, no matter what your sister says to you, then that could happen. But if you expect your sister to believe you or validate you, that most likely that will not happen. I am not saying that it will definitely not happen but if she recently visited with your mother and was mean to you then, chances are that she will not be nice or validating to you if you confront her. She may even purposely say mean and hurtful things to you. But if you want to speak your truth and do not need anything good from her, then I would consider it.

      I think that it may have been a good thing that you were not included with your sister and mother because they sound like horrible people and you deserve to hang out with good people.

      If you and your sister were playing sexual games at four years old then it definitely sounds like you were sexually assaulted before then or how would you know about those things. It is not natural for a kid to play sex games at that age unless they have been assaulted before. From what I understand, kids at that age treat the “sexual” parts of their body, the same way that they treat the “non-sexual” parts of their bodies unless they have been sexually assaulted.

      It sounds like perpetrators of sexual assault are throughout your family and extended family. Your father tongue kissing you, your brother sexually assaulting you, your cousin trying to rape you. Children learn to rape and assault from others, it is not natural. And your mother actually calling you a horrible name. I would not be surprised, if you have uncovered or will uncover memories of you mother sexually assaulting you as well, along with more sexual assault memories from the rest of your family. No one should have to go through this. Shame on your family, none of them were what real parents and siblings really are. I would support you if you made the choice to never talk with them ever again. They are not good people.

      You sound like a good person and you should treat yourself well. If you need to talk with someone about the abuse or plans on how to take care of yourself if you choose to confront your sister, then you can call 800-656-HOPE. But as always listen to your intuition and if the advocate that you are talking with is not helpful, hang up and try again or try another hotline. Sometimes advocates can try so hard to be helpful, that they are not listening to what you need, so when reaching out for help, always listen to your intuition.

  35. (some details have been edited by blogger so as to not traumatize readers)

    Hello,

    Before anyone reads this it may be disturbing to you as the main perpetrator of my abuse was a sadistic pedophile. From the ages of twelve to fourteen I experienced one horrifying event (details of abuse edited by blogger).

    I’m twenty-five now and I’m completely lost. I’ve tried counseling, medication, and now I’m currently trying a group through a church but everything is just so empty and meaningless. I’ve tried forums for sexual abuse but many of their guidelines omit or punish you for discussing sadism. This is true for http://www.fortrefuge.com. It’s a horrible website for torture survivors and I was treated very poorly there by the moderators because I wished to discuss my torture.

    So I just want to ask a question. Are there any books, any resources, any specific help for survivors of childhood sexual torture that aren’t refugees? I don’t even feel like anyone takes you seriously if you aren’t a refugee. I’m just so tired of fighting the meaninglessness of existence. I haven’t even been able to hold a platonic relationship. The older I get the more hopeless everything seems.

    1. Hello Colee,

      It is horrible that any person should have had to go through what you went through.

      Please understand that many websites including my own do not and will not publish details of abuse because it traumatizes other readers. It does not mean that we are trying to punish you, I want you to heal, I want everyone to heal, which is why I have this blog. Everyone deserves to heal. There are however some rape crisis lines where you can discuss details of your abuse when you are triggered, you will need to call around to see who is able to hear you and who is not and just because one counsellor on a hotline is not helpful does not mean that all of the counsellors on the hotline are not helpful. If someone is not helpful, then you can hang up and try another hotline or try again later. 1-800-656-hope will connect you to the rape crisis center nearest to you or nearest to your cellphone number. You can also try http://centers.rainn.org/ and keep calling around to get the support that you need. Keep a list for yourself of the helpful hotlines that you have called and the person whom you spoke with who was helpful. I also believe that counselling with a good counsellor can be very helpful but is also extremely hard to find and takes a ton of interviews to weed out the bad counsellors, the rape crisis center near you may have ideas free counselling and those counsellors may be good or awful. Bad counsellors can make things worse not better.

      I believe that prescription drugs to help with abuse are never the answer. Read the side effect label. Also this is a great article about those drugs http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo

      I also understand that many people do not want to believe that such horrible things that happened to you actually happen to people and so their reaction to what you say is probably more about them than about you. But it could be helpful to ask yourself, what can I do right now to take care of myself when you feel triggered.

      I know that survivors of torture and ritual abuse have found the book “Safe Passage to Healing: A Guide for Survivors of Ritual Abuse” by Chrystine Oksana and it has detailed stories of extreme abuse along with quotes from survivors about the abuse and their healing process. Giving up on yourself is what the perpetrators want you to do. If you give up then they win. You also may want to read the articles in the “Ideas for Healing” tab on my blog. I hope it is helpful to you. The people who abused you in those extreme ways, they want you to feel hopeless, they want you to give up, they do not want you to heal. Do not let them win. Reach out to those hotlines, find a counsellor who is an advocate for you and helps you to heal. A good advocate, can help you to see your strengths and use them to help yourself to heal. Call the hotline anytime you need to or if you prefer you can do the anonymous online chat at http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/

      But remember even if you get 10 bad hotline volunteers in a row, keep trying until you get help. You can heal and have great friendships, when you heal enough you will have space in your life for good friends, maybe even as you are healing you will get good friends. It is a process but it does not take forever.

      1. I’ve never like rainn.org. I tried them when I was 16. I’m not one of those crazy women that think they were abused for satan. I just fell into the clutches of a sadist as a 12 year old. It’s so terrible because I can’t live. I’ve tried and yet I keep sinking into chronic fatigue and medical problems. I know no matter what I try I will eventually end up killing myself. There’s just no other way out. I was medicated at 14. All I did was sleep and when I was awake I drooled on myself. All of this is so vague. No one can explain or give me a valid reason for the violence perpetrated against me and taking a walk or writing in a journal isn’t going to cut it. There’s just some levels of violence that pierce a veil you can never return from.
        Is it sad and disturbing to me that there’s nothing in the world that has value even life, even my own? Yes but there’s nothing anyone can do about it. (Sentence edited by blogger so as not to traumatize anyone).
        There are no such things as “friends” either. (Sentence edited by blogger so as not to traumatize other survivors of ritual abuse)

        1. Hi Colee,

          The rainn.org hotline is made up of thousands of volunteers who are from hundreds of different organizations. Keep trying different hotlines and talking with different advocates until you get the help that you need. On the same hotline, I have experienced helpful volunteers, ones were nice but not helpful and even volunteers who were mean. If a volunteer is not helpful hang up and try another hotline. Keep trying until you get the help that you need.

          There are children who have been abused since they were really little kids who have been told that this was being done by satan. These women are not crazy, they are only remembering their abuse from the perspective of the little kids that they were, when they were abused.

          The way out is to believe in yourself and believe that you can and will heal. Believe that you will have friends.

          By killing yourself you are accepting the shame and blame that belongs to the abuser. It was not your fault, it was the abuser’s fault. As soon as you commit that you will heal, no matter what, you can take the actions you need to take for you to heal. There are many people who may not be helpful but that is their problem, you need to keep looking for people who will help you to heal and acknowledge your strengths.

          Believing that your life does not have value, is what the perpetrator wanted you to believe but it is a lie but that is what perpetrators do, they lie.
          Have you looked into getting a copy of “Safe Passage to Healing”? I know it has helped other survivors of extreme abuse. Also you might want to look at the book “Ritual Abuse : What It Is, Why It Happens, and How to Help” by Margaret Smith. If I am correct about your IP address, they have it at the library in the big city near you. Also if you look up “ritual abuse” under the title search at that library, it comes up with other books about it as well.

          You can and will heal so long as you take action to heal and do not give up until you find a helpful counsellor even if you have to interview 100s before you can find a good one. And you can have other people in your life who are truly kind, you need to believe it though.

  36. (Details of abuse have been edited out so as not to traumatized any readers)

    Its true you do forget it for long periods of time, and it does come up every now and then and effect everything you do.It effects how you relate to people.You just shut down for periods of time and depending on how deep you go into the memories,the periods may last longer. My story is a very complicated issue. When i was five or less than that,me and my brother practiced bad things after watching some bad shows on TV. (details eedited by blogger) We called it school because we would also play school at the same time-it was part of our pretending that we were at school game. We were only kids we didn’t know what we were doing. We only did it about 2 or 3 times and then our parents caught us and beat us, and strictly warned us agianst it.

    I had decided in my mind not to do it again. But my brother had decided otherwise. The next day when my parents went out,he said lets play school.I said no because our parents told us not to do it.He said it doesn’t matter and forced me into it,overpowering me because he was bigger than me. I cried afterwards and he can’t saying your the Queen to stop me crying. I never told my parents. Some people may say its my fault. Years later,as I progressed through puberty,my brother started to touch (…me. Details edited by bogger). I never told my parents because i probably wanted to protect him. This all stopped when I started my periods.

    My parents beat us that day coz they thought I had started too early. They asked if we had been doing any bad things and that’s when i told them (…what my brother had done to me. Details edited by bogger) That’s when it all stopped. All forms of sexual abuse stopped then. But the memories continued to haunt me. i began to hate my brother. We fought alot growing up. But sometimes we would get along and have normal interactions like any other siblings.When i was 16 is when i finally told my parents of all that happened. They beat my brother. I first told my mom what had happened. She told my dad, but i think she only told him because she was afriad I would tell him myself.My brother had not been performing well in school and had been finally started to improve.My mom did not want this to make my dad angry at her bacause in African culture they blame the mother if something goes wrong with the children.I asked them if i could go to a psychologist but my mom said no because she was so afraid of people finding out and I think also to protect my brother.

    I felt like she only cared about her son and didn’t care about her daughter. Two years later, I finally decided to forgive my brother after I went to leadership camp. Now I struggle with this relationship of someone I love and how he treated me in the past. I know I have a dark and twisted past,but there is nothing I can do about it. Some people may say its my fault and that I shouldn’t have feel sad.I feel like part of it is my fault,.Some people may also say that its not my fault, because we were kids and didn’t know what we were doing. But I still feel like part of it is my fault.It affects me even when i don’t know it.

    I think because I think I’m ‘dirty’ I try to pretend to be a good and innocent girl.Maybe because I don’t like who I am inside or maybe because I’m afraid people may find out otherwise. But I don’t always pretend-because I was a social outcast,I don’t like making other peple feel bad or making thme feel excluded. Sometimes I smile when people tell me bad news. I think this may be tied to what happened. This has resulted in all my friends leaving me,and not trusting me and thinking that I am ‘evil’. I want to tell people sometimes, but I know they may desert if I do and see me as this ‘evil’,twisted, damaged child.

    Currently, i feel like i have no friends. There is this one friend that i think i can tell, but I think she’ll also desert me if I do. People can never guess what happened. If people knew they would never treat me the same agian. Its affects me in my interactions with people. Your story provided me with courage. I dream that one day I will find a man that loves me,despite everything that happened.My mother told me I should never tell my husband because he will leave me and hate my brother. I don’t know whether I should tell my husband or not, I thought I should because it will help him understand why i act the way I do sometimes. I plan on getting a psychologist when i graduate and start earning money. I may regret writing this if smething bad happens but I want you to know that this is the first time I’ve ever written anything about my experience. though you may relate to me and I may never know who you are, I want you to know that you inspired me. God bless you and may you have a happy life and have a happy and properous marriage with your husband!I want to complete the healing process. I want to feel ‘clean’ and ‘holy’. I do not want this to effect me in my life anymore and I want to put an end to it now.

    1. Hi Ali,

      First I have to say that the sexual assault that your brother did to you is his fault not yours. Not at all your fault. When a child plays sexually they may feel sexual things but him sexually assaulting you is 100% his fault and that is where the blame should go, on your brother. Why should you carry your brother’s shame, it belongs to him not you. Why should you keep your brother’s secret? The fact that he violated you is his shame and his secret, you no longer need to carry his being dirty. You are innocent, you were just a little girl and you were violated. I feel that it is horrible that you were beaten for having your period. Even though it may be culturally accepted, I believe that it is never ok to beat a child, it teaches a child that violence is acceptable and it is ok to pick on a person who is smaller than you, even a helpless child.

      You are not dirty, you are a victim of abuse. Your mother is very wrong to say to keep the sexual assault a secret, that keeps the perpetrator, your brother safe to continuing abusing people into his adulthood. Did your brother ever apologize? And who molested your brother? Children do not start to sexually assault other children unless they have been sexually assaulted. And did that same person sexually assault you also?

      Any person who says that the assault is your fault is not worthy of being your friend because it shows that they are sick. What kind of person can blame a little girl for being violently sexually assaulted? A very sick person. They may appear normal to others, but what would you do if you found out that someone had violently sexually assaulted a little girl or little boy? A healthy person would of course be furious. You may have surrounded yourself with sick friends because you have held onto your brother’s shame.

      If your husband truly loves you, he will support you and continue to love you (see a post below from a caring fiance who deeply loves his fiance and wants to support her once he found out about the abuse) and if he is not supportive of you then how could he possibly really be a loving husband? Loving husbands should be outraged at the abuser.

      You do not have to keep protecting your brother. Once you heal and acknowledge that the abuse is not your fault, you will feel better, you will have a great life. You may also want to read “What to do When You Feel Triggered” http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/ and you can start to acknowledge the feelings that are screaming to be heard from your abuse.

      Forgiving the abuser before you heal and forgive yourself can often create problems, you may also want to read “Do I Need to Forgive to Heal?” http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/category/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/ I think that could be very helpful.

      I have googled around the country that I got from your IP address but I could find no rape crisis hotlines, but the good news is that if you go to http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/ you can get free and anonymous help to support your healing from abuse. This online resource is totally anonymous and they not even know your IP address or keep your conversations. But as always when reaching out for help, always listen to your intuition. If the online help is not helpful try again later and keep trying til you get a person that helps you to detox your feelings and feel validated to heal.

  37. I too suffered several different instances of abuse, which started when I was around 3 with my great uncle, then again when I was around 8 with my mother’s boyfriend after my father passed. When I was 17 I was raped which resulted in a pregnancy. So needless to say I haven’t had the best luck sexually. I married when I was 18 and have tried my entire life to have a “normal” sex life. Now I’m in my 50’s and my husband of 32 years can’t understand that after all these years I haven’t just forgotten about it since it all happened so long ago. He now has turned to porn on a regular basis, as well as chats with girls online, and I feel like he is actually having an affair since I’m so disfunctional. I’ve already gone through menopause which doesn’t help either. I’m at a total loss since I love my husband but between his porn and accusations that I’m not normal by still having past issues. I’ve tried the therapy route several times to no satisfaction and even rehab, again, I don’t feel as though I’ve been able to rid myself of the past, and now I feel as though my marriage is in trouble. I have another doctor’s appointment today but I’m still not sure if it’s going to help. I’ve tried to explain to my husband just because it happened a long time ago doesn’t mean it’s just disappears, but he doesn’t understand. Is it me?

    1. Hi Penny,

      It is time for you to stop blaming yourself for everything. The sexual assault is the fault of the perpetrator and not you. It is not bad luck sexually because sexual assault is not sex, it is a crime of assault and abuse. If your husband is blaming you and accusing you, that is not loving behaviour, that is verbal abuse. Also, unfortunately, tons of therapist can be messed up, so if you went to a bad therapist or therapists or not very helpful rehab, it could be you did not get help because they were not helpful.

      When choosing a therapist, I recommend that you are very picky. Many people get worse in therapy, because many therapist can make them feel worse, giving them drugs that cause terrible side effects, blaming the victim for the abuse, some therapists even blame the client for there own issues, telling the client that the client is projecting the client’s issues onto them when it is the therapist projecting their issues onto the client. Also a therapist can be a great therapist but not a great therapists for you. For example, some people have had great luck with EMDR but many survivors of extreme abuse have had great luck with EMDR at first and then it backfires.
      From the research that I have done I would never take prescription drugs, if you look at the side effect label, your doctor (who was most likely educated about the drugs by the pharmaceutical sales person) will tell you that the side effects rarely happen, this is NOT true. The side effects are on the label because they do occur, often frequently from the infrmation I have researched. This is a great article about those drugs http://motherjones.com/politics/2003/11/it-prozac-or-placebo

      Your doctor will likely say that the new drugs are better, but if you listen to experts such as Dr. Loren Mosher, that is not true. New drugs have just had less side effects reported because they have been on the market and have been tested on the public for less time, so that much fewer side effects have been reported. The average antidepressant and antipsychotic is tested for only 6 to 8 weeks (my understanding is that because of the tremendous side effects of the drugs there is a huge dropout rate amongst those being tested). Taking the drugs, I believe is continuing to blame yourself for the abuse, and the false statement that it caused chemical imbalance. Also the so called temporary help that drugs give, (from the good research I have seen and some people I have spoken to who have taken the drugs temporarily) can cause permanent damage. Again, written on the side effects label. Please read the article above, it is really amazing the information in it. If you need more drug information resources please click on the hotlines and resources page.

      If I had a husband who was frequently accusing me, I would be depressed also. It is time for you to stand up for yourself, however that looks to you. Verbal abuse is still abuse. The abuse is not about you. Abuse is always about how sick the abuser is. You can heal from the abuse present and the abuse from the past. I recommend calling 1-800-656-HOPE and talking with a person on the hotline. If that person is not helpful, call another hotline from http://centers.rainn.org/

      I also recommend looking for a great counsellor but interviewing them before you see them. I personally will not see any therapist that I do not interview over the phone first and then meet them for a free consultation. If they do not do free consultations, I will not see them because it shows that money is a priority over making sure it is a good fit. I also ask them questions such as successes they have had in the past and what tools they use to help with healing. Some therapists cannot even answer those questions and to me that is a bad sign. And even if they answer everything correctly, I still check in with myself if they feel like a good fit. If so I proceed, if I see that I am healing then I will continue seeing them, if I feel like it is not working, I will check in to see if I am trying to avoid scary feelings or if they are not good therapists. I listen closely to see if the ever play blame the client (this game should never be played). Any therapist is only human and they will make mistakes, but I check in to see how they handle their mistakes. Do they take responsibility for making the mistakes or do they blame you for their mistakes.

      I do believe that you can heal and live well but it is time for action and looking at the past and releasing the blame that belongs to the people who abused you. And to put down boundaries in your relationship and stop owning all of the blame in your marriage, that is not ok. When you truly have done something wrong then it is ok to take responsibilty but responsbilty should never look like being abused by the other person. Try also reading “What to do When You Feel Triggered” http://healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/what-to-do-when-you-feel-triggered/

      I truly believe that you can heal.

  38. My father molested me and I hate him for it. I want to ask him if he was molested, don’t think so because he likes little girls. What a sick mother fucker. I was 3 when I told my mother that I hurt down there. It wasn’t long after that we left the sick fuck. Police showed up at our door saying he had molested a 10 year old girl down the street. Did I say I hate the sick fuck? Years later when he was remarried and I thought whatever I thought about seeing him again, I observed him with his wife’s 3 year old grandchild saying that he and the child had a very “special” relationship. I almost threw up. Kept my mouth shut but now it is 20 years later so I called the girl’s grandmother and asked about her and wonder of wonders she was a young mother (precocious sexuality brought on by abuse) I did not broach the subject on the call with the girl’s grandmother (my sick father’s ex-wife). Now he likes to brag how he can get women who are younger than his daughter. Feather in that mentally ill cap of his. He is married to a Phillipino woman close to my age and she will be getting my inheritance. I take issue with that one. It sucks. And I just want to move on.

    1. If you want to you can speak out about this abuse. Keeping quiet allows sexual preditors like your dad to keep assaulting children. Since he is a serial offender, you can call the police and tell them what he has done to you and many others and that you believe he is still offending. If he has children with his new wife, those children would most likely not be safe from his assaults. It is time to stop remaining silent. You may first want to call a rape crisis hotline. You can find a local one at rainn.org (as I always say, if the person you are speaking with is not helpful, hang up and try again later or try another hotline). They can help you to decide what to do to heal from the abuse so that you can move on but healing can take some time. Not the rest of your life but some time.

  39. So I just need to get this out because I can’t keep it in any longer. I’m 26 and I’ve kept it a secret for most of my life..in high school I finally told my parents, but they didn’t believe me and called me an attention seeking freak.
    I was 8 almost 9, very shy and quiet even before it all happened. I didn’t make friends easily, but I did have one really good friend. Anyways my friend had a college aged brother who used to babysit for his sister a lot. Usually all was fine. He’d make popcorn and we’d watch a movie or something. Occasionally, he’d have a few friends over and they’d drink while my friend and I entertained ourselves with Barbies, etc.
    One time things got out of hand. My friend and I didn’t notice, but everyone around us had had too much to drink. My friend’s brother was wasted. We were playing Barbies. Mine was naked with brown hair. One of his friends came up to us and said he wanted to show me something really neat. Of course I was excited and took his hand.
    He led me into one of the guest bedrooms. I was confused because there weren’t any toys. He took me in his arms and squeezed me tight. (He raped her in many ways) (Edited by blogger, so as not to traunatize other survivors) I literally howled it was so painful..I remember seeing blood and wondering what I did wrong to deserve this. I cried silent tears and bit my lip till it bled. (Details edited out about more rape)
    Finally he dressed and gently put my clothes back on. He wiped away my tears and whispered consolingly, “It’s ok now. We had fun, didn’t we? You are very…(edited by blogger) and that means you enjoyed it too. Now this is our secret. I’ll kill you if you tell anyone.”
    So life went on..I didn’t say a thing. In high school my counselor sexually assaulted me, and in college I was in a two year abusive relationship and I was also raped by my college roommates bf. Every time I confided in my parents they either blamed me or didn’t believe me.
    I’m desperate to know if I really did deserve all this, because I truly believe I do.

    1. You did not deserve any of these rapes. These rapists are very sick people who want you to carry their shame so they don’t have to carry their own shame. Your parents are also very sick people if they do not believe you. Shame on your parents, real and caring parents would have believed you and been furious and appauled that anyone would have done this to their daughter. Your parent obviuosly have some major issues that is their job to fix and not your job to fix. But you can pick caring friends, though sometimes it can take some time to heal before you attract healthier friends. If your friends do not believe you then they are not real friends. It’s a true test of friendship.

      It’s time to reach out and call 1-800-656-HOPE. They are there 24/7, if the person you talk with is not helpful or supportive hang up and try again later or try another hotline at http://centers.rainn.org/ (keep calling til you get a helpful person.) Always remember there are different volunteers on each hotline, so if one person is not helpful it does not mean that every person at that hotline is not helpful. Also at times the volunteer might be so interested in getting you into therapy, that they might not hear want you need to talk about, then just say “thanks” and hang up on them. There is also the obnoxious volunteers who might not be supportive because they signed up for the adrenalin rush of people who have just been victimized when they are suppose to help all survivors of abuse (even if that is not what they tell you) always hang up if you are not being validated or helped. Most volunteer are great, I just wrote the above senarios, just in case. If you get a bunch of not helpful people DO NOT give up keep calling, you will find a person who can help you and believe you.

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